Archive for Christian Living

A Season of Joyful Lament

When I was little, this was the month school started, the nights became colder, and we celebrated my oldest brother’s and my mum’s birthdays. Now, school’s been in full swing since August, our cool nights compete with unseasonably hot days and wildfires, my brother and mum share their birth month with my precious nephew Benji, and all of this is tinged with the slightly nostalgic melancholy memory of those weeks 15 years ago as my dad lay dying. September.  

Perhaps I was always meant to be in education since shopping for school supplies was the highlight of my fall. Browsing through the aisles of not-yet-used pens, pencils, and notebooks filled me with a sense of euphoria. Nothing called to me quite like the neon designs of Trapper Keepers or Lisa Frank folders. We’d place new school clothes on layaway back when department stores were still a thing and there were no Targets or Walmarts, teaching us patience and the joy of delayed gratification as we had to wait a few weeks to wear our fresh duds.

This September found me frantically browsing Pinterest for bulletin board ideas and rejoicing in the small box of supplies the front office ordered for me – various types of special tape created just for books, post it notes, fall themed bookmarks, and other library necessities. Mum and I dug out our autumnal decorations from various boxes in the garage to fill the house with the semblance of fall even when it was still 109° outside.

I love fall. As someone who is constantly overheated, I embrace the time of year when our excessive Southern Californian heat gives way to cool breezes and crisp weather. Honestly, I should live in Seattle, London, or Edinburgh – somewhere the sun is not quite as prevalent as the middle of a desert in one of the sunniest states. Halloween is my favorite holiday, cinnamon apples my favorite scent, and hot toddies a favorite drink.

Yet this is the season in which my father died. Even now, 15 years later, those weeks in the hospital form some of my most vivid memories. Though I will never stop missing him, his absence has been assimilated into my existence, a normal part of who I am. As a woman who never married, he still remains the most influential man in my life.

So what to do with September? Two things: be okay with being a bit more sad this month and also celebrate as much as possible, giving thanks to God for both the joy and losses.

Grief is like a muscle memory, it often hits without thought, somehow present in the body before the brain and heart catch up. There are days I’ll wake up feeling wistful – melancholy, yearning for something but not knowing what, and then I’ll remember suddenly that it is September. My body remembers this month. So instead of fighting it, feeling confused or bad about still getting sad all these years later, I have learned to accept grief, to trust my body. There is a huge difference between wallowing and experiencing. I don’t allow myself to sit in my pain all day every day, dwelling on the hard memories or what I’ve lost – but I do allow myself to cry if I feel like crying, to remember him, to talk about him or just quietly acknowledge to myself that I have felt true loss.

I pray about this too, thanking God for giving us a good dad for as long as we had him. My family is well aware how rare and special he was. It’s an oddly beautiful thing to be able to pray with joy and deep grief at the same time, to thank God while tears slip down my face.

One of my favorite hymns expresses this dichotomy better than I can:

It Is Well with my Soul by Horatio G. Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed his own blood for my soul.
(Refrain)

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
my sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(Refrain)

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
if Jordan above me shall roll,
no pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
(Refrain)

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
the sky, not the grave, is our goal;
oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
(Refrain)

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain)

As Christians, we often focus on how we’re supposed to be filled with joy, as if smiling all the time will somehow bring those around us to fall in love with our God. The older I get, the more I appreciate the Christian’s call to lament. I can think of sermon after sermon that paint Christians as needing to have a positive attitude all the time, but can’t think of many I’ve heard on how we should also lament – mourn with God, cry out to him, let him see our pain and grief, let him be part of that.

There is deep beauty in simultaneously being grateful to God for what has happened in our lives while grieving what has happened, to be able to be sad,yet fine. Just as our country marks days to remember great men who helped form our ideals like George Washington and Martin Luther King, Jr., just as we build memorials and lower the flag to half mast on 9/11 and other such days of loss, it is important for us to allow these moments, days, even months of remembrance.

I know those who fear grief, who push it back and try to ignore or forget it with the mantra of moving on. I know others who cannot escape grief, who let it drown them, unable to function. There is this third option – that of trusting God in the midst of acknowledging our grief. To thank him while crying out to him. To turn our eyes to those God has placed in our path, loving and serving them, while still recognizing we are a little extra broken right now and we might need some space or more hugs or greater patience or a cup of tea. Or perhaps a trip to Disneyland to see the fall decorations.

And somehow after a couple particularly difficult years, September regained its seat as one of our favorite months. Autumn reigns once more as the best season. My family relearned how to celebrate the birthdays, the weather, the flavors and scents, the holidays, the changing leaves. Perhaps experiencing loss in this season is a bit easier, as fall represents the beautiful merging of life and death – harvest and the coming winter, leaves changing color to bright reds and yellows, then falling away for the year. Halloween and Dia de los Muertos bring the dead together with the living. Warm days merge with colder nights. It is the perfect time to be filled with joy and melancholy simultaneously. We don’t need to choose one or the other, we can dwell in both.

Saved by Beauty

Today, I am feeling the melancholy beauty that comes creeping in on a Saturday in Autumn, when the light coming in through my window is a bit dimmer, the air a bit cooler and bourbon butterscotch candle scented, and I can pretend I live somewhere with an actual fall.

Today, I am going through the two journals filled with scribbles and ramblings from my time at English L’Abri last year, looking for that one particular entry on truth, goodness, and beauty. Flipping through these pages brings out tears as I remember the magical Autumn-winter I got to spend in that manor house in the English countryside, trying to piece together my slightly broken life with the help of Christians from all over the world walking alongside me, debating, cooking, cleaning, praying, singing, arguing, discussing, and experiencing. Still broken, but learning to accept that, I look back at my notes from lectures, recordings, books, and sermons and feel such deep joy that it makes me cry. Beauty can do that, you know, make you cry.

You see, though I know my life has been a rather easy one by universal standards, I know what depression feels like. There have been two periods of time in my life when my depression was so deep and seemed so insurmountable that I wanted to end my life. High school was the first period, and a few years ago, another such period began. I am awestruck that God brought me through these times, that for the past few months I have awakened in the morning wanting to live, able to experience real joy again.

As someone who grew up in the church, was a leader in InterVarsity at university, got her Masters in Biblical Counseling, and who counsels others, I’ve studied truth and goodness my whole life. Yet knowing what is true and what is good isn’t always enough. My head is so full of facts, laws, right and wrong, justice, and the righteousness of God and yet somehow I lose sight of him still.

One of my favorite lectures from the listening library at L’Abri was entitled “Recovering Goodness, Beauty and Truth” by Andrew Fellows. This most important, most ancient of triads is the basis for most philosophy. Fellows’ final conclusion echoed that of Dostoyevsky who, in “The Idiot,” claimed “Beauty will save the world.” In a world that has twisted truth, goodness, and our perception of beauty into the unrecognizable, we must ask what is left. Fellows quotes Russian novelist and historian Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s bold response:

“And so perhaps that old trinity of Truth and Good and Beauty is not just the formal outworn formula it used to seem to us during our heady, materialistic youth. If the crests of these three trees join together, as the investigators and explorers used to affirm, and if the too obvious, too straight branches of Truth and Good are crushed or amputated and cannot reach the light – yet perhaps the whimsical, unpredictable, unexpected branches of Beauty will make their way through and soar up to that very place and in this way perform the work of all three.”

As much as my head knows what the Bible teaches, and my mind has been trained in the ways of goodness, this means nothing until my heart is able to comprehend it all. Beauty calls me to look more deeply at things, to search for the truth and good because I see its worth. Beauty awakens my soul and points to things beyond myself, beyond comprehension.

Sometimes when we grow up in the church we can forget just how beautiful God is, how lovely his creation which surrounds us, how magnificent each word spoken to us from heaven through his scriptures, how delightful each unique person, plant, and animal is. I spend lots of time thinking of what I should be doing, saying, or thinking that sometimes I forget to look up and see what he has done and what he has made us capable of.

Right now, in our broken world, suffering surrounds us. From hurricanes to earthquakes, racial hatred to vicious politics, floods to famine, poverty to greed I can get caught up in the truth that our world can be horrific and cruel. And yet there is still beauty; there are still people who sacrifice their own lives to rescue their neighbors, there is still music and art that reflects us and yet still lifts us up, there is the friend who texts when they think of you, there are two little boys of different races laughing loudly as they ride their bikes together on my street, and there is Autumn.

