Archive for Singleness

A Single’s Survival Guide to the Holidays

Are you facing the upcoming holidays with a blend of excitement and dismay? Happy to have a few days off to celebrate, worship, and see friends and family, but also dreading the inevitable stress, awkwardness, and loneliness that can tag along? Not quite sure exactly how to survive relatives asking about your love life, being the only one at the office party without a spouse, or being minus one on New Year’s Eve yet again, without wanting to toss all holiday cheer out the window? I’ve been there. I lived there. And, after a couple decades of adult singleness, I’ve got a few tips that might help you make the next two months more joyous and less anxiety-inducing.

Make a Game Plan

For those of you who live in cities like Los Angeles where no one ever RSVPs, creating a schedule will feel wrong. What if something better comes up? Everyone plans things last minute anyway, so you might miss out! Bear with me. I had a few LA years there where I looked ahead to my time of at Thanksgiving and Christmas as a blank slate, and rather than giving me the freedom to fill it as things came up, it left me anxious and depressed. Things did come up, but somehow they came up all at once, leaving me frantically balancing multiple events, anxiously picking and choosing what I’d do as I tried not to offend anyone. And, since everything happened all at once, there were often large swaths of time where I’d sit at home waiting for something to happen, feeling quite lonely and sorry for myself. Thus, the game plan was born.

I’ve found the best way to do it is create a blend of set-in-stone events, a couple flexible ones, some down time, and some free time to be filled in as things arise. I also try to make sure my plan includes time with family and time with friends. For instance, I have this week off for Thanksgiving Break and, instead of feeling stressed out with the million things I have to do or sad because I’m waiting around for others to make plans, I am looking forward to the week with great enthusiasm. Knowing I’ll be busy next week, I planned to stay home the Saturday before so I could get this blog done, do laundry, and rest up a bit. Then, on Sunday I’ll head to LA to go to my old church for second service, leaving lunch plans up in the air so I can go out with whoever is available after church. I’ve got dinner/drinks plans with a few friends for Sunday night, lunch plans with other friends Monday, and dinner plans with my girls Monday evening before heading back to the desert for the week. I’ve squeezed some appointments in Tuesday since they have to be done when I’m usually at work, Wednesday is left free to help my mum cook and bake for Thanksgiving, and Thursday-Friday will be for family. The weekend after Thanksgiving I’ve left open because I know my mum will want to decorate for Christmas, and I value being able to help her put the tree up. That also gives me to time to blog, do chores, and gear up for going back to work next week.

Whew! It seems like a lot, but it has a lot of space planned into it so I can love others, let others love me, celebrate, give thanks, and rest. I also remember that Christmas is coming up soon, when I’ll have some more time off, so I don’t feel pressured to see everyone or do everything this week. Never try to fit EVERYTHING into your schedule because it’s impossible and will only stress you out. Pick a couple things for each holiday as your set-in-stone plans, and save the rest for another time. Then try to hold these plans loosely, ready to be flexible if they fall through. Cold and flu season overlaps the holidays, weather can get bad (in non-southern Californian parts of the world, I’m told), and things come up. Be prepared to modify your plans if needed.

So, singles, start texting your friends and booking some lunches! Let your family know which days you’ll be there with them, and which days you’ll be gone. And don’t forget to set aside time to actually rest.

Embrace Friends as Family

When I was younger, I used to feel guilty when I wanted to spend some of my few days off with friends instead of the entire time with family. But the longer I lived in one city, the more my friendships became like family and I yearned for quality time with my friends as much as my biological family.

This became more pronounced as I got more involved with my church. Because of this, I started changing my plans to head up to my mum’s a day or two later, or head back to my apartment a couple days earlier so I could make it to church and spend time with that family as well. Now that I live with my mum, I am blocking out time to go back to my old LA neighborhood, including my old church, as part of my holiday plans.

If you don’t really have family, or they’re too far away to visit during the holidays, embrace your friends as family! Friendsgiving can be one of the most beautiful, enjoyable, worshipful meals you can have. Reach out to other singles, or married couples who live too far to travel to family. Be bold, ask what people are doing, get adopted by families in your church, or adopt a few other singles and create your own holiday celebrations with them. I had a friend who hosted Friendsgiving in her apartment every year for those who stayed behind in LA, and another who always had a Christmas Eve party for stragglers. Don’t be alone. And don’t feel like family has to be related by blood.

Start Your Own Traditions

One of the things people do when they get married, and even more when they have kids, is start their own family traditions. This is awesome as it helps them celebrate the things God is doing in their lives by marking certain days and seasons. As single adults, we often get caught up in the traditions of others and rarely make our own. If you’ve been single for awhile now, it might be time to finally embrace the holidays by creating some traditions.

When I lived a couple hours away from my family, and most of my friends were also single and away from theirs, we created a few traditions together. At the end of each semester (I was a teacher then), some of my friends (mostly teachers) and I would go to our favorite fancy Korean BBQ spot to celebrate getting through finals. These times were precious, as we could give thanks that we survived another semester, and celebrate it being over. Another tradition was my friend’s annual Christmas party; we’d all chip in by bringing food and drinks, and mark the holiday a little early before everyone went our separate ways out of town. As most of us would head back into the city on New Year’s Eve or Day, another friend hosted an annual New Year’s Day Brunch open house, where we’d slowly trickle in throughout the late morning/early afternoon for coffee, mimosas, cinnamon buns, and french toast casseroles.

Roomie Christmas was one of my favorite traditions. My fabulous flatmate and I would set aside an evening the week before Christmas, before I left town, to celebrate Christmas together. We always decorated our flat for the holidays, even getting a 6’ tall live Christmas tree a couple times, so sometimes roomie Christmas was just spent at home, eating seasonal snacks, having hot toddies and watching “Die Hard” or introducing her to “A Nightmare Before Christmas.” One year, we went to an Andrew Bird concert in a gorgeous old cathedral, another we went to Disneyland for our roomie Christmas date. That time was always special, for just the two of us, and set apart from the rest of the holiday busyness.

I would also make sure I was back in my hometown a couple days before Christmas so I could go to Christmas Eve service with my mum, brother, and sister-in-law at their church and then partake in our family’s tradition of opening our stockings that night.

Since I just moved back to the town much of my family lives in and instead live a couple hours from most of my friends, I’m working on creating some new traditions outside of my family ones, so I can still celebrate with my friends.

Get Over Not Having a Plus One

I honestly can’t remember ever having a plus one for anything – not a wedding, family Thanksgiving dinner, work Christmas party, or New Year’s Eve celebration. I had a couple boyfriends in my early 20’s, but I guess they weren’t around during the holidays, or weren’t serious enough to bring home to meet the family. So, while every one of my four siblings brought significant others, some of whom eventually turned into spouses, with them to Thanksgiving and Christmas family meals, I never did. While almost everyone else attended the annual work Christmas party accompanied by a spouse or date, I stood in the corner nursing my drink, feeling oh-so-alone. And don’t get me started on the horrors of one New Year’s Eve party after another, standing there alarmed as everyone else around me seemed to have someone to kiss except for myself and the one awkward single guy who had no intention of kissing me.

One of the benefits of being perpetually single for a couple of decades is that everyone gets used to it. Your Bridget Jones awkwardly trying to make small talk with Mr. Darcy in a reindeer jumper moments decrease. Relatives eventually stop asking the horrible questions about your love life. People stop putting “Plus One” on your invitation as it becomes assumed you’ll come alone. The lone single guy at the part stops being threatened that you’ll want to flirt with him because, well, you’re older now and never really learned how to flirt in the first place. When this started happening (or not happening, I suppose) I was offended. How dare my cousin stop asking if I had a boyfriend, did they think I would be single forever? How rude for my friend to not even give me the chance to bring a Plus One to their wedding, did they think I couldn’t find a date? How condescending for the guy to assume I’m not interested in flirting, is it  just because I’m over 35? But to be honest, at this point in my life, all of these answers are pretty true. I think I will most likely be single forever, I haven’t had a date to any of these functions and probably never will, and I am probably not interested in the guy at the party at all. And I’m pretty happy this way.

So, my tip is to embrace being single during the holidays. Instead of yearning for the rom-com movie ending of every Hallmark movie, learn to love your independence. Instead of getting upset that your cousin is bothering you about not being married yet, tell her how happy you are in your current life because you’ve been able to reach out to others more and serve God in particular ways only a single person can. Explain how awesome work, travel, friendships, church, and ministry have been lately. Change the focus from your single status to your life as a child of God who is fulfilling his plan for your life.

At the office holiday party, enjoy getting the opportunity to meet the spouses and significant others of these people with whom you spend so much of your time. These are the humans that mean the most to your coworkers, so embrace getting to know them. I actually became friends with the husbands and wives of the teachers I worked with through holiday parties like this, and looked forward to getting to catch up with them each year. Don’t stand in the corner feeling awkward, instead be confident that you are just as valuable and have as much to offer as they do. Also, remember that pretty much everyone feels awkward at parties like this! If you make it  your goal to help others feel at ease, you’ll focus less on yourself and end up having an even better time as you help others feel more at ease.

As my friends dated and married over the years, they shared a secret with me: New Year’s Eve is actually one of the most overrated holidays and is almost always a let down for everyone, even when you have someone to kiss. So, take this and other holidays less seriously. Lower those romantic expectations of adventure. Yes, I spent last New Year’s Eve with my only date a nervous doggy trying to hide from the fireworks. Unexciting New Year’s have less to do with being single, and more to do with the fact that we’re all getting old! It’s not like everyone is out partying while I’m home alone. Most of my married friends with kids are in bed by the time the actual West Coast midnight rolls around. Realizing this has been freeing, and now I can enjoy my quiet holiday nights.

Worship

Holidays help us mark our days and remember what God has done. I love them. They break up our usual day to day routine, giving us days off for worship and reflection, celebration and observation. I admit that some years, the holiday season has come and gone without this as my main focus; life gets busy and I get distracted. However, many of my favorite holiday seasons throughout my life were infused by times of worship, moments of looking back at what God had done that year, glimpses of his grace, times of thankfulness, and reflection on what the nativity truly means for humanity. This year, I’d like to infuse these upcoming days and weeks with worship.

One of my favorite parts of studying at L’Abri Fellowship in England last winter was being there for some of the holiday season: Halloween, Bonfire Night, an ex-pat Thanksgiving, the beginning of Advent and the weeks leading up to Christmas. Each morning, one of the workers read to us at breakfast, bits and pieces from the Bible, literature, poetry, and even songs, all meant to focus our thoughts upward and outward. The local church I went to, in a centuries old stone chapel, celebrated the first Sunday of advent with special choral music, liturgical readings, and mulled wine warmed over the pot bellied wood stove at the back of the church. At the Manor House, we had our first advent reading in a candle and wreath filled chapel on the grounds. Now that I’m back from sabbatical, back in the busy routine of humdrum daily life, I’m working to find special ways to worship, on top of the ordinary ones.

