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Archive for March 2019

A Little Girl Power Goes a Long Way

*This post contains very minor spoilers for Captain Marvel, like barely at all, but just a head’s up if you haven’t had the chance to see it yet.

As I stood in line to get my picture taken with the Dora Milaje at Disney’s California Adventure this weekend, my mum and I both got a little choked up. These women, two “cast members” hired to pose for photos with Disney guests, took their time with some of those in line – the ones who needed it. A group of women celebrating a bachelorette weekend walked by, and one of the actresses gruffly called out the bride’s name and stalked after them to give them a hard time. She returned, unapologetic for the extended wait for our short line, explaining tersely “We know them. They were here earlier. We never forget a name.” Next up was an overweight, middle-aged, black man wearing a “Straight Outta Wakanda” shirt. He was clearly excited to get his photo with them, but was shy and a little intimidated by them. Heck, we were all intimidated by them. They were incredibly respectful to him, treating him like a Wakandan warrior, showing him how to pose so his shirt would still show in the picture. He left, head held high.

Ahead of us was a little girl. For her, they knelt down to be at her level. They took the time to talk with her. From the snippets we could hear, they were telling her that she was a warrior, strong and brave. She looked nervous and very serious, taking in every word. They told her to repeat after them, “I am strong. I am brave.” We couldn’t hear the rest. She repeated so quietly, and the moment wasn’t for the crowd anyway, it was just for her. For this little girl. This one little girl who stood up tall and strong afterward for the photo, flanked by these beautiful black women who had poured into her, built her up. Mum and I were both teary-eyed by the end of her time. My moment with them was brief and professional. I did not want to take up too long, just posed and thanked them for the time they spend with that little girl. They nodded, then moved on to the next, never breaking character.

It would have been such a simple thing to pose, and move on, but Disney and these actresses took their role as role models seriously and turned a tourist photo-op into small, powerful moments of influence.

Today, mum and I finally got a chance to sneak away and see Captain Marvel. Like Wonder Woman and Black Panther before it, there were moments that gave me goosebumps and a time or two where I held back a couple tears. One such moment was Maria Rambeau telling Carol Danvers she was already amazing, even before she got her powers, the two powerful women serving as examples for the young Monica Rambeau, poised to become a superhero herself one day. There’s a moment like this between Jessica Drew and Carol Danvers in the latest iteration of the Captain Marvel comic book, one of encouragement and empowerment between best friends.

I hope I can find small moments in my days and weeks to help the people in my life feel stronger, braver, better. As Christians, we are told to “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). And as a woman, I see how impactful even a minute or two can be in the life of someone who might not hear these words very often.

It may seem silly, to be inspired by fictional superheroes, but I’m an English major librarian who lives in the realm of books and stories, so what did you expect? I know the little incel boys have the opposite reaction to these moments, but perhaps that’s what makes them all the more powerful. I am a woman, not a man, and my students are children – vulnerable, often voiceless, representing many races and backgrounds. I may not have super powers, but I do have the gift of moments with them. May I use them wisely. Because, as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. May I pass on the inspiration that was given to me to be who God made us to be.

I’m Dreaming of Expanded Ministry Opportunities for Celibate Single Christians

The singles ministry is led by a male pastor in his early 30’s who happily married quite young, had three little kids, and thinks everyone else should follow his example. The women’s retreat speaker has been married for 20 years and all of her illustrations refer to being a wife and mother. The high school youth group is run by a still-in-seminary early-20-something man who just got married two years ago, and his newly pregnant wife who helps out. The Women’s and Children’s Ministry Directors are married women with children who home schooled their kids and never had careers outside of the home. The break-out session at the parenting conference for single parents is facilitated by a middle aged married couple who blended their families from previous marriages. The entire paid counseling staff of the large church is made up of married men (a couple of women are available for an hour here or there as unpaid counselors who voluntarily counsel in the little spare time they can offer up). In fact, the entire pastoral staff is made up of married men.

When a single person does appear in paid ministry in these churches, it is usually an annoyingly energetic young man, currently in or freshly out of seminary, being groomed for future leadership in the church with the very strong expectation that they will soon get married and have kids,just like every other man on staff. A single young woman in a similar situation is never even a consideration.

This is the status quo of the churches in which I grew up and continue to be a part of. Every. Single. One of them. There may be an exception here or there in some more open minded churches, but for the vast majority of evangelicals, this is our experience.

In some denominations, most, if not all ministry is performed by single members of the clergy. Monks, priests, and nuns who took vows of service and celibacy led (and still lead) parishes and churches worldwide. They were and are respected, useful members of society and leaders in ministry. Yes, there are some who abused and continue to abuse this position (horribly and with lasting effect on those abused and the church itself), but this isn’t because they are single (married pastors are capable of just as much abuse as unmarried priests). The ability for ministers to marry is allowed in Scripture and has benefits of its own, so I get why the Protestant church pushed for that change in leadership policy. But instead of building a church body that allows married AND single men and women to minister in varied ways that utilize their skills and encourage spiritual growth across the board, the conservative evangelical church has relegated single Christians to the corners of ministry, especially single women.