As I continue to seek truth and goodness, I must remember to also search out beauty. Instead of always trying to find the right answer, an impossible task, I must remember that there is beauty in the mystery of life, adventure in the ever-pondered and possibly never-answered questions. As Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” And as flawed as we are, I need to embrace the beauty which innately lives inside each person as people who bear the very image of God.

So this week I will light more fall scented candles, read wondrous books to my students, hug my family, eat delicious food, enjoy good art, and try to dwell on the beauty of my Lord and his everlasting love for me – something that just is, that I didn’t earn, and that I don’t have to work to keep.

Perhaps, after everything, beauty will indeed save the world. Or maybe it’ll just help save me today, which is enough.

*To find lectures by L’Abri such as the one mentioned above, you can go to the L’Abri Ideas Library or subscribe to the podcast English L’Abri by L’Abri Fellowship on iTunes.

Responding to Marrieds for Dummies

Welcome to Part 2 of my “for Dummies” series. This is a response to last week’s blog post Talking to Singles for Dummies. Go on, read that first, I’ll wait.

Okay, so now that you’ve read about how married people should talk to singles, let’s look at how singles should respond to the mostly well-meaning married people in our lives who just don’t know how to talk to us about our singleness. We have a few options:

Get Annoyed, Offended, or Hurt

Although this is not the best option, sometimes it just happens. For the fifth time today, someone tells you to “buck up because it’s not too late, you may still find a husband or wife” and you can no longer contain your eye roll or exaggerated sigh. I get it. We deal with this constantly and, as flawed human beings, we can’t always respond with patience and grace as much as we may like to. In these moments, I think it is important to ask ourselves if the person talking to us is trying to hurt us, or trying to help us. I guess there are probably some vindictive people out there who would say such things in order to rub in the fact that we’re single or to make themselves look better, but honestly I can’t think of anyone in my life who most likely had that motivation. Everyone I know who awkwardly stumbles through platitudes and cliche phrases about my singleness is doing so because they are trying to encourage me, make me feel better. They may do it very badly indeed, and actually make me feel worse in the process, but that was not their original intent. Remembering this can help, remembering they are saying these things out of love. I might still be annoyed, but hopefully will be able to stave off being offended or hurt.

Ignore the Statement

One way to respond to these unfortunate statements about our singleness is not to respond at all. Sometimes it’s best to just move on to a different topic and act like the person said nothing rather than delve into the issue. This is part of picking your battles. The older I get, the more I realize that many battles are just not worth fighting. I used to struggle with the meaning of 1 Peter 4:8 which says “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” As someone who thinks honesty and forgiveness are key to reconciliation, I used to think most sins needed to be aired. But when offense is given accidentally, and even more so out of a motivation of love, just smiling and moving on can be an incredibly gracious act, and can be freeing to us as singles as well. It’s not always our job to educate every person we come across about how best to talk to singles.

Model How You’d Like them to Talk to You

Often, one of the best responses is to reply to them with a statement you’d love to hear them say to you about your singleness. So if, on finding out you’re single, someone says “don’t worry, my friend just got married at 45, so there’s still time!” you can reply with, “Actually, I have an amazing life as a single person, for instance this week I got to visit my friends in LA…” This both gently changes the subject but also shows them there is a lot more to talk about with you than your relationship status. You can remind people that singleness has its positives, not just negatives, and they can rejoice with you in those aspects instead of merely pitying you for be unattached.

Gently Remind the Speaker of God’s Truths

When bad theology creeps its way into these conversations, this may be a battle worth gently pursuing. Some questions to ask yourself before doing this are: Is this the right time and place to address this? If we’re in a group, can I do this in a way that won’t mortify them? Am I angry, so should bite my tongue until I calm down, or can I do this lovingly? How can I make sure my words and tone are gentle, yet true? When your mature Christian friend who got married in her twenties says, “You just need to have faith that God will bring a man into your life at the right time!” you may gently remind her, that “Actually, I have faith that God is working in my life in the best way for me, and that he will complete his good work in me whether single or married” (Philippians 1:6). We can gently remind them that a spouse is not promised for everyone, but God has many other amazing promises for each of us which we can all rely on, married or single.  We can remind them of the benefits Paul sees in singleness and how Christ and most of the disciples were single. This approach is important, especially for people we know believe in the God of the Bible, because it will remind them to look to the Bible for their truth instead of the romantic ideologies of modern America which have seeped into church culture. This needn’t be a lecture, but a sentence or two to bring their encouragement back to the actual life-giving, perfect, beautiful promises of God can build up all who hear.

Privately and Lovingly Rebuke a Repeat Offender

For those who repeatedly bring up your singleness in a way that increases your pain, discourages you, or gives you false hope it might be time to have a private conversation. If you’ve already tried the above and someone just can’t seem to stop, then Matthew 18:15 is very helpful. It says “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Honestly, I’ve never had to go beyond this point, because this one is very powerful. It can even develop a closer relationship between you and your married friend. In a one-on-one conversation, let them know how their words affect you and how they can help lift you up instead. Again, do this with love and grace instead of blame and anger and it can be an incredibly beautiful bonding time in your relationship. Being open and honest about your struggles and how their words increase them instead of alleviate them will mostly likely open their eyes to things they didn’t realize they were doing. Telling them what they can say/do to actually help you can be empowering for them as a friend, because they now won’t have to search for words or actions in, what to them might be, an uncomfortable situation with which they are unfamiliar.

Embrace Teaching Opportunities in your Church

The last thing which I’ve found very helpful is for more single people to embrace leadership and teaching opportunities in the Christian community. Sadly, many churches don’t offer many to singles, so you might have to approach your pastors or elder board yourself with suggestions. Earlier this year, my Los Angeles church held an evening conference on singleness and we marketed it for both singles and marrieds. This was important, as I believe married people are actually the key to changing the way the modern evangelical church views singleness by how they raise their children. I was able to speak at the conference to both audiences at once, to singles, and marrieds, and this was a breakthrough moment for some of my married friends. Many of them had no idea how the words they used without much thought could affect the singles in their lives, or how saying “when you get married” instead of “if you get married” to their kids added an unbiblical expectation and pressure on them. In fact, some of the best feedback I got after that session was from married men and women. Churches need to give more opportunities for single adult men and women to have voices in the church so that it becomes normal – not something to be pitied or looked down upon. So, my encouragement to you is to seek these out, and if they don’t exist, talk to your church leadership teams about creating opportunities for singles to teach other adults.

I’m sure there are other ideas on how to best respond to our married friends when they address our singleness in unhelpful ways.

Singles, let me know what has worked for you in the past.

Marrieds, what do you think would be the most helpful way for us to respond?

Talking to Singles for Dummies

“Never say never!”
“You’re still young.”
“Don’t give up hope!”
“Don’t be so negative.”
“There’s someone for everyone.”
“Don’t worry, you still have time.”
“You should put yourself out there!”
“When the timing’s right, it’ll happen.”
“Must be nice to do whatever you want.”
“Are you praying for your future spouse?”
“You should open yourself up to the idea!”
“I have a friend who got married when she was in her 50’s!”
“Enjoy this season of your life, you’ll miss it when it’s gone.”
“When you’re married, you won’t be able to do this anymore.”
“When you get married (and have kids), then you’ll understand.”
“The moment you’re content being single, God will send someone.”
“Just trust God’s plan for you, he’ll send a spouse when you’re ready.”

Each Sunday, I brace myself for these words to be poured over my head like a blessing from well-meaning churchgoers. Each time I meet someone new at work or in social settings, I grit my teeth, knowing one of these phrases will probably follow the inevitable question of “Are you married?” and its frequent partner “Do you have kids?” My response of “No” seems to be an invitation for all sorts of fake encouragements, unfulfillable promises, empty hopes, exposed judgments, and subtle insults. Or there’s the awkward silence as their brains scramble to figure out what to say next.

I understand this, I don’t fit the usual script for a 39 year old Christian woman. They can’t easily move on to “how long have you been married? What does your husband do? How many kids? How old are they? Where do they go to school? etc.”  I require more thought, some creativity even. Married men and women without children go through this, as well as anyone else who doesn’t fit whatever mold is seen by their community as A Typical Christian/American/Grown Man or Woman. Words matter.