At Thanksgiving, my sister and I make place cards by writing Bible verses of thanks on index cards and decorating them with stickers. After dinner, we go around, read our verse, and say something we’re thankful for. Singles, this is something you can do with family or friends! And this thankfulness should infuse our lives; instead of thinking about what we don’t have, we can thank God for what we do have. Holidays give us a unique opportunity to set aside time to meditate on specific things, whether it’s what God has done in our lives this year, praising him for giving up so much to become human in order to show his love for us, or looking ahead to the next year and how we can glorify him better.

As a single person, one thing I’ve missed is family worship. I don’t have kids to create a Pinterest-worthy tree filled with hand-traced leaves with thanksgiving messages on them. I don’t sing Christmas carols, read the story of the Christ child, and light the Advent candles like we used to as a family when I was little. So we singles might need to get a little creative with our worship, find ways to incorporate it into our lives, set aside time to actually write a list of our thanks, write letters to friends who have blessed us, or pray through Psalms of thanksgiving. We might need to search out a devotional book to go through for advent, or download a schedule for Advent reading such as the one offered by the Revised Common Lectionary. We might have to be bold and ask our friends, roommates, or families if they’d like to join us for the lighting of Advent candles and prayer. We worship God through how we live our lives, but sometimes we need a bit more than that to help us refocus – sometimes we need the tradition and liturgy. Seek it out. Fit it in.

My mum and I have decided we’re going to observe advent together, our first year experiencing the entire season together in a decade. We haven’t quite figured out what we’re going to do yet, what we’ll read, how often, and when, but we’ll dig out the old Advent wreath and light the candles. If you have any ideas for readings my mum and I and other singles can incorporate into our own Advent rituals, comment below.

There are many ways singles can grow in our enjoyment of the holidays, these tips merely offer a few ideas. If you have more tips singles can use the survive during this holiday season, I’d love to hear them, and I wish you the happiest of holiday seasons!

Join me next week for the Skint Spinster’s Guide to Gift Giving.

The Lesser Sanctification of the Childless

I have a cold. Which means this week, I spent quite a bit of time after work on the couch or in bed and way too much time on social media. And, during one of these online binges, I came across this brilliant tweet by Rachel Held Evans:

I read this and thought, in my sinus congested brain, this makes a lot of sense. I also thought about what things in my life helped shatter the “follow-your-bliss” and “live-a-thrilling-story” idols I’ve had. And I loved her last line about “just showing up and being faithful.” So many Amens to that.

And then . . . well, then I made the mistake of reading the comments. While most of them were awesome or at least innocuous, there were the usual few that took this principle one step further and turned it into something along the lines of “parenthood is the ONLY way or the ULTIMATE way” these false life goals are routed out of us. As a single woman who already struggles with the awkwardness of not having kids, this line of reasoning never ceases to disturb me. As if God only uses one method, the same method, to help each and every one of us grow. As if raising children is the only way, or even the absolute best way, to stop believing a false narrative of personal fulfillment.

One of my pet peeves as a single woman in the church is how often I hear these messages; these “truths” build up one type of person while putting down another, usually inadvertently. By changing just a word or two, from “a gift of parenthood” to “parenthood is the one and only way, or the best way,” this beautiful idea becomes a patronizing way of saying that parents are able to be more sanctified than non-parents, in this area at least.

Let me paraphrase a few of the comments to show you what I’m talking about:

  • Parenting is the best destroyer of the ‘what matters most is doing what feels good’ mythology.
  • I think parents pressure their adult kids into having babies soon after marriage because they can’t wait for us to learn this.
  • Kids are the ultimate teacher in the school of dying to self.
  • Have kids, and you’ll find out what you really believe. Parenting is boot camp for the rest of your life as adult.
  • Becoming a parent is the most sanctifying thing ever.

Since the vast majority of Americans have children by the time they’re 45, making statements like this may seem insightful at best and harmless at worst. But for the rest of us, those of us without children, declarations like these leave us out in the cold. If parenting is the best, main, or only tool God uses to teach his children that the “follow your heart” ideal is horribly flawed and rather being faithful in the little day to day things can truly give us our best lives, then all childless adults are doomed to live lesser lives with that false bubble still intact.

The thing is, that’s not true, is it? We’ve all met parents who still firmly believe the lie Rachel Held Evans exposes, and we all know single people who don’t buy into it. Sanctification is not limited to parents.

Instead of perpetuating this common idea that parenting is some magic formula to sanctification, we should be focusing on the fact that God can, and does, use all things in our lives to grow us more like Christ.

Paul, assures the church at Philippi “that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).

In Romans 12, he discusses how all followers of Christ should present our bodies as living sacrifices to God. He goes on to explain how we are many members of the same body, all of whom have different gifts, but in whom the Holy Spirit is working. Parenting doesn’t even come up because it is merely one of the many tools God can use to help draw us into his vision for life.

Here are some other ways the “follow-your-bliss” and “live-a-thrilling-story” life goals are often revealed to be empty objectives in life thus far, none of which include raising a child.

Death

When someone you love dies, it takes everything in you to just show up and be faithful because you can’t do anything else. The thrilling story of my life as I saw it was supposed to include my grandparents, friends, crush, and father a lot longer than it did. Grief does not allow the “follow-your-bliss” narrative to continue because it strips your bliss away, revealing what’s underneath. Hopefully, revealing faithfulness and love.

Illness and Injury

It’s hard to live a thrilling story when every step you take is excruciatingly painful. Sometimes we have to cancel our exciting single and carefree plans when, instead of jumping on the airplane for which we have a nonrefundable ticket, we end up in the emergency room unable to move due to a back injury. In moments like these, or lifetimes for those who suffer from chronic pain, just showing up is the hardest thing in the world. When all of one’s strength is taken by not giving in to despair, faithfulness is all that’s required of us.

Financial Insecurity

One comment on Evans’ tweet highlighted that this idol of following our hearts and leading exciting lives is one only the financially stable can afford to have. They point out that this dies pretty quickly when you have to work multiple jobs just to scrape by to pay the bills. As someone who grew up quite poor and is currently working 3 jobs just to cover my necessities, I agree. There isn’t much thought to “bliss” when you’re just doing what you have to do to get by.

Being Part of a Church Family

God uses his children to help each other grow. It doesn’t take a toddler to teach patience, or a sick child to teach selflessness. God can and does use everyone around us. For parents, yes, this means he will use your children and spouses an awful lot, as well as your coworkers, friends, family, and church. For those of us without kids, he’ll use everyone in our lives too. If you’ve ever been part of a church family, you know how hard that can be. Just showing up and being faithful is my mantra these days, because so often I don’t even want to show up.

Following Your Bliss

One of the best ways to realize the emptiness of a self-focused life built on the idea that we can be fulfilled by chasing our own pleasure comes from trying it out for awhile. Many a soul has pursued this very goal, seeking the thrilling life of adventure and running after whatever brings immediate gratification, only to find it hollow and unfulfilling. Jesus uses one such story, that of the wealthy young man who gets his inheritance early and leaves home to chase pleasure, only to return to his father as a lost prodigal, destitute and miserable (Luke 15). For those of us who don’t want to figure this out for ourselves, we can learn from reading parables like this, and stories depicting this truth over and over again in great literature and history.

Singleness

Singleness, in and of itself, can be a testing ground for this idea. When so many of us have future dreams of falling in love, getting married, and living an adventurous life with our partner, our prolonged or permanent singleness can be the greatest teacher. We either must re-frame our idea of a successful life, or live in bitterness. Most people I know who have been single for a long time learned awhile ago that “just showing up and being faithful” is the only way to be content, the only way to see what God has for us rather than what we wanted for ourselves.

There are a million other way in which God is working in all of his children, whether parents or not, married or single, to conform us to his image. Please don’t fall into the trap of believing or causing others to believe he has the same way of doing this for everyone.

Romans 8:28-31
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according this his purpose.For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

It might seem a bit nit-picky, but for singles and those of us without kids who hear this rhetoric All The Time, it adds up and can get into our heads. It can also get into the heads of parents, Christian professors, and pastors – like their adult children, students, and parishioners won’t be quite sanctified enough until they are married and have kids of their own. Let’s be careful about what we are saying, because it seeps into what we believe and can eventually lead to entire churches and groups of Christians believing false theology. Let’s give hope to every follower of Christ that God can and will work in them, using the varied tools he so chooses, to help them fulfill their calling.

The Awkwardness of Not Having Kids

This week I had two separate, incredibly awkward conversations about the failure of me and my uterus to do what we’re apparently supposed to do. In the minds of many, especially fellow Christians, we had One Job, and we are joint failures, my lazy uterus and I.

Both times, while chatting with some women at work, all of whom are mothers, parenting and kids inevitably came up. I casually stated, almost offhand, something like “since I won’t be having kids of my own, it’s nice to be so close to my little niece and nephew, so I can be part of their lives as they grow up.” And, like always, this derailed the conversational train a bit. Two of the women just stared at me, mouths open, not knowing what to say, while one started into the typical response of “don’t worry, you still have time, I didn’t start having my kids until I was in my 30s! You can’t be more than, what, 29? Are you even in your 30s?” And thus the awkwardness grows.

“Actually, I’m 39.”

At this point, we all just stand there looking and feeling even more awkward. I don’t look my age, so this frequently comes as a surprise. Some brave souls continue on after this revelation with phrases like, “you can still have kids if you start soon!” but most don’t continue.

And I always wonder, how much should I go on after this? Do I explain that I haven’t been in a relationship since my early 20’s, and have only been on one date in the last decade, so the likelihood of finding a man with whom I’d like to reproduce any time soon is minuscule? Do I discuss how miserable trying to online date made me feel about myself, so I just don’t even bother anymore? Do I explain how removing trying to date from the picture has made me so much more happy? Do I dare go into how my body might actually be going through perimenopause early, which would make conception even more difficult? Do I delve into the odd fact that I seem to have missed out on the ticking biological clock, and never felt a strong desire to have my own bio kids, so even when I still thought marriage was a probable outcome, I wanted to adopt? Do I get on my soap box about how expensive adoption is privately, and how I don’t have the resources, financial or emotional, to even try to go through fost-adopt  as a single woman? Do I try to assure them that I’m actually doing pretty well with this not having kids thing, and feel like God’s plan for me is just different than for them, but it’s still good and noble and useful? How can I convince them that this is actually okay, fine, even?

