Archive for Family

On Cousins and Capitals

I wasn’t expecting to like Washington DC as much as I did. I mean, I’m no fan of the current administration, and thought it was a little sad that this is the first time I’d see the capital. I’ve always struggled with patriotism because my love of country is not a blind love; I am all too aware of the bodies we left behind and continue to break in the name of power. Yet there I was, wandering around the city with my mum, uncle, and cousin and enjoying every bit of it (and not just because the Library of Congress is my little librarian heart’s national home).

Everywhere we turned there were great buildings inscribed with noble, courageous, and beautiful quotes reminding me that some of the dreams this country was built on were beautiful. It’s been hard to remember that lately. In a time with Truth is NOT Truth, it’s easy to get more and more jaded about America.

There are also reminders of some of the worst our country had and has to offer. Exhibits in various Smithsonian museums revealing our poverty, racism, sexism, and cruelty. Memorials and monuments honoring brave men and women who sacrificed their own lives for mine.

But also memorials and monuments to some pretty vicious, violent, selfish people as well.

Portraits of presidents both good and bad, but mostly men with mixtures of both; all men, no women, all white, save one. Somehow, this district manages to be inspiring and sobering simultaneously.

It was in this environment that I got to know my cousin, who I had only met once before when I was 11 and she was 17. I was worried it would be awkward, but instead it felt like we’d always known each other. I consider this smart, kind, kick-ass single mom yet another answer to my prayer for family made 2 years ago.

As we wandered around DC and then various cities in Virginia, chatting and laughing together, there were so many moments when we realized how many things we have in common which must either be genetic or from the fact that my mum and her dad grew up together and therefore raised us with some commonalities. Gringo tacos. A love of Bob Ross and his happy little trees and clouds. A passion for reading. Wanderlust. A Puritan work ethic. Shared memories of our grandparents.

I’m sorry it took me so long to visit DC, and even more sorry it took so many years to get to know my cousin. But God is good and it wasn’t too late. I flew back to my beloved LA with more hope for my country and my family. With the reminder that the current president is not (yet) a dictator and my voice of dissent can still be expressed (for now). With the conviction that I must not stop praying and marching and voting and calling and caring. With the joy of knowing my cousin, new-to-me, is just a text away.

God is good; I’m working on remembering this, praying to grow in faith, hope, and love.

How to be Single, Celibate, and Happily Turn 40 – Trust God with your Future

One of the scariest parts about growing older when you are single and childless is all the fears attached to it. What will happen to me as I grow even older and more frail with no partner to help and no children to care for me? Where will I live since I can’t afford a home on my own? In those times when we live alone, we fear what will happen if we choke with no one there to save us.

Tip 5: Trust God with your Future

The financial stresses on singles are very real as singles tend to earn less money, have a higher per-person cost of living (from rents to cell phone plans), fewer options for retirement and health care plans, and on average pay more in taxes than joint filers. Single women, in particular, are literally at a loss when compared to others financially.

This fear about my future was one of the main things holding me back from being able to truly enjoy my single life for years. Even when I was happy in the moment, knowing I was right where God wanted me, the second I thought ahead anxiety would creep in. In the counseling room, I often heard “right now, I’m fine being single, but when I think about being single in 5-10 years I start to panic!”

To be honest, whether we are single or married, we never know what the future may bring. Marriages fall apart, people die, financial markets collapse, health declines, and unforeseen circumstances hit everyone. When I got down to it, I realized my struggle wasn’t just fearing being single in the future, it was fearing what could happen in the future at all.

The solution for this fear? Faith. Faith that God will continue to do a good work in me, just as he promised (Philippians 1:6). This does not mean I make horrendously foolish decisions. I still try my best to be responsible with what the Lord has entrusted to me, seek wise counsel, and plan ahead. But I don’t allow the fears regarding my future to take over my heart and mind. After all, “it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand” (Proverbs 19:20-21).

ProTip:

When you start to fear the future, turn these worried thoughts into prayers. Remember God’s faithfulness throughout your life so far, look back on all he’s brought you through. And remember his promises to never leave nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

I hope that each year of your life brings you more confidence and contentment in God’s plan for you.

Do you have any tips that could help other singletons experience aging with greater peace and joy? Share them in the comments below.

If you missed any of this 5 part series, check out the first 4 tips below:
Tip 1: Celebrate with Friends and Family
Tip 2: Reassess Your Priorities
Tip 3: Recognize Celibacy as Worship
Tip 4: Embrace Having Nothing to Prove

How to be Single, Celibate, and Happily Turn 40 – Celebrate with Friends and Family

So it happened; a few days ago I turned the Big 4-0. And I’ve got to be honest, it’s been pretty awesome. I’ve never been someone who shies away from my age or dreads birthdays, so it’s not a huge surprise to me that I enjoyed turning 40 immensely. But now, a couple weeks later, I still feel a sense of peace and joy wash over me whenever I remember I’m 40 now. I wasn’t expecting that.

So how did I, the perpetually single, childless, celibate, poor, awkward spinster, get to this place of incredible contentment while entering into middle age? I’m taking this week to write a series on 5 tips for singles to grow older with joy and hope, with 1 tip per day.