What’s happening with these stilted conversations, filled with phrases like those listed above, is a revelation of your heart, your values, and your biases, not mine. Rather than getting to know me before discussing how I might actually feel and think about my singleness, you’re assuming you already know. I might be incredibly happy about being single, or devastated. Your words in this moment could make me doubt my happiness or increase my grief. Wouldn’t you rather speak words to me that will encourage, bring joy, and invite a deeper relationship?

Words matter; they can lift up or crush, encourage or dismay, offer true hope or false promises, offer helpful insight or reinforce bad beliefs. God chose to speak to future generations through the written word of man, the act of divine creation occurs when God speaks it in words, and in John 1 Christ is referred to as the Word. Proverbs is filled with the importance of choosing our words carefully, of taming our tongues. Luke 6:45 states “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Words reveal what is in our hearts; words matter.

I realize this means the stereotypical small talk won’t cut it, and you’ll have to work a bit harder to actually converse. But shouldn’t we be trying to do that with everyone anyway?

Here are some tips on how to talk to a single person you’ve just met:

Read the Tone

Sarcasm is my love language. I like to joke and laugh. Sometimes I joke about my singleness, hilarious jokes in my mind. But more times than not I have been almost rebuked in these moments. When I’m trying to lighten the mood and make it less awkward for all of us, I’m often met with sincere concern, as if I just said I was dying or a drug addict. Please, read my tone. If I’m happy and laughing about my singleness, don’t turn it into a moment to remind me to trust God or not give up hope or some other shallow theological phrase that doesn’t belong. Saying I’m single is just a factual statement, not an invitation for a sermon. If the single person in question is joking, maybe the best bet is to laugh with them. On the other hand, just because I am currently happy being single, this doesn’t mean I always have been or that everyone else is, so keep the tone in mind and respond accordingly.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Until you get to know me,  you have no idea what singleness in my life is like. You don’t know if it’s by choice or by accident, through tragedy or just regular life occurrences, if it’s the best thing that ever happened to me or the worst, if I love it or hate it. Like most things with humans, it’s probably a very complex combination of some the above and more. Please do not heap all singles into one big box, thinking you know what we’re going through because you were single until the ripe old age of 27. Your experiences are not mine, and mine are not yours. Take the time to get to know me before you start talking about my singleness.

Check your Theology

Telling someone not to lose hope because they’re single is just bad theology. First, you’re assuming they are hopeless, which you can’t know at this point. Second, you’re telling them their hope should be found in another person which is just theologically wrong. Our hope is in Christ, nothing more or less; not that Christ will magically grant us all of our desires, but in Christ himself. By reaffirming the false promise that “God has someone for everyone,” you can only harm a single person. Soulmates aren’t promised in the Bible, guys. If you want to find terrible theology, Just run a Google Image search on “God has someone for you” and you’ll encounter platitude after platitude like the one above, ascribed to God, which are not biblical. You can either help singles continue to place their focus, dreams, and hearts on something that may or may not come true, stir up discontentment, confuse them about what promises are actually in the Bible, or just piss them off. If you tell a single person that they “just need to grow more mature, and more content in God, and then when they’re ready God will send a spouse,” you are lying to them. This is not a biblical statement, not a promise God makes, nor is it reality. There are a heck of a lot of messed up, discontent, immature married people, and many incredible single ones.  Nothing good comes from preaching bad theology, false promises, and incorrect priorities through easy, quick, thoughtless small talk.

Ask Thoughtful Questions

Since I’ve inadvertently removed the next few inane comments you usually say when meeting someone, what should you do once the “are you married?” receives a glaring “no”? Rather than following it with one of the above problematic comments or standing awkwardly silent, may I suggest asking some thoughtful questions? Let’s rule out asking why someone is single, because most of us don’t know. If you’re just meeting me, some better questions to ask are “what do you spend a lot of your time doing? What are some of your interests? Can you tell me a bit about your job? What have you been up to this week? Are you reading any good books or watching any great shows lately?” There are literally hundreds if not thousands of other questions to ask that don’t have anything to do with the lack of a spouse or children. This doesn’t mean singleness should be completely off the table, as it is a big part of our lives. However, maybe hold off on this topic until you’ve invested a little bit more time in getting to know me. As a friendship forms, if you’d like to be able to actually help me in regards to this aspect of my life, feel free to ask questions like “How do you feel about being single?” and “How can I be an encouragement in this area in your life?” I’d rather get a well meaning question about my singleness than a comment, even if it’s an awkward one. A question reveals an interest in the other person’s experience rather than a patronizing assumption. Questions can lead to actually getting to know each other.

Treat Us Like Adults

One of the most frustrating things about meeting new people as a singleton is being patronized by people younger than us. I realize I look a bit young for my age, but when you add singleness on top of it, I am constantly being patronized by men and women 10-20 years younger than me. This is annoying. My telling you I’m single is not opening up the door for you to school me on dating, married life, or parenthood. Maybe wait a bit to see if I actually want advice in any of these areas. Instead, why not treat me like the grown woman I am and have an adult conversation with me about topics of importance to our society today?

Switch out “When” for “If”

Growing up in the church, I heard “when you’re a wife” or “when you’re a mother” over and over again. Teenage girls are taught to pray and prepare for their future husbands. (Again, if you’d like a vomit-inducing picture of terrible theology, Google search “Praying for your future husband.”) Godly character traits were taught with the caveat “you’ll need this when you’re married” or “this will make you a better mom someday.” Little boys are taught they must be good, godly men so they can become good, godly husbands and fathers. There is some truth here, but not all truth. Yes, having godly character traits is important in being excellent husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. But I’d argue they’re pretty important in just being great humans in general, helping us glorify God in the workplace, at church, with roommates and friends, with our parents and siblings, in our art and ministry, and in our communities. Can we stop raising our kids with the final goal of wife/mother or husband/father but with a goal of glorifying God in all we do? Can we switch out the inevitable “when” for “if”? Let’s tell our girls and boys things like, “if you get married someday…” and “if you have kids…” instead of “when” so that when they grow up, if they don’t actually marry or have kids but are living awesome, God-glorifying lives, they won’t feel like they’re still doing something wrong. And when you meet singles, just leave off any statement that starts with “when you get married…” 

Don’t Underestimate the Depth of our Love

One assumption I’m constantly battling is that I somehow can’t understand love because I’m single. Seemingly benign statements like “I didn’t really know how selfish I was until I got married,” “The main thing God uses to sanctify us is our spouse,” or “I didn’t know real love until I had kids” and are actually quite insulting to those of us who aren’t married and don’t have children. The flip side says to us “you must be a very selfish, unsanctified person because you live with roommates or on your own, not with a spouse” and “because you don’t have kids, you can’t possibly know a love this deep or real.” In one phrase, you have just called me self-centered and relegated any love I have to second class. You cannot know how much God has used my roommates or times alone to help sanctify me, nor know the deep, beautiful, and sacrificial love I have for my family and my friends. You also assume all spouses are no longer childish, and all parents are just automatically imbued with a supernatural, deep, selfless love. I worked in social work and counseling for years so I know this is not the case. Some of the worst relationships I’ve seen have been marriages, and some of the most selfish people I have met were parents with more love for themselves than their children. Some of the most mature selfless people I know are single men and women who pour out their lives for their friends, families, and communities. There are also a lot of us out there who have “fallen in love” but are still single for one reason or another. Don’t underestimate us. Singleness can actually mature us and increase our capacity to love others, as we don’t have children and a spouse to take up our affections and can therefore look outward to our parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, friends, fellow Christians, and communities. Our hearts are often full to the brim with true, deep, beautiful love.

There are many other things to say on this topic, but I think this is enough for now. Please, just think before you speak. Words matter, affecting those who hear them. And for those of us who feel like we’re often seen as outside the normal expectations of what a Good Christian should be at this point in our lives, your words can help us feel like we’re part of the community instead of in the waiting room.

  • Singles, what are some more pet peeves about singleness that come up in small talk?
  • Marrieds, what are some of the questions/concerns you have about conversing with singles?

Check back next Monday for “Responding to Marrieds for Dummies” to see how we singletons can better respond to these awkward small talk moments with the marrieds we meet.

*If you are reading this via e-mail and are unable to see the gifs, please click through to the webpage, there are a lot in this one! 🙂

When the World Expects Too Much

I decided to take last week off blogging since it was the first week of school. Always a hectic time, it was particularly insane this year as I was opening a school library for my first time ever, getting out consumables (workbooks) for every kid in the school (4-7 books per kid for over 1,100 students), and I had to do it all on my own as my partner had transferred to a different school and they haven’t replaced her yet. I’m trying to give myself permission to say no to things more often, but it’s still a struggle.