Instead, I usually just blush and feel stupid and try to end the conversation as quickly as possible. Embarrassed. And maybe even a bit ashamed. And then I spend the rest of the day wondering if these women look at me as immature, or selfish, or weird, or less than a woman because I can’t join the PTA.

I get it. They love being moms. They find deep meaning in their lives because of their children. And they are great mothers! I love their passion for their kids, and am so glad these little ones have been blessed with such amazing women to raise them! Because of this, I think it’s really difficult for them to imagine a life without kids. For them, even the thought of a life without their beloved babies fills them with sadness. I get it.

But, I’m not sad.

Yes, over the past few years as I got older and my body started to change a bit, and I realized having my own kids was no longer just something I wasn’t particularly interested in but was most likely an impossibility, I felt a bit weird sometimes. Any time choice is taken away, I feel odd. But again, not bad exactly. Just odd. Like I need to wrap my head around it a bit more, that’s all. And when I do think it through, I realize that I’m just fine.

It’s other people who seem to have more trouble with this concept than I do. Especially Christians. Especially Christian women. Married Christian men struggle with the idea of me not ever getting married as much as the women do, but the topic of me not having kids doesn’t really come up with them as much. But man, put me in a group of evangelical mommies, and I stick out like The Demogorgon out of the Upside Down.

This becomes more and more problematic each year, because fellow single, childless friends drop like flies the older you get, succumbing to marital and parental bliss. Yet here I stay, perpetually single and childless. Happily so, I might add, at least in this episode of my life. So here are a few things it would be nice for other Christians to know about being single and childless:

  • It’s not a sin to be childless or single. It’s not wrong for a man or woman to remain unmarried and without kids.
  • Some of us have purposefully chosen to be single and childless, some of us have just ended up that way, and others of us had no choice. We are complex humans, remember that before “comforting” or “encouraging” us.
  • Some of us are perfectly happy without kids and some are devastated. Please get to know us a bit instead of automatically judging or pitying us, so you can find out how we feel about it instead of projecting what you think you might feel if you were in that situation. Then you’ll know better how to actually encourage us.
  • Not having kids does not make us selfish, lazy people. Many singles are judged as not being quite as responsible, caring, and selfless as their married with kids counterparts. There are many studies that show singles are often paid less and promoted less than their married coworkers because the “not having a family to support” makes them appear less driven or dedicated. In actuality, single workers work more hours and take less time off than married ones. We are dedicated to our families and friends. We often serve in the church, volunteer in our communities, and take care of our lives responsibly all on our own.
  • God has different plans for different people, but they are all for our good and his glory. Please keep this in mind when you struggle to understand the plan he has for your single friend without children. His perfect plan for my life so far just hasn’t included a husband or baby, that’s all. God’s plan for my life has allowed me to grow closer to him, closer to my family and friends, more in love with the beauty of his creations, and has allowed me to bless and be blessed by the lives of hundreds of students.

I look forward to the rest of my single, childless life because I know God has beautiful and glorious things in store for me, along with the difficult things. And, the next time someone throws me into the middle of the awkward “you can still have kids” conversation, I might just get into a graphic biology lesson about the aging uterus. If I do that enough times, perhaps people will stop.

The Top 5 Things I Hate to do Alone

As much as I love having the opportunity to do some things all alone, and often enjoy the peace and quiet available to me as a single person, there are a few things for which I wish I had a permanent date. I realize that being married doesn’t necessarily guarantee a partner for all of the following things, as some spouses are out of town, hate to go to these functions, or are otherwise unable to do so. Still, having a husband or a wife seems to increase the likelihood of not having to go to at least some or most of the following alone.

Eating Dinner Out

For some reason, dining out alone at lunchtime is fine for me. I can bring a book along and have a perfectly enjoyable lunch-for-one at a restaurant or cafe any time without feeling too awkward. Perhaps that’s because there seem to be other people who are ducking out on their lunch breaks at work to catch a moment alone, so I don’t stick out quite so much.

But the minute that menu switches from lunch to dinner, all sorts of embarrassment washes over me if I set foot in an eating establishment all on my own. Though I don’t look at other single diners with judgement, and honestly rarely even notice other diners, I feel rather pathetic sitting there taking up a table for 2 or more while others wait to be seated.

There are times in my life when it’s worth it to suck it up and get over my own feelings of discomfort by just getting comfy at that table and enjoy an isolated dinner, like when I travel alone, or really crave sushi. For the most part, however, I just avoid the dinner rush altogether unless I can find friend or family to drag along with me.

In Los Angeles, this was easier to deal with as I was a GrubHub addict and, at the press of a button on my phone app, whatever food I wanted would appear at my door. If I had a craving for tacos, chicken wings, pie, or even Himalayan food, I could have it delivered right to my doorstep where only the one delivery person could judge me for dining solo. Heck, I embraced this so much that I was totally that woman who’d open the door in my plaid pajamas, Netflix or Hulu on pause, and unabashedly accept a food delivery that could feed an entire family when obviously it was just for me. Now I live in a city where the only delivery available is pizza. Sigh. It’s just not the same. But set foot in a crowded restaurant at 6:30 pm on a Friday all on my lonesome? Never!

Parties

When I was younger, the ratio of single to married friends was very much in my favor. Yet, even then, that moment I walked through the door of the host’s house or entered a venue filled me with a small amount of dread. I’d stand there, looking around to find the face of someone I knew. As an introverted extrovert, parties are complicated for me. I both love and hate them. But as one single among many, I felt less of the odd one out.

Now that most of my friends and family are married, I’m no longer the 10th person to walk through that door alone, but am instead one of a dwindling number. All eyes swing to me, and I don’t have that partner standing next to me to hold my hand or bump my elbow to reassure me that they’re not staring at me like I’m a freak, but just in curiosity.

The other weird thing about parties at this point in my life is that most of them are for, or at least include, children. So not only am I often one of the few who arrive spouse-less, but I’m childless as well. This leaves me out of the vast majority of party small talk among women my age. Honestly, I sometimes feel more comfortable surrounded by the husbands because they are more likely talking about work or politics than kids. Sadly, this isn’t always looked upon favorably. Calm down, ladies, I’m not interested in your husbands and they’re not interested in me, I just want to talk about Star Wars instead of potty training. I wish this gender stereotype didn’t play out so often in real life, but I’ve been stuck in this situation more times than I can count and it never gets any less horrible.

There is also something a bit lonely about leaving a party all on my own. Once I get past my social awkwardness and selfishness, and start to try to find ways to talk to others on the fringes and include them in the larger conversation, parties can be quite fun. Then comes time to leave. These days I’ll often track down the host, give them a hug, and then ghost out of there. Then I get in my car and have to shake off the feeling of being alone again.

Fawn as a bridesmaid, photo by Erik Stalnaker

Weddings

Let me be honest here – I’ve never really been a huge fan of weddings. I’m a huge fan of love, commitment, marriage, and families, but the long, drawn-out, formal ceremony followed by an even longer reception brings out the worst of my attitude and my insecurities. Because I feel the awkwardness of others so acutely, and wish I could make everyone okay, weddings are particularly difficult.

Once again, they were easier to attend when I was younger and went with a bunch of single girl and guy friends. But now, once again, I’m one of the few attendees sans date. I often attach myself to my married friends as soon as I walk in the door, and try not to let them out of my site for fear I’ll be stuck alone in a corner, nursing my champagne, looking pathetic.

Dancing is interesting as well because I actually like to dance at weddings. Just put some Spice Girls on, and there I’ll be in the middle of the dance floor with the bride and all her bridesmaids, grinning like crazy. But then the slow songs come on, and I’m always one of those who has to clear the floor as the DJ makes a big deal about how many decades each couple has been married. In high school and college, I used to swing dance. I took a few ballroom classes, and truly enjoyed them. My brother was my partner much of the time, and we had such a blast together. But again, the older I got, the fewer opportunities were left for a single woman who is socially awkward to swing dance. Classes have a skewed ratio, as do clubs, so there are never enough male partners to go around. And to be honest, the romantic in me always dreamt of having a boyfriend or husband who would dance with me, so now I just don’t do it at all, making that part of the wedding conflicted.

Weddings blend all my insecurities from parties with a culture that celebrates couples to the extent it can sometimes insult singles. Sadly, I’ve heard too many speeches from parents, siblings, or friends that mock the bride or groom for having been single for so long. One too many bad jokes including “we never thought they’d find someone!” or “it’s about time!” has created a PTSD-like reaction in me, including flinching, blushing, and feeling like vomiting as I am often the same age or even older than the bride or groom being so berated. No matter how many times this happens, I am always horrified on behalf of the bride or groom and all singles.

I’m not saying a spouse would make me suddenly love and embrace all the traditions that go along with weddings (don’t get me started on the misogyny of garter throw, or degrading connotations of the bouquet toss) but I do think they’d be at least slightly less difficult for me to attend if I had someone in my corner with me.

Work Functions

Extracurricular functions for one’s work are inevitably uncomfortable for most of us, but being one of the few singletons makes it even worse. Fundraisers, dinners, parties, galas, and other non-work work activities are usually built for couples. “Bring your spouse!” is highlighted on invitations, encouraged, and expected. And then there’s me. I don’t even bother to try to scrounge up a date – I just go stag. Every time.

Just like the awkwardness bred by parties and weddings, going to work functions alone brings out all my jitters. I feel young, immature, and very alone; it’s as if I’m missing some key ingredient to being an adult. Part of this is because I’m often treated a bit younger by bosses or coworkers in these instances because I’m there sans partner. I’ve even been hit on by someone else’s husband when he found out I was single because somehow he thought me saying “hi, how are you doing?” was flirting. Grrrr Argh.

Formal functions are the worst because even the tables are set up for couples. As a single person, I get squished in wherever they have room, often next to some other single person I may not even know. There is often dancing or some other couple-favoring activity. And honestly, these events can be grueling without a partner in crime to chat to all night.

It is here that I feel the most pity from those around me, as year after year, time after time, I still arrive alone. Most of my fellow single coworkers bring dates and eventually end up bringing their new spouse – but there’s Fawn, still alone. Always alone. And everyone knows it. Even if I’m at a point in my life where I actually prefer being single and am perfectly content in it, they can’t help but look at me like I’m just a bit sad somehow. I’ve learned that, since most people can’t imagine being single for their whole lives, they just can’t handle thinking that someone else might be happy this way.