Single women are encouraged to work in the nursery, or maybe the church office. Single men are encouraged to help out in youth group with the sporty stuff and help pass out the communion trays. Both are encouraged even more strongly to find Christian spouses and start “a family” as their main focus of ministry. And, for almost everything else, married men and maybe women will fill ministry roles.

So why is this? If I offered to speak at the next marriage conference, to married couples, about marriage, I’d be considered a bit nuts. So why is it that married people get to lead everything, even ministries specifically to singles? Why has marriage become a seminal part of the conscious or unconscious criteria for what it means to be a ministry-ready mature Christian? Christ was unmarried, as were Paul and Timothy and many other saints of the early church. It’s time to remember that.

Here’s what I’d like to see:

  • I’d love to see middle aged single men and women encouraged to lead the singles ministry, even hired (gasp!) to do so. If the main goal of the singles pastor is to get his parishioners married off, and to teach them how to be good future husbands and wives, then you’ve hired the wrong person for this job. If they view singleness as a temporary state to be raced through as quickly as possible, then assign them to a different ministry. We do not have singles leading married ministries, so why do we have married pastors leading singles?
  • I’d love to see youth groups invite dedicated, celibate, older-than-20-or-30-something single speakers when they discuss “purity culture” so there can be a balance to the whole “save sex until marriage” and “your virginity is for your husband/wife” message. Wouldn’t it be amazing if our teenagers realized that not everyone is actually going to get married? And that marriage isn’t actually the only way to honor God? And that celibacy is not punishment, but a form of worship? Only a single speaker can convincingly make this argument, not a married one.
  • I’d love for the next women’s retreat or conference to headline a single woman speaker rather than just have one break-out session (if any) for the singles that focuses on not wasting this valuable time until marriage (with eventual marriage assumed, of course). Let’s have sermons by women where being a wife and mother fills 10% of the illustrations instead of 100%, just every once in awhile to remind the other women that probably over 50% of adults in church actually aren’t married. Let’s have single male speakers at men’s conferences too, who can shift the focus from godly man=husband/father to godly man=godly man.
  • I’d love for every church that has a counseling program to hire a full time female counselor on staff, and why not some single ones while we’re at it? See, most of the people who turn to churches for counsel are women. And by most, it’s like 80%. Sadly, due to our culture’s weird view of masculinity, men don’t tend to ask for counseling. It’s tragic, really. But this does mean that more women are coming to churches for counseling, and most churches only have male pastors on staff to help them. They may have a few women who volunteer to counsel in between their jobs and kids and everything else, but our time is always limited, and we rarely get paid for it meaning we can’t offer as much. And, when women are not on staff at churches, the elder board will actually have zero clue what needs the women of the church actually have because they have no voice at the table. Single counselors would be awesome too, as we have a lot to offer!
  • I’d love for the next parenting conference to host a break-out session by a single teacher who can help them speak to their kids about the possibility that Prince Charming or their Disney Princess may not exist. Parents need to know that God may have chosen a path of singleness for their children, that they may not get grandkids, and that this, if it is God’s will, is truly beautiful and fine and good. Parents need to be told that putting undue pressure on their kids to find a spouse and “settle down” (as if all singles are unsettled???) is not showing trust in God. They need to know that it’s okay for them to pray for their kids’ future spouses, as long as they’re also praying for God’s will which may actually not include a spouse at all.
  • I’d love for Christian colleges, universities, and seminaries to hire single male and female professors to teach and mentor and for churches to hire full-time single Christians on staff. The next generation of Christians needs to see there are valuable places in the Christian community for singles. They need mentors who can minister differently. They need a variety of voices and perspectives pointing to the same God, using the same Scripture, loving the same body of Christ. They need to see that singleness can be used for the glory of God, that committed celibate singleness is respected, and that life is not over if you can’t find a spouse.

Inclusion of mature, dedicated, celibate single Christians is even more important in a time when we demand that same-sex attracted Christians remain celibate for life, closing themselves off to the possibility of any kind of traditional family, or marry someone they are not attracted to. We expect a woman who has never been sought after as a wife to remain faithful to God alone and find her fulfillment in Him instead of being a wife and mother, even when we preach that a woman’s highest calling is to be just that. We look at older single men in the church with suspicion. We demand a difficult commitment to purity and service, yet relegate singles to second-class status with few opportunities for Christian vocation, little respect, no possibility of paid ministry, no voice in church leadership, and ultimately a life on the fringes of the community that is meant to be our family.

The church is meant to be made up of all image bearers of God; this includes both men and women, people of every tongue and race, all socioeconomic backgrounds,  and it should also include singles as well as married Christians. If any of these are lacking, then the church is bound to not even realize the gaps in who they are not able to serve. The blind spots will be insurmountable because they won’t even know they exist. It’s time for singles to be involved in every aspect of church life, including leadership.