The thing is that I care . . . a lot . . . about a lot of things. I care about my students and teachers. I care about my family. I care about my friends. I care about my community, especially the poor and underrepresented, the voiceless and the weak. I care about my fellow Christians. I care about my country and my world.

But it’s just not enough.

As much as I tried, I didn’t have time for a kind word to each and every one of my students, many who really needed to be seen and appreciated in the first week of school. Even though I worked for hours and hours on the schedule, I still made a mistake and was unable to accommodate a couple of the teachers right away. Even though I prayed for energy, endurance, and patience I still complained more than I should have, still struggled not to cry at the end of a rough Friday. Even though I wanted to spend time with my brother and his son, I sat out their zoo trip on Saturday and stayed home instead because I felt like a giant walking bruise. Even though I followed the news all weekend and posted condemnation of the racist violence of the alt-right and the equivocating weak rhetoric of our president, I couldn’t actually make anything better. Even though I wanted to try hard to get to know people at my old/new church, I felt closed off and defensive Sunday morning at a church which seemed to act like nothing had happened, like America hadn’t just experienced horrible sin and violence.

It’s just not enough. I’m just not enough.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much our modern world demands of us and how much we demand of ourselves because of these expectations. As work got more and more stressful this week, I thought of every single person I know and realized not one of them has a job which is not frequently stressful. This brought up the question, are all jobs stressful? Is it a requirement to our survival (financial, physical) to be constantly stressed out?

Since Genesis 3 promises post-Fall humanity pain, sweat, and toil just for us to be able to eat, I suppose the answer to this is a resounding “Yes!” Which I find utterly depressing. I get that we can find rest in the Lord and all that, I even wrote a previous blog entry about that sort of thing, but some days I just can’t figure out how to practically do that in this difficult world of ours.

When I think about what the world expects of me and what I expect of myself, the only logical response seems to be feeling overwhelmed. Let’s break this down.

Expectations of the Awkward Spinster:

As a 39 year old, educated, Master’s degree carrying single adult woman

  • I should be doing quite well in my career by now.
  • I should be earning a decent wage with a retirement fund, savings account, and health insurance.
  • I should be either finished or almost finished with paying off my school loans and car.
  • I should be a leader or mentor at work at this point, helping newer younger coworkers find their way.
  • I shouldn’t just be writing a blog, but should be also working on my book and speaking career to go along with it.
  • I should have close relationships with the women in my church and be a vital part of a weekly Bible Study as well as my biweekly global prayer group.
  • I should be an involved aunt, a role model to my little loves, a reliable help to their parents.
  • I should be a helpful daughter to my mother financially, physically, and emotionally.
  • I should be a mature Christian woman who reads her Bible and has a significant time of prayer every day, memorizes scripture, journals, and processes it all.
  • I should somehow be both strong and meek, quiet and confident, submissive and yet a teacher.
  • I should be a dedicated biblical counselor, helping my church to set up a counseling training program, mentoring newer counselors, while counseling as many people as I can for free.
  • I should be active in my community, helping those in need with donations, volunteering, etc.
  • I should be an involved friend to those who’ve poured into me throughout my life, keeping up with them by writing e-mails, letters, text messages, social media comments, inviting them over, and talking to them on the phone.
  • I should be an involved member of the human race by keeping up with the news, being aware of what’s going on, and finding ways to help.
  • I should continue to be a passionate advocate for my former students and clients, encouraging them as they go off to college and careers and families, letting them know they are still loved and supported.
  • I should be an expert in my fields, keeping up with the latest in literature, writing, education, and biblical counseling.
  • I should be creative, writing poetry and journaling, blogging, and creating.
  • I should be a student of the world by traveling each year.
  • I should be a patron of the arts and news, things that matter to me and the world.
  • I should help around the house with cooking, cleaning, & maintenance. 
  • I should support my friends in the mission field through letters, prayer, and finances.
  • I should visit my friends and family out of state at least once a year.
  • I should spend time with my friends in LA by visiting once a month at least, and yet still be able to make new friends in my current town and invest in them too.
  • I should be a good doggy mamma and take him for walks and to the park.
  • I should keep up my geek cred by watching the latest Marvel or DC movies, reading the latest comic books, and going to a convention or two.
  • I should try online dating again and be open to possibilities.
  • I should lose weight, eat healthy, go to my doctor, and exercise daily.
  • I should march against white supremacy, protest the cruel regime shaping America today, stand up for the little guy.
  • I should, I should, I should . . .

This list never ends. I’m sure if you make a list for yourself, it will be just as long and overwhelming. Now, many of these expectations come from the world around me, what people expect of me, while some of them are what I expect of myself. It’s hard to parse through this list and separate them as many are intrinsically linked; I expect things of myself because I think others expect them of me.

It’s too much.

Wonder Woman #15 art by Terry & Rachel Dodson, story by Gail Simone

After a weekend like this one, when I wish I could just chuck everything else and go be a freedom fighter for a few months, I don’t even know where to start.

Which things are the most important of all? I am a finite human and cannot do everything. So where do I begin? In Mark 12:28-31, a scribe approaches Jesus and asks him,

“Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Since many, if not most, of the things on my list of “shoulds” are related to trying to love God and love others, I’m still struggling my way through these top two commandments. The practical application of theology is rarely straightforward. This is not one of those blogs where I post a question and then answer it at the end. I’m still scratching my way to the surface on this one, still overwhelmed, still confused. Just thought I’d put this out there because I’m pretty sure there are a lot of us in this predicament.

So, if you’ve got any answers for me, please comment away. In the meantime, I’ll be looking through this list of mine trying to figure out where these expectations come from, which ones really matter, and which ones take priority. Prayers, encouragement, British chocolate, and scotch are appreciated along the way!

That Auntie Life

Sunday night I sat at a posh Los Angeles restaurant with two of my best friends, single men, who took me out for a belated birthday meal. We met early at the restaurant bar for an hour of pre-dinner drinks and catching up, then enjoyed 2 hours of a multi-course meal. Uninterrupted by children or spouses, we were able to discuss whatever we liked, laugh, encourage, and brainstorm together. In my 20’s and early 30’s, nights like this were common, but they are increasingly more rare these days.

One of my friends brought up how awesome their new Bible study group is, but how it would be even nicer if they weren’t the only single people in it. I’m a bit older than them, so I broke the news that, the longer we’re in the church, the older we get, the less likely it is that we will actually be able to have other singles in our church circles who are anywhere close to our age. The choice seems to become either you hang out with young single 20-somethings forever, jump up to the older single widows and widowers in their 60’s and over, or you just have to get comfortable with being the token single in your group of people your age.

It’s an interesting conundrum, the desire to be with those who are like us. I don’t really fit into any category as the vast majority of the people I went to college with are now married with multiple children, or at least a house and some dogs. Most singles I meet in the church are at least a decade or two younger than me or several decades older. I treasure my relationships with both these groups, but am not quite one of either. Right now, since I’m trying out a church after my move, I often hear “well, there are a couple other singles in the group, but they’re in their 20’s,” or “everyone in the group is married with kids, well, except for that one widow in her 80’s.”

So what can we singles in the middle do? I’ve found great joy and success in embracing The Auntie Life. I no longer seek a Bible study with mostly singles, but look for one with lots of different types of people; different ages, life stages, genders, races, outlooks, etc. Then, even if I am the only or one of the only singles in the group, I can just be another different voice among many. If there are younger singles, I can mentor them, if there are older couples, they can give me wise counsel, if there are parents with kids, I can be another support to them in the hard task of raising kids and they can bless me with their friendship.

Before my Sunday oh-so-urban-LA dinner with my guys, I had spent the entire week embracing my role as Auntie. My oldest brother and his two boys came for their annual week at grandma’s. And, since I now live with her, I was there for the entirety. It’s actually the longest sustained amount of time I’ve ever spent with my nephews. To be honest, I was nervous – worried that I’d tire out or not get along with the teen and preteen guys. But after a week with them, I adore them even more than I did before and wish I could spend even more time with them. My little loves, the 3+ year old nephew and niece that live nearby, were also around most of the week and it was such a joy to see them bonding as cousins.