Church

This one hurts the most. Being a single woman at 39 in the modern American church is hard for most of the reasons above plus a zillion more. Just this morning, I went to second service alone because my sister and her husband, with whom I often sit, had to teach a kids’ Sunday School class instead. So, in I walk, getting there just as the music starts and most people are already seated. And I have to go through the same anxiety-inducing decision of where to sit, yet again. Some Sundays I just look for the first person or couple I know and go insinuate myself next to them, whether they like it or not. Other days, like today, I just try to find a seat on the end of a row where I can sit alone. This is never not awkward. Never.

Then you have the thing where you meet a new person and they ask if you’re married and/or have kids and when you say no, they often have no idea what to say after that. The pity I get from some at work multiplies when at church, where many think it’s a theological truth that marriage is better than singleness, even though this is not true. The amount of little old ladies who want to know WHY I’m single is astounding. And then I have to come up with reasons, over and over and over again. Like, well . . . I just haven’t met the right person, or I guess God doesn’t want me to be married, or God’s had a lot for me to do as a single woman, or I have no bloody idea, actually.

All of this discomfort is magnified when trying out a new small group or Bible study. It’s like walking into most of the mortification found at parties, weddings, work functions, and church all together. It would be nice to have a partner by my side who knew how uncomfortable these situations make me feel and could help run interference.

Sometimes, I throw people off at church because I am a single woman who is educated in theology and speaks up. I don’t have a husband to temper my thoughts and for some Christians this is a bit disconcerting. I’ve had men gape at me for daring to speak to them or ask them a question about what they’ve claimed. I’ve had women glare at me for not staying quiet, or for speaking to not just them, but their husbands as well. Again, I am about the least threatening woman when it comes to stealing a wife’s husband! I’m an awkward, overweight geek who has zero interest in married men. Still, in the church being a single woman can limit my ability to have a voice or ministry. Heartbreaking, yes, but that’s how it is.

So, there’s my list of the top 5 things I currently hate to do alone. The church, in particular, needs to work on incorporating singles into its daily life in a way that is less alienating. And we singles need to develop friendships that can get past our single/married status. 

What do you hate to do alone?

The Top 5 Things I Like to do Alone

As a perpetually single adult, I’ve spent a large portion of my life doing things alone. I even lived entirely on my own in a tiny rundown studio apartment for a few years when I first moved to LA. In all these years, I’ve grown to adore doing certain things completely solo as much as I abhor even just the thought of doing others sans company. Today’s blog will explore my top 5 list of the things I love doing all on my own, and next week I’ll tackle the things I hate.

We singles often think about how we feel awkward or depressed without a partner to do certain things with, but are we forgetting the awesomeness that comes from partaking in certain activities without anyone else? The older I get, the more I appreciate the rare opportunity I have to do the following things without one, or several, other people tagging along at all times. There can be great beauty and joy in solitude if approached the right way.

Here are the top 5 things I like to do alone:

Shopping

Some of my friends just love shopping together, but carpooling to Target or hitting up the closest outdoor mall is a bonding experience I’d rather forego. Even when I was a teen, I hated shopping with my friends, especially for clothes. As a plus size woman, I know which stores actually have clothes for my body type, and which styles may be worth trying on. When I shop with friends, many of whom are much smaller and have never had to consider that a store won’t have anything at all in their size, they inevitably want me to try stores or clothes that I already know will not work, so I’d rather just avoid that awkwardness and frustration.

When I go shopping on my own, I can shop as methodically and efficiently as I like. I am a list-maker, so heading down the aisles for exactly what I need and checking it off my list quickly brings me great satisfaction. I love getting in and out of the grocery store with what I need quickly and smoothly. My mother, a diligent browser who always gets things for amazing deals, can browse all day. I cannot – I reach my “shopping limit” and just don’t have it in me to go on. Honestly, most of my Christmas and birthday shopping is done online so I don’t have to worry about dealing with other humans and their differing shopping styles.

Even when it comes to larger purchases, like my car or phone, I enjoy shopping on my own. I can do as much online research as I like to find out the exact product I want, what it’s worth, and what I want to pay before heading into the dealership or shop on my own to get exactly what I’m looking for. I didn’t always enjoy doing this alone, and even cried when I was treated badly by a car dealer the first time I bought a car years ago. But, after another decade, I grew more confident and learned how to present myself, and I also learned how awesome it is to just get up and walk out if you are treated badly as a customer, especially if they are treating you disrespectfully for being a woman on your own. Now that I’m older and more confident, I don’t have that problem very often. When shopping with others for these big ticket items, I find myself trying to be polite by deferring to their opinions when I should just go with my instincts. Also, since I do extensive research and know what I’m looking for, it is easier to shop on my own without other people putting in their two cents when they don’t actually know what they’re talking about.

Many of my friends who are married with children have shared with me how much they miss just being able to shop without kids at their heels. For moms especially, shopping can become a chaotic chore. As a single woman, I can browse my way through bookstores (the one place my “shopping limit” is extended) for hours peacefully without having to worry about little ones knocking things over or husbands getting bored. Instead, shopping can become a quiet, enjoyable, independent experience.

Driving

Sometimes, when I’ve had a rough day or am just feeling antsy, I’ll get in my car and just drive. I’ll crank up the music, roll down the windows or blast the AC, pick a road or freeway, and just head out for an hour or two. When I lived in LA, my favorite time to do this was late at night – after traffic got less claustrophobic and the lights of the city blinked on to cast a romantic glow over buildings and concrete.

I remember when my dad was dying, just driving alone through the hills surrounding my desert town at night, listening to Damien Rice, crying a bit, and trying to process my grief. When you live with other people – family or roommates – a drive alone can be the best way to process tough emotions. While it is important to be vulnerable and let others help us when we’re feeling sad or are grieving, sometimes it’s nice to have the space to not have to worry about other people worrying about us.

Solo drives are also excellent opportunities for conversations with God, for crying out to him or singing his praises. Yes, sometimes I talk to myself or to God while driving, so don’t judge me too harshly if you see me driving by chattering on to no one. There is also great catharsis in blasting loud punk or rock music and singing along at the top of your lungs. Seriously, try it, it’s amazing.

Going for a solo evening stroll along a Santa Monica beach.

Beach Strolling

When I lived in West LA, one of my favorite things to do was stroll the beach by myself just before sunset. I’d park in that pay-by-the-hour lot off Ocean Park that the locals know about and the tourists never use, kick off my shoes, and walk along the sand just above the water line. Sometimes, friends would join me for this stroll, which I loved, and some of my best memories are walking with friends on the beach. But other times, it was just me, and it was beautiful.

I find my mind reaches a peaceful kind of clarity by the ocean which it rarely finds elsewhere. With my toes in the wet sand, the breeze in my hair, and the view of seagulls, giggling kids chasing waves, surfers way out where the whitecaps start, and the lights of the ferris wheel on the horizon, these walks alone were therapeutic. Again, I would find myself talking to God, though this time not out loud (I’m not that crazy yet).

In the last decade, quite a few big life decisions I’ve had to face were mulled over as I sat on the sand, looking out over the Pacific as the sun began to set. Infinity is easier to process when there is no end to the horizon, and big decisions seem more palatable. The edge of the ocean is a great place to spend some time alone.

Reading the Chronicles of Narnia alone over tea at the Vaults and Garden cafe in Oxford, England.

Reading & Writing

I was that nerdy kid in high school and college who abhorred group projects and would rather just get my work done on my own. I knew I’d either get stuck with a bossy partner who wanted to take over but do it worse than I could, or lazy students who’d make me do all the work. Either way, it wouldn’t be good. As an adult, I still feel this way.

One of my favorite things to do alone is read and write. I have some friends and family who also love to read, but even then it’s better alone because they can’t distract me, and I can’t distract them. When sitting in a room with another reader, inevitably one of us will end up commenting on something to the other and concentration is broken.

When the weather is good, it’s lovely to go outside in a garden (Descanso Gardens is great for this), or the backyard, iced tea or water in hand, and read for an hour or two. Cafes and coffee shops are perfect when it’s colder. I read well with ambient noise that doesn’t include people talking directly to me.

I also like to journal, but am rather shy about it so rarely do it when others are around. Since I’ve lived with family or roommates most of my life, I often wait until everyone else has gone to bed to write. My mum kindly set up a little desk for me in the guest room as my “home office” so I can blog peacefully in the back corner of the house without interruption.

The Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi, one of my favorite places to be alone.

Traveling

One of my absolute favorite things to do alone is travel. I also enjoy traveling with friends and family, so this isn’t exclusive – I’m pretty much going to love any chance to explore new places. But, traveling alone does have some of its own perks.

As someone who is very aware of those around me and how they are feeling/reacting to the situations we’re in, traveling with others can be particularly stressful. I feel responsible for helping those I’m with feel comfortable and have a good time whether I’m actually responsible for this or not. Perhaps this stems from the fact that much of my world traveling has been as a chaperone to 50 high school students when I actually was responsible for them!

When I travel alone, most of the stress is removed. I know how to pack, how to deal with airports and transportation, I’m pretty flexible when it comes to food and places to stay, so when it’s just me, I don’t worry as much.

Traveling in groups is also difficult because everyone has different tastes in what they like to do. When I’m on my own, I can wander through museums for as long as I like, or plop myself down in front of one painting for an hour. I can discover an old cathedral and kneel to pray silently. I can stroll through cemeteries and libraries without worrying that people will think this is an odd hobby to have. I can sit at a sidewalk cafe with a cappuccino reading or journaling, people watching, and just enjoying the scenery.

Traveling alone also affords me the opportunity to stretch myself socially as well, which is stressful indeed, but good for me. When I travel with friends or family, I am usually just with them. When I travel on my own, I tend to stay at places like hostels or communes, where I am forced to interact with other people and make new friends. This is incredibly difficult for me, but also one of the most rewarding things in my life, and I now have friends all over the world who are dear to me because of experiencing new cities and countries together as strangers.

Some of my deepest spiritual moments have occurred while I traveled alone. Without the comfort of friends and family, it is easy to get lonely and feel a bit lost when traveling, especially in other countries and on other continents. It is in these times that I turn all the more to God and his word, finding comfort in knowing he is with me, finding joy in knowing I can always rely on him.

Traveling alone is not for everyone, and must be approached carefully, especially for women, but I have found those trips to be some of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.

The single life has some amazing benefits and we should remind ourselves of them more frequently. Much of what is spoken or written about singleness focuses on the negative side when some things are tremendously fulfilling and sometimes even more lovely when we get to do them on our own.

What are some of the things you enjoy doing alone?

Responding to Marrieds for Dummies

Welcome to Part 2 of my “for Dummies” series. This is a response to last week’s blog post Talking to Singles for Dummies. Go on, read that first, I’ll wait.