Saturday, my sister and I took her little daughter, my niece, to the California Science Center to meet up with her beloved college roommate, a mutual friend of ours. She too is single, just a year older than I, but she took the time to drive out to a kid-friendly spot just so she could meet her friend’s little girl. Like me, she has grown to love the Auntie Life and build it into her life.

I realize that my life is a bit more flexible than my married friends’, especially once kids enter the picture. So instead of letting those relationships drop off or waiting until they stretch themselves to go out with me one on one, I’ve been trying to fit myself into their lives. If I wait for the one-on-one happy hour drink, it might just never happen – instead, I can just meet them at Chik-fil-A where the kids can get nuggets and play in the playground, and I can catch up with their mum or dad.

Yes, it’s chaotic and loud and interrupted, but it’s also fun and real. I can drive two hours to go to a dear friend’s daughter’s second birthday party – after all, I was there at the hospital the day she was born, trying to nap in the waiting room with my roommate as we awaited her arrival. I can meet friends at children’s museums, parks, and libraries instead of our favorite sushi spot. Or, better yet, I can bring our favorite sushi to their house to savor as their kids show me their latest drawings and toys.

Yes, this is complicated and messy, and it’s not as easy as it used to be when we were all 25 and single. But unless I want to spend my life hanging out with 25 year old singles with whom I have even less in common, and honestly, with whom I no longer have the desire or ability to keep up, I need to help my mostly married with kids friends incorporate me into their lives.

I have a godson and whatever the protestant equivalent is of a goddaughter, 3 nephews and 1 niece, 3 children of my childhood best friend, 2 of my sister’s childhood best friend, and 1 of a dear friend in LA who all call me Auntie Fawn, not to mention all the other amazing children of friends and fellow church-goers. Hanging out with these kids isn’t a compromise or burden for me, just so I can see their parents – it’s a joy and honor. My life is better for having them in it. It can be exhausting and sometimes I have to take a moment for an attitude check before driving over to see them, but it’s always worth it. Always.

So, instead of being saddened or even a bit bitter about not having as many singles around us as we’d like, a diminishing number year after year, I challenge you to embrace the Auntie or Uncle Life. It’s pretty awesome – you can reach out to the married friends and family around you and minister to them, you can be an incredible influence on their kids as they grow up, and you can experience the love that comes from being a part of their extended family.

And yes, when you do get the opportunity to go out to dinner with other singles anywhere close to your age, or your friends who are parents can get a babysitter for once, jump on it. These grown up moments alone are rare blessings and should also be celebrated.

Teach Us to Number Our Days

From before I was born until I was out of college, my mother made scrapbooks filled with photos of all the major and sometimes more minor events of the year. In her lovely calligraphy, surrounded by stickers, she began most of these tomes with Psalm 90:12: “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

This week, I turned 39, entering the last year of my 30’s. Many single men and women I know panic at this point, ashamed of how old they are, refusing to reveal their age, downplaying birthdays, and sometimes even experiencing bouts of anxiety and depression around this annual date. They see the end of their 30’s as a closing door on hopes of marriage, family, and whatever other milestone they think they should have accomplished by now. For a celibate single Christian woman, these ages do have biological significance as the likelihood of us being able to have our own healthy biological children decreases with each year. And we get to that point in our lives when every time we meet up with friends we’re comparing medical issues and talking about how tired we are.

And yet, I still love birthdays, they may be my favorite thing to celebrate, my favorite kind of party. Not a fan of baby or wedding showers (those games are seriously torturous, you guys), and a firm believer that some weddings are just way too awkward and long (and if I hear one more horrible toast about how “relieved they were that the bride FINALLY found her man and now maybe they’ll get grandchildren” I might smack someone), my extroverted introvert self can look forward to celebrating birthdays with minimal to no dread.

Psalm 90:12-17 gives us part of a prayer of Moses which influences how I see marking a new year in each of our lives.

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

I grew up with this refrain ringing in my head, maybe that’s why I’ve always loved birthdays no matter how old we all get. Each year I wear the new number like a badge of honor. I survived another year. God has granted me another year. I have learned more about life and myself and God in this year. I pray that my heart has grown more wise this year. My dream is that I’ll just get better with age, like a fine wine, or Maggie Smith.

“Return, O Lord! How long? Have pity on your servants!”

Yes, the past year of my life has included some incredibly tough things as well as joyous ones. So even in the midst of celebrating another year of life, I do still desire the Lord’s return – more for our stricken planet than just  me alone. I grow weary of this world and the sin in it, affecting all of us from the little ones to the oldest of my loves. I have lost people that meant something to me. I grieve the state of our nation, its attitudes toward the poor, weak, and broken. Rejoicing in another year of life does not mean we have to ignore or forget the hardships we’ve had in that same year. As much as I celebrate another year of life, I do long for the redemption of the earth and God’s children.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.”

I can rejoice and be glad no matter what has happened in my last year because my satisfaction comes from God’s steadfast love above all things. The unchanging, eternal love of my heavenly father is where I seek my contentment, and out of this spills joy and celebration.

“Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil.”

In the hardest years, the ones filled with more loss and pain than others, only God can make us glad to celebrate more days. If you read Psalm 90 in its entirety, you’ll see that it actually starts by comparing our limited time to God’s eternity and emphasizes God’s anger and wrath at the sin of man. It’s actually a pretty pessimistic prayer, which might be why it appeals to my cynical realist heart. As much as I am grieved by the sin of the world, my own included, God sees all of it and is angered, and he will bring it to justice. And yet, Moses prays for God to “make us glad” for all of these days and years! We are meant to be both heartbroken over the sin of the world, and joyous for each and every day of our lives. I think only God can give us that joy.

“Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children.”

How can we be glad for more days in which there might be suffering and evil? By seeing what God is doing. Each year, we can look back and remember God’s work in our lives and those of our friends. We can see his power and mercy, his love and beauty. This is why birthdays excite me so, I can look back and see God’s presence in my life over an entire year! There is so much for which to give thanks even in the toughest of years. And, if we are having trouble seeing this, like Moses we can pray that God’s work and glorious power be shown to us, that we may celebrate.

“Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!”

My favorite birthday wishes end in blessings, and that’s how Moses ends this Psalm. He prays for God’s favor to be upon us. He prays for everything we have worked hard for to last. I love this. Each new year of my life, I hope for the favor of the Lord to fall upon me and those I love, and I hope that the things that mattered, the work I put into my relationships, my jobs, and trying to help those around me, I hope it endures.

My birthday wish this year is for all of you to be able to celebrate your lives and the lives of those around you. May the favor of the Lord be upon you, and may the work of your hands be established.

Top 5 Things I Love About Being Single

Last week I looked at the Top 5 Things I Hate About Being Single, so it’s time to explore what I love about the single life. The more I ponder this, I realize the things I currently love coincide well with what I hate about it. Instead of just giving me what I think I need or want, removing difficulties, and fulfilling my desires, God is giving me different gifts to fulfill my needs, using difficulties to grow me, and helping me prioritize my desires to recognize that his will truly is best. I have a long way to go before my mind and heart constantly dwell on this list rather than the previous one, but when I do, I realize that my single celibate life can actually be pretty sweet. Just as life can be tough for everyone no matter what state they find themselves in, it has joys and good gifts from the Lord as well, so here are my current favorite aspects of life in Episode VI as a single woman at the end of my 30’s.

1. Embracing My Own Team

I may not have been chosen by one other human being to be his lifelong teammate, but I have an epically awesome team in my life. And the fact that I’m not committed to a husband and possibly kids allows me to build closer relationships with the rest of my family and friends.

At the end of last January, I sat in the room I’d just moved into in my third Los Angeles apartment trying to catch my breath in the midst of some of the deepest grief I’d felt. I was now living with my 11th amazing roommate (not counting family) in the 16th residence (not counting study and travel abroad) of my life. And all I could see ahead of me was a lifetime of moves like this, from flat to flat, flatmate to flatmate, never having someone else help me carry the burden, always fighting through life alone. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I must’ve always thought I’d have a husband by this point, a more permanent roomie, so it hit me hard – panic, grief, anger, fear…all of it. The depressed, suicidal thoughts of my teenage years crept back into my mind, unbidden and unwelcome. I was crushed, exhausted, lost. I was much too focused on what I didn’t have to see what was right there in front of me – a family.

Whereas in the past I faced my depression alone, hiding it from the world, this time I shared it with my pastor, weeping in the counseling room as he listened. I visited my mum and cried on her shoulder. I told my sister that the dark thoughts were back. And it helped – they all helped. They listened and cried with me, held me, brainstormed ways to overcome these feelings, and challenged me to change my perspective. I was not alone. I did have a team – a very dedicated one.

Those dark couple of months last year spurred me on to view family differently – less traditionally, and hopefully more the way God views it. I felt so alone, but that feeling wasn’t trustworthy. The “American Dream” still thrives in the modern American church, forever including the husband/wife, 2.2 kids, house, and dog. But this isn’t necessarily God’s dream life for all of us, just as it wasn’t the goal of the disciples nor Christ himself. While he may not have provided spouses for all of us, he does provide us all with family.

So, the older I get, the more I embrace my rambling, internationally scattered, diverse family made up of old friends and new, of my mum, siblings, nephews, niece, and cousins, of pastors and biblical counselors, former flatmates and travel buddies. I no longer see these relationships as mere ministry opportunities for me to serve others, but as loving, complex, mutually challenging and beneficial bonds between people who love each other. I am not all on my own or insignificant – God has provided me with an entire family to help me try to glorify him and enjoy him forever.

Romans 12:4-5

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

2. Future Freedom

One of the most awesome things about being single is how much freedom it allows. I’ve never been that person who knew exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up. Other than wanting to help people, there was no specific dream occupation. Because I don’t have to worry about what a husband wants or my children need, I’ve been able to pursue a couple of different careers in my life, from social work to teaching, and to move so I could live close to these jobs and give my all to them.

When I was a high school English teacher, our school offered international trips each year and since I never had to worry about who would take care of my kids for 2 weeks, I got to go on more of these trips than most of my married coworkers. I had passport, could travel. I got to see the world through the eyes of dozens of teenagers, which was surprisingly moving. I got to serve them and care for them while they were far from home, and experience some of the most amazing countries on earth.

As in the past when I decided to go to grad school, move, quit my job to go to England for 3 months, or work 3 part time jobs I enjoy instead of 1 full time one I might hate – I currently have the freedom in my life to figure this out. I can spend focused time in prayer, get wise counsel from people I trust, delve into what the Bible has to say, and be free to walk the path I think God has for me without hesitation, not having to acquiesce to a spouse’s desires. Singleness does not mean we should be foolish and make selfish, careless decisions but it does give us a slightly more blank slate to work with.

When I think ahead to my future, I have no idea what it will look like. Other than my couple of months of panic last year and when future fears crop up now and again, I usually find this exciting. God can do what he pleases with my life – he can keep me in the desert with my family, or take me somewhere else. He can allow me to continue on as an elementary school librarian, which I adore, or he can lead me to a different job. He can open up doors for me to get into counseling ministry again or keep them shut. No matter what happens, it’s just between God and I, and that is beautiful and freeing. I can be anxious about the things of the Lord and not worry about having to please anyone else.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.

3. Gaining Space

The whole not having sex part of the celibate single life can suck, and as mentioned in the last post, it is difficult to live without the human connection of touch. Still, I’ve gotta say – having a room all to myself is one of the greatest things ever. I often think if I ever do marry I’d prefer to go Ricky and Lucy in it and have separate beds at least, if not separate bedrooms like the upper class gentry in all those period pieces I love to watch.

Growing up the fourth of five children in a family that at times was middle class and others was, well, just poor, I shared a room with my sister and sometimes our little brother too. Memories of sneaking out of my room after everyone else went to bed to raid the bookcases for the next classic I hadn’t yet read, of reading by flashlight or just laying there frustrated until tears came, an insomniac trying so hard to just sleep like everyone else still haunt me to this day. On family trips, I was often found at 2 or 3 in the morning sitting reading in the motel bathtub so as not to disturb the rest of the peacefully slumbering family. Even now, traveling with others or staying with friends can be difficult as I must take my night owlish ways into consideration. Just the sound of someone else’s breathing, let alone snoring, can make falling asleep that much more of an arduous task.

As a much younger single in college and just out of grad school, I always had to share a bedroom, so at this point in my single life having space to myself is a treasure. I can stay up as late as I like, lights on, reading away. I can light scented candles without worrying about someone else’s allergies. I can sit on my bed blogging quietly, or dance around like a maniac to the Hamilton soundtrack. And I have uninterrupted time to pray and worship, journal and read my Bible.

The older I get, the more free I feel to carve out some space for myself without feeling selfish. As an extroverted introvert at L’Abri Fellowship in England last year, I felt guilty for struggling so much in my dorm room with up to 8 other women and in a manor house with 40 other people. After being encouraged by my tutor to seek time where I could be alone – especially space for me to be alone with God, I was better able to serve those around me. I started waking up a bit earlier so I could have time to read,journal, and pray at the desk in the morning room while everyone else was getting ready after breakfast. On some of our days off I went into a neighboring town on my own to rest and recharge for the very social days ahead. Having my own room for the last couple of weeks allowed me to sleep – and it’s amazing how necessary that is for this whole life thing, especially when that includes reaching out to help others.

Yes, the desire for space can be a selfish one, but it can also be necessary and good. We were built for rest, with limitations, and different people rest in different ways. Some recharge when they’re around other people, and some of us need a bit of time between human interactions to refocus. Christ, even in the midst of his busy season of teaching and healing when people needed him and sought him out, made a habit of going off completely by himself to spend time in prayer to his father. While married people can often use moments alone too, it is a lot easier to find them when you’re single.

Luke 5:15

But now even more the report about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.

4. Justified Self-Confidence

As much as I hate constantly having to justify myself as a single woman who should be taken seriously, I do love the fact that I can be independent. After a couple of decades as a single adult, I’ve learned how to take care of myself. I can look back on years of having to make the tough decisions on my own and trust my judgement. I can look forward to the unknown future and have confidence that I am equipped to face it.

I’ve bought cars, rented apartments, researched phone plans, Googled how to fix laptop issues, and killed all my own bugs long enough now to have a level of confidence in my own abilities. I also know when something is beyond me and how to either get a friend to help or hire a professional. Instead of going to my husband when I have a concern or question, I have to ask myself what God would have me to do, look in his word, remember the wise teaching I’ve received throughout my life, trust my education, and have faith that God will lead me.

Because of my track record of being a relatively responsible independent adult, I embrace my autonomous decision making opportunities. As a woman who paid her own way through college, and life thereafter (with some help here and there, thank you mum!) I have become very good at budgeting. My singleness means I get to spend the money I earn the way I think the Lord wants me to, the way I want to, and I don’t have to worry about my husband not seeing eye to eye on this. I’ve had friends who marry men who are thoughtless with money, which causes their wives a lot of anxiety as they try to balance not being nags with being able to pay the bills. I know people who married others who didn’t grow up donating money to charity or giving to the church, so there are arguments about how much they help others. As a counselor, I’ve had many married women express deep concern about the stress caused by the differences in how money is used in their marriage. I just have to look at my list of necessary expenditures, make sure they’re covered, see if anything is left over, and wonder what God would have me do with it.

The same joy of being able to do what I think is best applies to how I use my time and skills as well. Singleness allows me to say yes to what I think God would have me say yes to, and no to the rest, without having to double check with a spouse. Singleness is never an excuse for selfishness or wasting what God has given us. To counteract this temptation, I have amassed quite a few friends and family members who are wise advisers and counselors, to whom I can turn for advice when needed and who will hold me accountable if I start to make foolish decisions.

Proverbs 4:5-13

Get wisdom; get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her, and she will guard you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. Prize her highly, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her. She will place on your head a graceful garland; she will bestow on you a beautiful crown. Hear my son, and accept my words, that the years of your life may be many. I have taught you the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness. When you walk, your step will not be hampered, and if you run, you will not stumble. Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life.

5. Being Grown and Loved

The last thing I love about being single is how much I have grown to rely on God. Not fitting into the typical view of what a Christian woman my age is expected to be makes me turn my eyes to God, wondering how he sees me. You might judge me or pity me, but since Christ’s death has covered my sin, God looks upon me with love and joy. I am not missing my other half, I am wholly his. Instead of judgement, there is grace; instead of pity, there is compassion.

Instead of focusing my future hopes upon the shaky possibility that I may one day marry, I can place all of my hopes, current and future, upon his unshakable promises. And so far I can confirm that he is, indeed, enough. As a woman who lost her father and never married, I feel especially cared for by my father in heaven. There have been moments when he was all I could cling to, and he sustained me just as he promised he would.