Okay, so now that you’ve read about how married people should talk to singles, let’s look at how singles should respond to the mostly well-meaning married people in our lives who just don’t know how to talk to us about our singleness. We have a few options:

Get Annoyed, Offended, or Hurt

Although this is not the best option, sometimes it just happens. For the fifth time today, someone tells you to “buck up because it’s not too late, you may still find a husband or wife” and you can no longer contain your eye roll or exaggerated sigh. I get it. We deal with this constantly and, as flawed human beings, we can’t always respond with patience and grace as much as we may like to. In these moments, I think it is important to ask ourselves if the person talking to us is trying to hurt us, or trying to help us. I guess there are probably some vindictive people out there who would say such things in order to rub in the fact that we’re single or to make themselves look better, but honestly I can’t think of anyone in my life who most likely had that motivation. Everyone I know who awkwardly stumbles through platitudes and cliche phrases about my singleness is doing so because they are trying to encourage me, make me feel better. They may do it very badly indeed, and actually make me feel worse in the process, but that was not their original intent. Remembering this can help, remembering they are saying these things out of love. I might still be annoyed, but hopefully will be able to stave off being offended or hurt.

Ignore the Statement

One way to respond to these unfortunate statements about our singleness is not to respond at all. Sometimes it’s best to just move on to a different topic and act like the person said nothing rather than delve into the issue. This is part of picking your battles. The older I get, the more I realize that many battles are just not worth fighting. I used to struggle with the meaning of 1 Peter 4:8 which says “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” As someone who thinks honesty and forgiveness are key to reconciliation, I used to think most sins needed to be aired. But when offense is given accidentally, and even more so out of a motivation of love, just smiling and moving on can be an incredibly gracious act, and can be freeing to us as singles as well. It’s not always our job to educate every person we come across about how best to talk to singles.

Model How You’d Like them to Talk to You

Often, one of the best responses is to reply to them with a statement you’d love to hear them say to you about your singleness. So if, on finding out you’re single, someone says “don’t worry, my friend just got married at 45, so there’s still time!” you can reply with, “Actually, I have an amazing life as a single person, for instance this week I got to visit my friends in LA…” This both gently changes the subject but also shows them there is a lot more to talk about with you than your relationship status. You can remind people that singleness has its positives, not just negatives, and they can rejoice with you in those aspects instead of merely pitying you for be unattached.

Gently Remind the Speaker of God’s Truths

When bad theology creeps its way into these conversations, this may be a battle worth gently pursuing. Some questions to ask yourself before doing this are: Is this the right time and place to address this? If we’re in a group, can I do this in a way that won’t mortify them? Am I angry, so should bite my tongue until I calm down, or can I do this lovingly? How can I make sure my words and tone are gentle, yet true? When your mature Christian friend who got married in her twenties says, “You just need to have faith that God will bring a man into your life at the right time!” you may gently remind her, that “Actually, I have faith that God is working in my life in the best way for me, and that he will complete his good work in me whether single or married” (Philippians 1:6). We can gently remind them that a spouse is not promised for everyone, but God has many other amazing promises for each of us which we can all rely on, married or single.  We can remind them of the benefits Paul sees in singleness and how Christ and most of the disciples were single. This approach is important, especially for people we know believe in the God of the Bible, because it will remind them to look to the Bible for their truth instead of the romantic ideologies of modern America which have seeped into church culture. This needn’t be a lecture, but a sentence or two to bring their encouragement back to the actual life-giving, perfect, beautiful promises of God can build up all who hear.

Privately and Lovingly Rebuke a Repeat Offender

For those who repeatedly bring up your singleness in a way that increases your pain, discourages you, or gives you false hope it might be time to have a private conversation. If you’ve already tried the above and someone just can’t seem to stop, then Matthew 18:15 is very helpful. It says “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Honestly, I’ve never had to go beyond this point, because this one is very powerful. It can even develop a closer relationship between you and your married friend. In a one-on-one conversation, let them know how their words affect you and how they can help lift you up instead. Again, do this with love and grace instead of blame and anger and it can be an incredibly beautiful bonding time in your relationship. Being open and honest about your struggles and how their words increase them instead of alleviate them will mostly likely open their eyes to things they didn’t realize they were doing. Telling them what they can say/do to actually help you can be empowering for them as a friend, because they now won’t have to search for words or actions in, what to them might be, an uncomfortable situation with which they are unfamiliar.

Embrace Teaching Opportunities in your Church

The last thing which I’ve found very helpful is for more single people to embrace leadership and teaching opportunities in the Christian community. Sadly, many churches don’t offer many to singles, so you might have to approach your pastors or elder board yourself with suggestions. Earlier this year, my Los Angeles church held an evening conference on singleness and we marketed it for both singles and marrieds. This was important, as I believe married people are actually the key to changing the way the modern evangelical church views singleness by how they raise their children. I was able to speak at the conference to both audiences at once, to singles, and marrieds, and this was a breakthrough moment for some of my married friends. Many of them had no idea how the words they used without much thought could affect the singles in their lives, or how saying “when you get married” instead of “if you get married” to their kids added an unbiblical expectation and pressure on them. In fact, some of the best feedback I got after that session was from married men and women. Churches need to give more opportunities for single adult men and women to have voices in the church so that it becomes normal – not something to be pitied or looked down upon. So, my encouragement to you is to seek these out, and if they don’t exist, talk to your church leadership teams about creating opportunities for singles to teach other adults.

I’m sure there are other ideas on how to best respond to our married friends when they address our singleness in unhelpful ways.

Singles, let me know what has worked for you in the past.

Marrieds, what do you think would be the most helpful way for us to respond?

Talking to Singles for Dummies

“Never say never!”
“You’re still young.”
“Don’t give up hope!”
“Don’t be so negative.”
“There’s someone for everyone.”
“Don’t worry, you still have time.”
“You should put yourself out there!”
“When the timing’s right, it’ll happen.”
“Must be nice to do whatever you want.”
“Are you praying for your future spouse?”
“You should open yourself up to the idea!”
“I have a friend who got married when she was in her 50’s!”
“Enjoy this season of your life, you’ll miss it when it’s gone.”
“When you’re married, you won’t be able to do this anymore.”
“When you get married (and have kids), then you’ll understand.”
“The moment you’re content being single, God will send someone.”
“Just trust God’s plan for you, he’ll send a spouse when you’re ready.”

Each Sunday, I brace myself for these words to be poured over my head like a blessing from well-meaning churchgoers. Each time I meet someone new at work or in social settings, I grit my teeth, knowing one of these phrases will probably follow the inevitable question of “Are you married?” and its frequent partner “Do you have kids?” My response of “No” seems to be an invitation for all sorts of fake encouragements, unfulfillable promises, empty hopes, exposed judgments, and subtle insults. Or there’s the awkward silence as their brains scramble to figure out what to say next.

I understand this, I don’t fit the usual script for a 39 year old Christian woman. They can’t easily move on to “how long have you been married? What does your husband do? How many kids? How old are they? Where do they go to school? etc.”  I require more thought, some creativity even. Married men and women without children go through this, as well as anyone else who doesn’t fit whatever mold is seen by their community as A Typical Christian/American/Grown Man or Woman. Words matter.

What’s happening with these stilted conversations, filled with phrases like those listed above, is a revelation of your heart, your values, and your biases, not mine. Rather than getting to know me before discussing how I might actually feel and think about my singleness, you’re assuming you already know. I might be incredibly happy about being single, or devastated. Your words in this moment could make me doubt my happiness or increase my grief. Wouldn’t you rather speak words to me that will encourage, bring joy, and invite a deeper relationship?

Words matter; they can lift up or crush, encourage or dismay, offer true hope or false promises, offer helpful insight or reinforce bad beliefs. God chose to speak to future generations through the written word of man, the act of divine creation occurs when God speaks it in words, and in John 1 Christ is referred to as the Word. Proverbs is filled with the importance of choosing our words carefully, of taming our tongues. Luke 6:45 states “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Words reveal what is in our hearts; words matter.

I realize this means the stereotypical small talk won’t cut it, and you’ll have to work a bit harder to actually converse. But shouldn’t we be trying to do that with everyone anyway?

Here are some tips on how to talk to a single person you’ve just met:

Read the Tone

Sarcasm is my love language. I like to joke and laugh. Sometimes I joke about my singleness, hilarious jokes in my mind. But more times than not I have been almost rebuked in these moments. When I’m trying to lighten the mood and make it less awkward for all of us, I’m often met with sincere concern, as if I just said I was dying or a drug addict. Please, read my tone. If I’m happy and laughing about my singleness, don’t turn it into a moment to remind me to trust God or not give up hope or some other shallow theological phrase that doesn’t belong. Saying I’m single is just a factual statement, not an invitation for a sermon. If the single person in question is joking, maybe the best bet is to laugh with them. On the other hand, just because I am currently happy being single, this doesn’t mean I always have been or that everyone else is, so keep the tone in mind and respond accordingly.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Until you get to know me,  you have no idea what singleness in my life is like. You don’t know if it’s by choice or by accident, through tragedy or just regular life occurrences, if it’s the best thing that ever happened to me or the worst, if I love it or hate it. Like most things with humans, it’s probably a very complex combination of some the above and more. Please do not heap all singles into one big box, thinking you know what we’re going through because you were single until the ripe old age of 27. Your experiences are not mine, and mine are not yours. Take the time to get to know me before you start talking about my singleness.

Check your Theology

Telling someone not to lose hope because they’re single is just bad theology. First, you’re assuming they are hopeless, which you can’t know at this point. Second, you’re telling them their hope should be found in another person which is just theologically wrong. Our hope is in Christ, nothing more or less; not that Christ will magically grant us all of our desires, but in Christ himself. By reaffirming the false promise that “God has someone for everyone,” you can only harm a single person. Soulmates aren’t promised in the Bible, guys. If you want to find terrible theology, Just run a Google Image search on “God has someone for you” and you’ll encounter platitude after platitude like the one above, ascribed to God, which are not biblical. You can either help singles continue to place their focus, dreams, and hearts on something that may or may not come true, stir up discontentment, confuse them about what promises are actually in the Bible, or just piss them off. If you tell a single person that they “just need to grow more mature, and more content in God, and then when they’re ready God will send a spouse,” you are lying to them. This is not a biblical statement, not a promise God makes, nor is it reality. There are a heck of a lot of messed up, discontent, immature married people, and many incredible single ones.  Nothing good comes from preaching bad theology, false promises, and incorrect priorities through easy, quick, thoughtless small talk.