The best part of this point is that we can all experience it, whether married or single. God reveals his love to us and grows us in all of our circumstances. If you are married, he will use your marriage, if you are single, he will use your singleness. He will also use our jobs, families, friends, locations, hobbies, and even things like technology or the weather. God is using everything in our lives to reveal his endless love and grow us into his likeness.

Psalm 68:4-6a

Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the Lord; exult before him! Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity.

So, all in all, although there are some things I hate about the single life, it can be pretty spectacular if my eyes remain fixed on his.

Psalm 16:8

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Top 5 Things I Hate About Being Single

It’s time for the ubiquitous Top 5 lists – this week I’ll look at my top 5 reasons I hate being single, and next week I’ll explore the top 5 reasons for loving my singleness. I realize life has difficulties for everyone, single or married, widowed or divorced, for those who raise children and those who don’t. I’m not claiming life is more difficult for me than everyone else, just highlighting some specific things that I hate which stem particularly from me being single. Like most top 5 lists, this has changed throughout the different episodes of my life, so here are my current pet peeves in Episode VI as a single woman in my late 30’s.

1. Not Being Picked For a Team

PE was my least favorite period of the day. An energetic child often found at the top of a tree or the monkey bars, I loved being outside and constantly had scraped knees. Always adventurous, I was never athletic. I’m awkward, clumsy, and not very coordinated. So, like most nerdy kids, PE and little league were rather torturous for me. I remember the shame of being the last person chosen for softball practices, of having the coach just give up and assign a team so I wouldn’t be left out, of quitting after just one season because I was already so behind the rest of the kids. This feeling of insignificance, like somehow I missed out on what everyone else seemed to have, like I was irredeemably behind, still creeps up now and again.

No one worthy person wanted me for their team. Yes, there was the guy whose proposal I turned down, but he was not a good man, not a team you’d want to join. Other than that, somehow, I just never got picked. No matter how long your marriage lasts, at least a married person can look back and say “someone chose me to be their partner, someone wanted me.” The rest of us struggle to fight off the feelings of being left out, somehow unworthy of being desired as a teammate.

The most practical part of being on a team that I miss as a single person is having someone to help me shoulder life’s burdens. Financial, physical, emotional, and even spiritual burdens all lie squarely upon my shoulders. Yes, I have other family and friends who can lift a bit from time to time, but I don’t have that lifelong partner whose job it is to help me carry them for the long run. I hate that life is more expensive for single people. I hate that hotel rooms are cheaper if you get a queen or king bed instead of 2 doubles, family gym memberships give better deals than single ones, couples tickets to events will save individuals money over single tickets, and health insurance and tax rates are usually better for families. The statistics are rather disconcerting about how much a married person will save over a single person in their lifetime. Also, apparently, single people die younger, which is just a bit depressing – mostly, the experts think, because we don’t have that partner nagging us to go to the doctor when we’re sick so we just wait until it’s too late.

I’ve gotten better at speaking truth to myself when I feel this way, when these lies start to infuse my heart with doubt and sadness. The ever-present, whole, and beautiful love of God reminds me that I am chosen, was chosen before my frame was created, that I am wholly loved and adopted into God’s family.

Ephesians 1:3-6

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

2. Future Fears

Every human I’ve met has some sort of fear about the future. Because of my singleness, many of my fears are about facing the future alone. Yes, for married people they may fear their partner’s death or abandonment, but if things go as hoped, they will live long lives together and take care of each other for most of it. They are meant to have a permanent roommate. Even that hope isn’t there for me. I take care of myself now, and I will be taking care of myself for the foreseeable future. No one wants to burden anyone as they grow older, but one of the benefits of having a spouse and some kids is it’s kind of their job to take care of you. Or it should be. But for me, I guess my nephews and niece will have to step up for their spinster aunt as well as their own parents? I fear being a burden to those who never signed on for the job.

Each time a roommate moved or got married, I had to scramble to find a new one. Each time a close friend marries the love of his or her life, after I’ve genuinely celebrated with them, I grieve the loss of yet another close friendship that will never be the same. As friends have children, I rejoice in the wonderful new life and also steel myself for the inevitable loss I will experience from their now more limited time and attention. Yes, this may sound selfish, but it is the truth of what a single man or woman goes through over and over again.

As our dearest friends and family move on to new milestone after new milestone, we are thrilled and excited for them but also a little bit brokenhearted. We know the future will not just look different for them, but for our friendships as well, and there is real loss there for us as we are much too often left behind.

Anxiety about the future is universal, not just for singles, but there are specific concerns that come up without having our own families there to partner with us as we age together. But what this does is give me endless opportunities to put my trust in God instead of the fickle securities of this world.

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3. Missing Touch

Because I believe that God’s plan for our lives is the best plan, I truly believe that a life of god-glorifying singleness will include celibacy. And, to be honest, I often hate that part of the single life. I do think humans were created to experience intimacy through touch, that we are created physical beings with sexual desires to connect us to one another. Just because I am single does not make me a less sensuous individual. Yes, there are some singles who do not have sexual desires, but they are few and far between.

This is another thing it is easy to feel I’m missing out on. I even get judged for this, thought foolish or immature because I am not partaking in what some consider a necessary rite of passage into adulthood. I’m not going to go into celibacy in detail here, but please check out my blog post on the topic “Committing to Celibacy.”

Possibly more than sex itself, I’m missing out on touch, physical connection. Holding hands, hugs, snuggles, laying my head on someone’s shoulder. I’m not sure if people realize how much touch single people miss, especially in the culture of white America where we are more standoffish unless in a sexual relationship. I hate this part of singleness – it is very lonely. If you are in a relationship, think about the number of times a day you experience loving touch – the kiss on the forehead, brush of a finger against your hand, the arm around the back of your chair, the snuggles from your children, the quick hug goodbye on the way to work, the hand on your back as you laugh together. Singles can go days without this connection.

In moments when I am missing touch, I remind myself of how blessed I am to have a family around me to hold me when I need it. I have a mother who will let me cry on her shoulder, a sister and brothers who hug me, a little nephew and niece who climb all over me, friends who will hold and comfort me. I remind myself that Jesus often reached out to touch those he healed, and and that God is sometimes portrayed as a loving mother to his child Israel, physically nurturing – not distant and cold, but present and warm.

Isaiah 66:12-13

For thus says the Lord: “Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

4. Justifying Myself

From traveling alone to buying a car without a male present, from counseling a married mother to sitting in a job interview, I am constantly in a position where I must assert myself. When traveling, there are certain places, even countries, in which it’s actually dangerous for me to be without a male escort, and many others where it will be uncomfortable. The car dealer treats me like a little girl instead of a financially viable adult who knows exactly what I want and what it’s worth. The married counselee often begins by questioning my ability to help her because I’ve never been in her exact situation. The job interviewer may see me as an irresponsible flight risk because I don’t have a family to take care of.

Because I’ve experienced this repeatedly in my lifetime, I am well versed in defending my right to be taken seriously. I was a teacher, I speak with authority. I have a loud, commanding voice inherited from my father, which I must use because I have no other voice to back me up. If I were a man, this would be seen as a good thing – to be confident, strong, and bold. Since I am a woman, this is often seen as me being too loud, bossy, or pushy, especially in Christian circles. Yet, it is necessary for my life. I wouldn’t even be able to rent an apartment if I couldn’t boldly walk into the landlord’s office and declare that even though I look young, I am older than I appear and have excellent credit, so no, I don’t need a cosigner, and would they just run the credit check to confirm, please.

In Christian communities, my opinion is often even more unwelcome or overlooked. I find myself having to remind people that I have a degree in this or that, so many years of experience, knowledge and training and skills in this area, in order to be heard. There are entire Bible studies in which I would not be welcome to speak. I’m used to not getting clear answers from pastors and teachers regarding my role in the church because, as an unmarried woman, they can’t just tell me to be led by my husband. My father is dead, so I can’t report to him. I am an uncomfortable outlier.

Honestly, I just get tired. Tired of having to explain to wives and mothers that, no, I haven’t had kids, but I’ve been a teacher, a counselor, an aunt, and I worked at a pregnancy clinic so I do know a bit about the subject and I can actually help. Tired of saying “I’m older than I look” as men are shocked that I have some knowledge in a lot of areas. Tired of having to justify my thoughts, opinions, and ideas. Tired of not going places or doing things because I don’t have a man to go with me and it’s dangerous without one. Just tired. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone else advocate for me. Or to not have to stand up for myself at all. I am, just like you, created in God’s image. That should be enough to at least have a voice, shouldn’t it?