Ask Thoughtful Questions

Since I’ve inadvertently removed the next few inane comments you usually say when meeting someone, what should you do once the “are you married?” receives a glaring “no”? Rather than following it with one of the above problematic comments or standing awkwardly silent, may I suggest asking some thoughtful questions? Let’s rule out asking why someone is single, because most of us don’t know. If you’re just meeting me, some better questions to ask are “what do you spend a lot of your time doing? What are some of your interests? Can you tell me a bit about your job? What have you been up to this week? Are you reading any good books or watching any great shows lately?” There are literally hundreds if not thousands of other questions to ask that don’t have anything to do with the lack of a spouse or children. This doesn’t mean singleness should be completely off the table, as it is a big part of our lives. However, maybe hold off on this topic until you’ve invested a little bit more time in getting to know me. As a friendship forms, if you’d like to be able to actually help me in regards to this aspect of my life, feel free to ask questions like “How do you feel about being single?” and “How can I be an encouragement in this area in your life?” I’d rather get a well meaning question about my singleness than a comment, even if it’s an awkward one. A question reveals an interest in the other person’s experience rather than a patronizing assumption. Questions can lead to actually getting to know each other.

Treat Us Like Adults

One of the most frustrating things about meeting new people as a singleton is being patronized by people younger than us. I realize I look a bit young for my age, but when you add singleness on top of it, I am constantly being patronized by men and women 10-20 years younger than me. This is annoying. My telling you I’m single is not opening up the door for you to school me on dating, married life, or parenthood. Maybe wait a bit to see if I actually want advice in any of these areas. Instead, why not treat me like the grown woman I am and have an adult conversation with me about topics of importance to our society today?

Switch out “When” for “If”

Growing up in the church, I heard “when you’re a wife” or “when you’re a mother” over and over again. Teenage girls are taught to pray and prepare for their future husbands. (Again, if you’d like a vomit-inducing picture of terrible theology, Google search “Praying for your future husband.”) Godly character traits were taught with the caveat “you’ll need this when you’re married” or “this will make you a better mom someday.” Little boys are taught they must be good, godly men so they can become good, godly husbands and fathers. There is some truth here, but not all truth. Yes, having godly character traits is important in being excellent husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. But I’d argue they’re pretty important in just being great humans in general, helping us glorify God in the workplace, at church, with roommates and friends, with our parents and siblings, in our art and ministry, and in our communities. Can we stop raising our kids with the final goal of wife/mother or husband/father but with a goal of glorifying God in all we do? Can we switch out the inevitable “when” for “if”? Let’s tell our girls and boys things like, “if you get married someday…” and “if you have kids…” instead of “when” so that when they grow up, if they don’t actually marry or have kids but are living awesome, God-glorifying lives, they won’t feel like they’re still doing something wrong. And when you meet singles, just leave off any statement that starts with “when you get married…” 

Don’t Underestimate the Depth of our Love

One assumption I’m constantly battling is that I somehow can’t understand love because I’m single. Seemingly benign statements like “I didn’t really know how selfish I was until I got married,” “The main thing God uses to sanctify us is our spouse,” or “I didn’t know real love until I had kids” and are actually quite insulting to those of us who aren’t married and don’t have children. The flip side says to us “you must be a very selfish, unsanctified person because you live with roommates or on your own, not with a spouse” and “because you don’t have kids, you can’t possibly know a love this deep or real.” In one phrase, you have just called me self-centered and relegated any love I have to second class. You cannot know how much God has used my roommates or times alone to help sanctify me, nor know the deep, beautiful, and sacrificial love I have for my family and my friends. You also assume all spouses are no longer childish, and all parents are just automatically imbued with a supernatural, deep, selfless love. I worked in social work and counseling for years so I know this is not the case. Some of the worst relationships I’ve seen have been marriages, and some of the most selfish people I have met were parents with more love for themselves than their children. Some of the most mature selfless people I know are single men and women who pour out their lives for their friends, families, and communities. There are also a lot of us out there who have “fallen in love” but are still single for one reason or another. Don’t underestimate us. Singleness can actually mature us and increase our capacity to love others, as we don’t have children and a spouse to take up our affections and can therefore look outward to our parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, friends, fellow Christians, and communities. Our hearts are often full to the brim with true, deep, beautiful love.

There are many other things to say on this topic, but I think this is enough for now. Please, just think before you speak. Words matter, affecting those who hear them. And for those of us who feel like we’re often seen as outside the normal expectations of what a Good Christian should be at this point in our lives, your words can help us feel like we’re part of the community instead of in the waiting room.

  • Singles, what are some more pet peeves about singleness that come up in small talk?
  • Marrieds, what are some of the questions/concerns you have about conversing with singles?

Check back next Monday for “Responding to Marrieds for Dummies” to see how we singletons can better respond to these awkward small talk moments with the marrieds we meet.

*If you are reading this via e-mail and are unable to see the gifs, please click through to the webpage, there are a lot in this one! 🙂

Top 5 Things I Love About Being Single

Last week I looked at the Top 5 Things I Hate About Being Single, so it’s time to explore what I love about the single life. The more I ponder this, I realize the things I currently love coincide well with what I hate about it. Instead of just giving me what I think I need or want, removing difficulties, and fulfilling my desires, God is giving me different gifts to fulfill my needs, using difficulties to grow me, and helping me prioritize my desires to recognize that his will truly is best. I have a long way to go before my mind and heart constantly dwell on this list rather than the previous one, but when I do, I realize that my single celibate life can actually be pretty sweet. Just as life can be tough for everyone no matter what state they find themselves in, it has joys and good gifts from the Lord as well, so here are my current favorite aspects of life in Episode VI as a single woman at the end of my 30’s.

1. Embracing My Own Team

I may not have been chosen by one other human being to be his lifelong teammate, but I have an epically awesome team in my life. And the fact that I’m not committed to a husband and possibly kids allows me to build closer relationships with the rest of my family and friends.

At the end of last January, I sat in the room I’d just moved into in my third Los Angeles apartment trying to catch my breath in the midst of some of the deepest grief I’d felt. I was now living with my 11th amazing roommate (not counting family) in the 16th residence (not counting study and travel abroad) of my life. And all I could see ahead of me was a lifetime of moves like this, from flat to flat, flatmate to flatmate, never having someone else help me carry the burden, always fighting through life alone. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I must’ve always thought I’d have a husband by this point, a more permanent roomie, so it hit me hard – panic, grief, anger, fear…all of it. The depressed, suicidal thoughts of my teenage years crept back into my mind, unbidden and unwelcome. I was crushed, exhausted, lost. I was much too focused on what I didn’t have to see what was right there in front of me – a family.

Whereas in the past I faced my depression alone, hiding it from the world, this time I shared it with my pastor, weeping in the counseling room as he listened. I visited my mum and cried on her shoulder. I told my sister that the dark thoughts were back. And it helped – they all helped. They listened and cried with me, held me, brainstormed ways to overcome these feelings, and challenged me to change my perspective. I was not alone. I did have a team – a very dedicated one.

Those dark couple of months last year spurred me on to view family differently – less traditionally, and hopefully more the way God views it. I felt so alone, but that feeling wasn’t trustworthy. The “American Dream” still thrives in the modern American church, forever including the husband/wife, 2.2 kids, house, and dog. But this isn’t necessarily God’s dream life for all of us, just as it wasn’t the goal of the disciples nor Christ himself. While he may not have provided spouses for all of us, he does provide us all with family.

So, the older I get, the more I embrace my rambling, internationally scattered, diverse family made up of old friends and new, of my mum, siblings, nephews, niece, and cousins, of pastors and biblical counselors, former flatmates and travel buddies. I no longer see these relationships as mere ministry opportunities for me to serve others, but as loving, complex, mutually challenging and beneficial bonds between people who love each other. I am not all on my own or insignificant – God has provided me with an entire family to help me try to glorify him and enjoy him forever.

Romans 12:4-5

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

2. Future Freedom

One of the most awesome things about being single is how much freedom it allows. I’ve never been that person who knew exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up. Other than wanting to help people, there was no specific dream occupation. Because I don’t have to worry about what a husband wants or my children need, I’ve been able to pursue a couple of different careers in my life, from social work to teaching, and to move so I could live close to these jobs and give my all to them.

When I was a high school English teacher, our school offered international trips each year and since I never had to worry about who would take care of my kids for 2 weeks, I got to go on more of these trips than most of my married coworkers. I had passport, could travel. I got to see the world through the eyes of dozens of teenagers, which was surprisingly moving. I got to serve them and care for them while they were far from home, and experience some of the most amazing countries on earth.

As in the past when I decided to go to grad school, move, quit my job to go to England for 3 months, or work 3 part time jobs I enjoy instead of 1 full time one I might hate – I currently have the freedom in my life to figure this out. I can spend focused time in prayer, get wise counsel from people I trust, delve into what the Bible has to say, and be free to walk the path I think God has for me without hesitation, not having to acquiesce to a spouse’s desires. Singleness does not mean we should be foolish and make selfish, careless decisions but it does give us a slightly more blank slate to work with.

When I think ahead to my future, I have no idea what it will look like. Other than my couple of months of panic last year and when future fears crop up now and again, I usually find this exciting. God can do what he pleases with my life – he can keep me in the desert with my family, or take me somewhere else. He can allow me to continue on as an elementary school librarian, which I adore, or he can lead me to a different job. He can open up doors for me to get into counseling ministry again or keep them shut. No matter what happens, it’s just between God and I, and that is beautiful and freeing. I can be anxious about the things of the Lord and not worry about having to please anyone else.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.

3. Gaining Space

The whole not having sex part of the celibate single life can suck, and as mentioned in the last post, it is difficult to live without the human connection of touch. Still, I’ve gotta say – having a room all to myself is one of the greatest things ever. I often think if I ever do marry I’d prefer to go Ricky and Lucy in it and have separate beds at least, if not separate bedrooms like the upper class gentry in all those period pieces I love to watch.

Growing up the fourth of five children in a family that at times was middle class and others was, well, just poor, I shared a room with my sister and sometimes our little brother too. Memories of sneaking out of my room after everyone else went to bed to raid the bookcases for the next classic I hadn’t yet read, of reading by flashlight or just laying there frustrated until tears came, an insomniac trying so hard to just sleep like everyone else still haunt me to this day. On family trips, I was often found at 2 or 3 in the morning sitting reading in the motel bathtub so as not to disturb the rest of the peacefully slumbering family. Even now, traveling with others or staying with friends can be difficult as I must take my night owlish ways into consideration. Just the sound of someone else’s breathing, let alone snoring, can make falling asleep that much more of an arduous task.

As a much younger single in college and just out of grad school, I always had to share a bedroom, so at this point in my single life having space to myself is a treasure. I can stay up as late as I like, lights on, reading away. I can light scented candles without worrying about someone else’s allergies. I can sit on my bed blogging quietly, or dance around like a maniac to the Hamilton soundtrack. And I have uninterrupted time to pray and worship, journal and read my Bible.

The older I get, the more free I feel to carve out some space for myself without feeling selfish. As an extroverted introvert at L’Abri Fellowship in England last year, I felt guilty for struggling so much in my dorm room with up to 8 other women and in a manor house with 40 other people. After being encouraged by my tutor to seek time where I could be alone – especially space for me to be alone with God, I was better able to serve those around me. I started waking up a bit earlier so I could have time to read,journal, and pray at the desk in the morning room while everyone else was getting ready after breakfast. On some of our days off I went into a neighboring town on my own to rest and recharge for the very social days ahead. Having my own room for the last couple of weeks allowed me to sleep – and it’s amazing how necessary that is for this whole life thing, especially when that includes reaching out to help others.

Yes, the desire for space can be a selfish one, but it can also be necessary and good. We were built for rest, with limitations, and different people rest in different ways. Some recharge when they’re around other people, and some of us need a bit of time between human interactions to refocus. Christ, even in the midst of his busy season of teaching and healing when people needed him and sought him out, made a habit of going off completely by himself to spend time in prayer to his father. While married people can often use moments alone too, it is a lot easier to find them when you’re single.

Luke 5:15

But now even more the report about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.

4. Justified Self-Confidence

As much as I hate constantly having to justify myself as a single woman who should be taken seriously, I do love the fact that I can be independent. After a couple of decades as a single adult, I’ve learned how to take care of myself. I can look back on years of having to make the tough decisions on my own and trust my judgement. I can look forward to the unknown future and have confidence that I am equipped to face it.

I’ve bought cars, rented apartments, researched phone plans, Googled how to fix laptop issues, and killed all my own bugs long enough now to have a level of confidence in my own abilities. I also know when something is beyond me and how to either get a friend to help or hire a professional. Instead of going to my husband when I have a concern or question, I have to ask myself what God would have me to do, look in his word, remember the wise teaching I’ve received throughout my life, trust my education, and have faith that God will lead me.

Because of my track record of being a relatively responsible independent adult, I embrace my autonomous decision making opportunities. As a woman who paid her own way through college, and life thereafter (with some help here and there, thank you mum!) I have become very good at budgeting. My singleness means I get to spend the money I earn the way I think the Lord wants me to, the way I want to, and I don’t have to worry about my husband not seeing eye to eye on this. I’ve had friends who marry men who are thoughtless with money, which causes their wives a lot of anxiety as they try to balance not being nags with being able to pay the bills. I know people who married others who didn’t grow up donating money to charity or giving to the church, so there are arguments about how much they help others. As a counselor, I’ve had many married women express deep concern about the stress caused by the differences in how money is used in their marriage. I just have to look at my list of necessary expenditures, make sure they’re covered, see if anything is left over, and wonder what God would have me do with it.

The same joy of being able to do what I think is best applies to how I use my time and skills as well. Singleness allows me to say yes to what I think God would have me say yes to, and no to the rest, without having to double check with a spouse. Singleness is never an excuse for selfishness or wasting what God has given us. To counteract this temptation, I have amassed quite a few friends and family members who are wise advisers and counselors, to whom I can turn for advice when needed and who will hold me accountable if I start to make foolish decisions.

Proverbs 4:5-13

Get wisdom; get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her, and she will guard you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. Prize her highly, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her. She will place on your head a graceful garland; she will bestow on you a beautiful crown. Hear my son, and accept my words, that the years of your life may be many. I have taught you the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness. When you walk, your step will not be hampered, and if you run, you will not stumble. Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life.

5. Being Grown and Loved

The last thing I love about being single is how much I have grown to rely on God. Not fitting into the typical view of what a Christian woman my age is expected to be makes me turn my eyes to God, wondering how he sees me. You might judge me or pity me, but since Christ’s death has covered my sin, God looks upon me with love and joy. I am not missing my other half, I am wholly his. Instead of judgement, there is grace; instead of pity, there is compassion.

Instead of focusing my future hopes upon the shaky possibility that I may one day marry, I can place all of my hopes, current and future, upon his unshakable promises. And so far I can confirm that he is, indeed, enough. As a woman who lost her father and never married, I feel especially cared for by my father in heaven. There have been moments when he was all I could cling to, and he sustained me just as he promised he would.

The best part of this point is that we can all experience it, whether married or single. God reveals his love to us and grows us in all of our circumstances. If you are married, he will use your marriage, if you are single, he will use your singleness. He will also use our jobs, families, friends, locations, hobbies, and even things like technology or the weather. God is using everything in our lives to reveal his endless love and grow us into his likeness.

Psalm 68:4-6a

Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the Lord; exult before him! Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity.

So, all in all, although there are some things I hate about the single life, it can be pretty spectacular if my eyes remain fixed on his.

Psalm 16:8

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Top 5 Things I Hate About Being Single

It’s time for the ubiquitous Top 5 lists – this week I’ll look at my top 5 reasons I hate being single, and next week I’ll explore the top 5 reasons for loving my singleness. I realize life has difficulties for everyone, single or married, widowed or divorced, for those who raise children and those who don’t. I’m not claiming life is more difficult for me than everyone else, just highlighting some specific things that I hate which stem particularly from me being single. Like most top 5 lists, this has changed throughout the different episodes of my life, so here are my current pet peeves in Episode VI as a single woman in my late 30’s.

1. Not Being Picked For a Team

PE was my least favorite period of the day. An energetic child often found at the top of a tree or the monkey bars, I loved being outside and constantly had scraped knees. Always adventurous, I was never athletic. I’m awkward, clumsy, and not very coordinated. So, like most nerdy kids, PE and little league were rather torturous for me. I remember the shame of being the last person chosen for softball practices, of having the coach just give up and assign a team so I wouldn’t be left out, of quitting after just one season because I was already so behind the rest of the kids. This feeling of insignificance, like somehow I missed out on what everyone else seemed to have, like I was irredeemably behind, still creeps up now and again.

No one worthy person wanted me for their team. Yes, there was the guy whose proposal I turned down, but he was not a good man, not a team you’d want to join. Other than that, somehow, I just never got picked. No matter how long your marriage lasts, at least a married person can look back and say “someone chose me to be their partner, someone wanted me.” The rest of us struggle to fight off the feelings of being left out, somehow unworthy of being desired as a teammate.

The most practical part of being on a team that I miss as a single person is having someone to help me shoulder life’s burdens. Financial, physical, emotional, and even spiritual burdens all lie squarely upon my shoulders. Yes, I have other family and friends who can lift a bit from time to time, but I don’t have that lifelong partner whose job it is to help me carry them for the long run. I hate that life is more expensive for single people. I hate that hotel rooms are cheaper if you get a queen or king bed instead of 2 doubles, family gym memberships give better deals than single ones, couples tickets to events will save individuals money over single tickets, and health insurance and tax rates are usually better for families. The statistics are rather disconcerting about how much a married person will save over a single person in their lifetime. Also, apparently, single people die younger, which is just a bit depressing – mostly, the experts think, because we don’t have that partner nagging us to go to the doctor when we’re sick so we just wait until it’s too late.

I’ve gotten better at speaking truth to myself when I feel this way, when these lies start to infuse my heart with doubt and sadness. The ever-present, whole, and beautiful love of God reminds me that I am chosen, was chosen before my frame was created, that I am wholly loved and adopted into God’s family.

Ephesians 1:3-6

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

2. Future Fears

Every human I’ve met has some sort of fear about the future. Because of my singleness, many of my fears are about facing the future alone. Yes, for married people they may fear their partner’s death or abandonment, but if things go as hoped, they will live long lives together and take care of each other for most of it. They are meant to have a permanent roommate. Even that hope isn’t there for me. I take care of myself now, and I will be taking care of myself for the foreseeable future. No one wants to burden anyone as they grow older, but one of the benefits of having a spouse and some kids is it’s kind of their job to take care of you. Or it should be. But for me, I guess my nephews and niece will have to step up for their spinster aunt as well as their own parents? I fear being a burden to those who never signed on for the job.

Each time a roommate moved or got married, I had to scramble to find a new one. Each time a close friend marries the love of his or her life, after I’ve genuinely celebrated with them, I grieve the loss of yet another close friendship that will never be the same. As friends have children, I rejoice in the wonderful new life and also steel myself for the inevitable loss I will experience from their now more limited time and attention. Yes, this may sound selfish, but it is the truth of what a single man or woman goes through over and over again.

As our dearest friends and family move on to new milestone after new milestone, we are thrilled and excited for them but also a little bit brokenhearted. We know the future will not just look different for them, but for our friendships as well, and there is real loss there for us as we are much too often left behind.

Anxiety about the future is universal, not just for singles, but there are specific concerns that come up without having our own families there to partner with us as we age together. But what this does is give me endless opportunities to put my trust in God instead of the fickle securities of this world.

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3. Missing Touch

Because I believe that God’s plan for our lives is the best plan, I truly believe that a life of god-glorifying singleness will include celibacy. And, to be honest, I often hate that part of the single life. I do think humans were created to experience intimacy through touch, that we are created physical beings with sexual desires to connect us to one another. Just because I am single does not make me a less sensuous individual. Yes, there are some singles who do not have sexual desires, but they are few and far between.

This is another thing it is easy to feel I’m missing out on. I even get judged for this, thought foolish or immature because I am not partaking in what some consider a necessary rite of passage into adulthood. I’m not going to go into celibacy in detail here, but please check out my blog post on the topic “Committing to Celibacy.”

Possibly more than sex itself, I’m missing out on touch, physical connection. Holding hands, hugs, snuggles, laying my head on someone’s shoulder. I’m not sure if people realize how much touch single people miss, especially in the culture of white America where we are more standoffish unless in a sexual relationship. I hate this part of singleness – it is very lonely. If you are in a relationship, think about the number of times a day you experience loving touch – the kiss on the forehead, brush of a finger against your hand, the arm around the back of your chair, the snuggles from your children, the quick hug goodbye on the way to work, the hand on your back as you laugh together. Singles can go days without this connection.

In moments when I am missing touch, I remind myself of how blessed I am to have a family around me to hold me when I need it. I have a mother who will let me cry on her shoulder, a sister and brothers who hug me, a little nephew and niece who climb all over me, friends who will hold and comfort me. I remind myself that Jesus often reached out to touch those he healed, and and that God is sometimes portrayed as a loving mother to his child Israel, physically nurturing – not distant and cold, but present and warm.