Genesis 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

5. Being Judged or Pitied

At this age, one of the first things people ask when they meet me is “are you married?” and then when the answer is no, somewhat more awkwardly, “oh, so…do you have kids then?” Seriously, the only other information they’ll have at this point is my name, and these are the very next questions. Even before the omnipresent “what do you do?” And in that moment, the moment I say “no,” the judgement and/or pity is usually inevitable.

When we’re single past the age of 25, people love to judge why. Like the WebMD aficionados who are addicted to deciphering illness, they see our singleness as something to be diagnosed and cured. They say things like, “you know, if you just lost a little weight” or “maybe men are threatened by you because of your education,” or “maybe you’re not putting yourself out there enough.” All these comments and worse every single has heard much too often. They think to themselves things like “there must be something wrong with her/him if they’re still single after all this time” or “no wonder they’re still single, they are too (enter your choice of negative trait here)” as if all married people have somehow figured out how not to have any unpleasant character traits.

Worse than the judgement are the pitying glances and unhelpful condescending encouragements. A couple months ago I spoke at a conference on singleness in which I discussed what the Bible says about it being a gift, and the struggles and the beauty to be found. Afterward, just like every time I speak on the subject, a woman who meant well came up to me and told me not to give up hope, that God has someone out there for me and I just haven’t met him yet. I hear this every single time I speak, and I find myself wondering if they were listening at all because they seem to have missed the point.

Being encouraged with unbiblical promises that someday my prince will come is a pet peeve. They don’t know this, God didn’t tell them this in His word, so why on earth would they say this to a single person? If singles are led to believe this, the least it can do is momentarily get someone’s false hopes up, the worst it can do is continue to build up a false idol of “the one” with which they may already be struggling. Help me firmly place my hope in the Lord, not on a future spouse who may or may not exist.

I am single. That’s it. It’s not a sin to be judged nor a weakness to be pitied. Single adults do not need condescension or sympathy – we need respect and compassion, genuine interest in getting to know us and understanding, grace and empathy, a willingness to listen and commitment to join with us in our lives, and most of all we need biblical encouragement, admonishment, friendship, and love. Just like everyone else.

Romans 15:4-7

For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomes you, for the glory of God.

Please like, share, and comment – I’d love to hear what some of the top things you hate about being single are! And be sure to come back next week for the “Top 5 Things I Love About Being Single.”

Find Your Family

One of the prevailing tropes of science fiction is the pain of being the only one of your kind, or worse, the last of your kind. A species unto oneself, they are often alienated, lonely, independent and strange. From ET, the stranded little alien who just wants to get back to his planet, to the Doctor, the last of the Time Lords, we are shown the grief and loss of being completely alone. Both of these creatures struggle on their own, not only with loneliness, but with understanding their surroundings, their purpose, and being able to find joy. Like ET, we need a friend to help us find our home, and like the Doctor, we need companions to keep us sane and hold us accountable to being our best selves.

In Genesis, God looked upon his creation and it was good . . . well, all except one thing. When he looked at man, he said “it is not good that the man should be alone,” and in that moment God created family (Genesis 2:18). Notice, it doesn’t say it was not good for man to not have sex, or not have a wife, or not have kids – the problem is that man should not be alone. We are created for family, for community.

So what are we single folks to do? When I first moved to LA, I didn’t know a soul in my area. Sure, my actual biological family was just a couple hours away, but I wasn’t living my life with them daily. I got a tiny studio apartment by myself and dedicated almost every moment of my life to my job. After some time of this, I realized it wasn’t enough. The Bible is full of these imperatives, these things that help us live a good, joyous, godly life – and almost every single one of these includes the phrase “one another.” I realized it was kinda hard to do anything for one another if there was just me. Yes, I had my students to reach out to, but I didn’t have many people to reach back. I had to find my family in Los Angeles, so I sought out closer relationships with my fellow teachers, and committed to a local church. These people became my family for the last decade, and even though I’ve moved, I still consider them family.

In my final installment of the “What Do You Believe About Singleness” series, it’s time to redefine family. Often we think of ourselves as alone, and when singles look ahead to the future, this can be quite daunting. The “what ifs” come to mind, making us freak out at times. “What if I never get married? What if I never get to raise kids? What if I have to keep finding roommate after roommate for the rest of my life? What if I die alone?”

As Bridget Jones so eloquently put it, “I suddenly realised that unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine…and I’d finally die, fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half-eaten by alsatians. Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.” Thoughts like these can take over until we stop and remind ourselves that we are not actually alone. If we are Christians, we are part of the family of God. Ephesians 2:19-22 says:

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

The question then is are we taking advantage of the fact that we are part of this family, or are we trying to lone wolf it? Just like any family, being part of this one can be hard and it takes work, but it’s so worth it.

Here are some ideas to help us get more involved in the family of God:

  • Join a Bible study, community group, Sunday School, or whatever random thing your church calls small groups, and go as often as you can, even when you don’t particularly want to.
  • Pray for the people in your church.
  • Push yourself outside of your comfort zone by reaching out to people of different ages and different life stages. Try to befriend other singles and married couples, people with kids and people without, the couple that’s been married for 60 years and the recent widow, the pastors, parishioners, and the quiet guy in the back corner.
  • Ask for help when you need it. Be humble and realize you don’t have to do everything on your own. Ask people for all kinds of help from loading up your moving van to helping you eat the dozens of scones you baked, from quizzing you as you prep for the Bar Exam to helping you cheer on the LA Kings the next time they make it to the playoffs.
  • As you get to know people, invite them over, even when things aren’t perfect and you don’t have snacks. Walk to Subway together. Order pizza. Actually set a day for it. Everyone is busy, so don’t just say, “hey, we should hang out,” but try to put an actual date and time in your phones.
  • And for your married friends with kids, invite yourself over to their house – it’s probably easier to just show up with some bread and a bottle of wine some Wednesday night than for them to pack up the family and squeeze into your tiny apartment kitchen. Be polite, say “hey, I’d love to come hang out with the family sometime soon. What are a few dates in the next 2-3 weeks that would work for you?” Then go and hang out with the whole family, kids and parents alike.
  • Find a family or two to adopt you, people who see you as more than just a babysitter, but rather someone who adds to their family, and someone they’d like to pour into. Seek people who can take care of you and who will allow you to help take care of them. This is where being an aunt, uncle, or godparent is awesome, even if it’s not by blood. Every person should have kids in their lives – even single ones.
  • Be honest with yourself, with God, and with your friends – ask for help when you need it, weep with them when you need to, laugh with them as much as you can. Ask questions. Listen well. Learn to love and be loved.

You may need to redefine what family is for different seasons of your life. When I was younger and had a large group of single friends, we were family – in and out of each other’s apartments throughout the week. We sat together at church on Sundays and hung out at group on Thursday nights, but we also met for happy hour, movies, camping trips, Target runs, and even grading or study sessions. As we got older and more and more friends married and had kids, the dynamic changed and we had to change with it. I became friends with my friends’ spouses, and godmother or adopted auntie to their kids. At this point in my life, I realize there’s a good chance I won’t have kids of my own to raise so I decided to move to be closer to my mom, my sister and her family, and my little brother and his family. I wanted to be close to my little nephew and niece as they grow up, to have a great influence on them, to help out, and be helped by them.

The hardest part of moving was leaving my church family behind. I’m trying to find a new one, and it can be painful and even a bit heartbreaking. After almost 10 years with the same family, I just don’t fit into another one and have to overcome doubts that I ever will. Yet, I will keep trying because I know the value of it. ⅓ of the “one another” verses in the Bible are about loving one another and are specific to the family of God (John 13:34, 15:12 & 17; Romans 12:10, 13:8; Galatians 5:13; Ephesians 4:2; 1 Thessalonians 3:12, 4:9; 1 Peter 1:22, 5:14; 1 John 3:11, 4:7 & 11; 2 John 5). Kinda hard for me love others and let others love me if I’m not getting to know the Christians around me so I can know how best to love them.

So, think about your life. Are you part of a family? Are you an active part of the family of God? If not, you’re missing out on one of the greatest blessings to a single Christian. I challenge you to try, but try hard. Sometimes the best things are the most difficult and the most rewarding.