Isaiah 66:12-13

For thus says the Lord: “Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

4. Justifying Myself

From traveling alone to buying a car without a male present, from counseling a married mother to sitting in a job interview, I am constantly in a position where I must assert myself. When traveling, there are certain places, even countries, in which it’s actually dangerous for me to be without a male escort, and many others where it will be uncomfortable. The car dealer treats me like a little girl instead of a financially viable adult who knows exactly what I want and what it’s worth. The married counselee often begins by questioning my ability to help her because I’ve never been in her exact situation. The job interviewer may see me as an irresponsible flight risk because I don’t have a family to take care of.

Because I’ve experienced this repeatedly in my lifetime, I am well versed in defending my right to be taken seriously. I was a teacher, I speak with authority. I have a loud, commanding voice inherited from my father, which I must use because I have no other voice to back me up. If I were a man, this would be seen as a good thing – to be confident, strong, and bold. Since I am a woman, this is often seen as me being too loud, bossy, or pushy, especially in Christian circles. Yet, it is necessary for my life. I wouldn’t even be able to rent an apartment if I couldn’t boldly walk into the landlord’s office and declare that even though I look young, I am older than I appear and have excellent credit, so no, I don’t need a cosigner, and would they just run the credit check to confirm, please.

In Christian communities, my opinion is often even more unwelcome or overlooked. I find myself having to remind people that I have a degree in this or that, so many years of experience, knowledge and training and skills in this area, in order to be heard. There are entire Bible studies in which I would not be welcome to speak. I’m used to not getting clear answers from pastors and teachers regarding my role in the church because, as an unmarried woman, they can’t just tell me to be led by my husband. My father is dead, so I can’t report to him. I am an uncomfortable outlier.

Honestly, I just get tired. Tired of having to explain to wives and mothers that, no, I haven’t had kids, but I’ve been a teacher, a counselor, an aunt, and I worked at a pregnancy clinic so I do know a bit about the subject and I can actually help. Tired of saying “I’m older than I look” as men are shocked that I have some knowledge in a lot of areas. Tired of having to justify my thoughts, opinions, and ideas. Tired of not going places or doing things because I don’t have a man to go with me and it’s dangerous without one. Just tired. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone else advocate for me. Or to not have to stand up for myself at all. I am, just like you, created in God’s image. That should be enough to at least have a voice, shouldn’t it?

Genesis 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

5. Being Judged or Pitied

At this age, one of the first things people ask when they meet me is “are you married?” and then when the answer is no, somewhat more awkwardly, “oh, so…do you have kids then?” Seriously, the only other information they’ll have at this point is my name, and these are the very next questions. Even before the omnipresent “what do you do?” And in that moment, the moment I say “no,” the judgement and/or pity is usually inevitable.

When we’re single past the age of 25, people love to judge why. Like the WebMD aficionados who are addicted to deciphering illness, they see our singleness as something to be diagnosed and cured. They say things like, “you know, if you just lost a little weight” or “maybe men are threatened by you because of your education,” or “maybe you’re not putting yourself out there enough.” All these comments and worse every single has heard much too often. They think to themselves things like “there must be something wrong with her/him if they’re still single after all this time” or “no wonder they’re still single, they are too (enter your choice of negative trait here)” as if all married people have somehow figured out how not to have any unpleasant character traits.

Worse than the judgement are the pitying glances and unhelpful condescending encouragements. A couple months ago I spoke at a conference on singleness in which I discussed what the Bible says about it being a gift, and the struggles and the beauty to be found. Afterward, just like every time I speak on the subject, a woman who meant well came up to me and told me not to give up hope, that God has someone out there for me and I just haven’t met him yet. I hear this every single time I speak, and I find myself wondering if they were listening at all because they seem to have missed the point.

Being encouraged with unbiblical promises that someday my prince will come is a pet peeve. They don’t know this, God didn’t tell them this in His word, so why on earth would they say this to a single person? If singles are led to believe this, the least it can do is momentarily get someone’s false hopes up, the worst it can do is continue to build up a false idol of “the one” with which they may already be struggling. Help me firmly place my hope in the Lord, not on a future spouse who may or may not exist.

I am single. That’s it. It’s not a sin to be judged nor a weakness to be pitied. Single adults do not need condescension or sympathy – we need respect and compassion, genuine interest in getting to know us and understanding, grace and empathy, a willingness to listen and commitment to join with us in our lives, and most of all we need biblical encouragement, admonishment, friendship, and love. Just like everyone else.

Romans 15:4-7

For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomes you, for the glory of God.

Please like, share, and comment – I’d love to hear what some of the top things you hate about being single are! And be sure to come back next week for the “Top 5 Things I Love About Being Single.”

The One About Dating

At this point in my “What Do You Believe About Singleness” series based on the conference at which I spoke, I’m supposed to talk to you guys about dating. I’d rather gush about how brilliant “Wonder Woman” was, or rant about the latest Trump tweet; heck, I’d rather write about most things other than dating. However, it’s important in the life of the single person, so it’s important to me.

But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I don’t really date so I’m not an expert on this topic at all. To be fair, I like to think of my lack of dating life as something almost entirely out of my control. You see, I did date a tiny bit here and there when I was a younger, thinner, and an ever-so-slightly-more-optimistic 20-something, but even that was usually accidentally ending up dating a friend with whom I probably should’ve just stayed friends. I even experienced one incredibly awkward proposal which I declined (cold-hearted vixen that I was) because I didn’t trust him. Turns out my instincts were good and I frequently praise God for saving me from that potential disaster, but that’s another story.  And then I moved to Los Angeles and I only went on one date in almost a decade; my dating life was a desert. This is where people either *GASP* in shock or think, “well, at least you had some dates, I’ve never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend.”

This nonexistent dating life was unexpected, unplanned, and almost completely involuntary. I had a rather large group of friends that included dateable Christian guys, but it was totally platonic between all of us and ended in amazing friendships, most of which are still valuable to us today though many of those young men have since married. I tried various forms of online and app dating, only to be shunned by anyone remotely normal and approached only by 65 year old men with various levels of English looking for a Green Card Marriage (for real, guys) or easy sex. The one date I went on was with a nice-ish Christian man I met on Coffee Meets Bagel but he was deathly boring, it was so awkward, and there was zero chemistry so I decided I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than go on another date with him. And that was before he kissed me when I was belted into the seat in my car and couldn’t dodge it! Blech. Chemistry-less kisses are pretty horrible, especially when you can’t get away. I’ve never even been set up on a blind date because none of my friends has ever met maybe-possibly-the-perfect-geeky-Christian-guy-for-Fawn.

So the first thing I wish people out in the world knew about singles and dating is that some of just don’t seem to have that as an option. If I hear one more professor or older Christian say singles today “are just too picky” I might have to pull out my soap box and spiel. I suppose there might be that young woman out there who won’t give a wonderful Christian young man a chance just because he doesn’t fit some unrealistic standard she has of perfection, but I have yet to meet that young woman. I’m even guilty myself of judging some of my guy friends for not asking the young ladies in our church out, but instead dating women from other circles – but then I see who they chose to marry and am nothing but pleased with the women they eventually ended up with! So yes, I do think some people are possibly too picky, but I don’t think it’s the majority of us. It’s not like guys are begging to date me and I’m standing there like “No! I’m sorry! You’re not the Benedict Cumberbatch of my dreams!” Most of the adults I know are perfectly capable of telling the fantasy from reality and not expecting the former over the latter. Actually, the people I have met who had unrealistic expectations of a spouse are usually already married and quite possibly should have been more picky when dating.

Also, dating today when you are a committed Christian, celibate and passionate about Christ, is tough. Every article I read about creating a great online dating profile says not to limit by religion, that is the kiss of death for options. But for me, that was the most important thing in my life. Why would I talk about how I like to travel and eat gelato but leave out my savior? It just doesn’t make sense. We can also end up the wrong age, the wrong size, and the wrong personality for many “Christians,” apparently. And I’m good with that. I like my age, and size, and personality, but I do realize it’s not typical – I’m always way too liberal for conservative Christians and a bit too conservative for liberals.

So if you are single and don’t seem to get dates, realize that’s okay, and actually surprisingly normal. There are a lot of us out there. You then have a couple of options:

  1. You can mope and be sad about it (easy, but terrible option).
  2. You can embrace your singleness and seek contentment in it for the long run (hard, but awesome option).
  3. Or you can seek contentment in it but also keep trying to date (hard, but also awesome option).

If you decide you want to date, then my encouragement to you is to be picky. Only date Christians. Look for people you think could be interesting, good to talk to, to hang out with, but most of all who love Christ and are trying to grow in living godly lives. Trying is the key word here. No one is perfect, but if they are willing to grow and learn then that’s a great sign. One great thing to look for is if your potential date is active in their church. There are a lot of people out there who believe in God but don’t have an active faith. If being part of the body of Christ is important to you, then seek someone who has it as a priority as well.

Dating someone who doesn’t believe in God or believes in a different God is a seriously bad idea. If you love God more than anything else, then date someone else who at least has the potential to have that same love. I adore books, reading, and geeking out over literature – if a man says “I don’t like reading, I just don’t see the point” then that’s a turn-off for me. How much more so should I not be interested in a man who says “Yeah, I don’t really believe the whole God thing.”

As for online dating, only try it if you can do so and hold to a high standard and not let it consume you or depress you. Don’t allow dating apps to become the main priority in your life. Don’t allow them to take over your thought life. There are more important things to focus on. And be smart and safe.

For my married readers, please realize that some of us have little to no control over whether we date or not. If we have high standards for a godly partner we actually like and aren’t willing to just date random people who may or may not love our God the way we do and who we’d be miserable living with for the rest of our lives, then we honestly might not get asked on dates. It happens. We are not being too picky. It’s not like flocks of men and women are knocking on our doors and we’re turning them all away. A lot of people never get asked on dates, not for years.

If we view singleness as a gift just as marriage is a gift, then dating becomes less of a priority, there’s less pressure to find “the one.” Because if we meet a godly man or woman who we like and who likes us back, then great, we should date them and see if maybe the like can be love and if they are a worthy person to marry. And if the rest of us crush on people who don’t return it, or are asked out by creepy people only or no one at all, or are attracted to those who are bad for us, or aren’t really attracted to anyone, then we can just live awesome single lives. If our churches could move in this direction instead of the “everyone should be married by 25” model in which many of us were raised, then maybe churches could better support and encourage their singles in the ways they need it without the constant emphasis on dating and marriage.

So, rant over (for now). Please like, comment, and share. I’d love to know your thoughts, as there’s a lot more to say about this topic.