Tip 1: Celebrate with Friends and Family

Many men and women don’t enjoy their birthdays. For some, the thought of growing older each year is terrifying, others don’t want to make a big deal out of it or have attention on themselves, while others feel they don’t have close friends or family with whom to celebrate. We can choose to look at birthdays as reminders of our mortality, or like me, see them more like merit badges. Each year, I’m like “stick that new year onto my age, I earned that sucker!”

Part of rejoicing in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4) is learning how to rejoice in what he’s done in our lives. Each new year of life gives us another opportunity to rejoice in him. Even if it’s been a tough year, the fact that he got us through it is enough to celebrate. So, find a way to rejoice that works for you, but I encourage you to include others. Some years, my birthday is marked by a small immediate family dinner at home with a cake made by my mum. Every once in awhile I’m out of the state or country on my birthday, so celebrate with one or two other people who happen to be near. Other years, the whole month is filled with lunches, dinners, coffees, and mini-celebrations here and there as I touch base with friends as we come and go in the middle of summer. And other years, like this one, I get to have a huge birthday bash.

No matter what, I try my best to celebrate with friends and family. To thank God for being with me through yet another year, and for giving me the gift of a new one written for me, though yet unseen. Because I am prone to depression and cynicism, these moments of planned rejoicing are even more important – they force me to stop and give thanks (I Thessalonians 5:18).

ProTip:

If you’re a perpetually single man or woman who is about to get a little older than you’d like, my suggestion to you is to celebrate the heck out of it. Give thanks God got you through another year. Add that year on and wear it with honor.

Swing by the Awkward Spinster tomorrow for the next tip in the How to be Single, Celibate, and Happily Turn 40 series.

Below I’ll share the rest of this series of posts as they’re published.
Tip 2: Reassess Your Priorities
Tip 3: Recognize Celibacy as Worship
Tip 4: Embrace Having Nothing to Prove
Tip 5: Trust God with your Future

A Very Potter Birthday

What is the best way to turn 40? With a surprise Harry Potter party thrown by your best friends and family, of course! And yes, I really was surprised.

Some backstory: several years ago, after it became apparent that there was a likelihood my singleness may be a permanent state rather than a “season of life,” I developed a plan. If I didn’t get married and do the whole wedding/reception with all the friends and family thing, I’d throw a huge 40th birthday party. But not just any party, I planned to rent out the Great Hall of the world’s best Harry Potter store, Whimsic Alley on the Miracle Mile in Los Angeles, and have an adults only Potterfest worthy of J.K. Rowling herself. A Pinterest board was created. Research into costs and options was done. Friends and family were told.

And then, shortly after my 39th birthday, Whimsic Alley closed its doors for good. My sister and I pondered other venues, but nothing remotely affordable was even close. I decided that I’d rather just have a small family thing at home, and go out for coffee or lunch with friends throughout my birth month.

Fast-forward to July, 2018, and I was happily getting together with old friends for lunches here and there, and going to Las Vegas for a weekend with two of my best friends. Very content with my 40th birth month so far, I was supposed to go out the Saturday before my birthday for a sister night; she had something planned but wouldn’t tell me.

The day before, she called and told me the time to be ready, and that I should wear my Harry Potter swag and bring one of my wands. Now, for a lot of people this might seem like an odd request, but in our family it’s actually not that weird at all. We are one geeky brood. Check out my sister’s blog, my oldest brother’s blog, and my youngest brother’s art for further evidence. I figured she was taking me to a rooftop movie screening of HP, an HP themed puzzle room, or maybe even Wizarding World for the night.

So that afternoon, I put on my Hot Topic Harry Potter Great Hall Dress, “Books Turn Muggles into Wizards” necklace, golden snitch bracelet, and Hedwig earrings, chose one of my three wands, and hopped in my sister’s car. We headed to one of our favorite spots to eat, Little Osaka (Sawtelle Japantown). She then said we were going to meet two of my friends at my LA home church parking lot because they were coming with us. This seemed logical to me, as meeting in that parking lot was something we’d done many times when I still lived in West LA. Once at the church, the sis said she needed to use the bathroom, so we headed through the only door that appeared to be unlocked and up the stairs to encounter a “brick wall” over the door way.

I was stunned. It finally clicked that we weren’t here to pick up friends or use the bathroom, but that behind this curtain would be some sort of surprise party for me. But I honestly hadn’t seen it coming! I’d come to terms with the fact that my dream party wouldn’t happen, had accepted it, and moved on. Then I walked through the brick wall reminiscent of the entrance to Diagon Alley, and there was the entire Great Hall of Hogwarts laid out before me, and almost 40 of my friends screaming “Surprise!”

It was overwhelming, still is actually. The amount of work and creativity they put into transforming a room in a church to a banquet hall, the months of planning without me catching even a hint, the love and care put into this one night still blows my mind.

The Platform 9 ¾ photo booth. The butterbeer, firewhiskey, and smoking punch. The house themed tables, banners, and house gemstones (with Ravenclaw in the lead, of course!). The portraits of witches and wizards on the walls. The props and decorations and food. It was all perfect.

On a table to the side sat the most beautiful birthday cake I’ve ever gotten, made by one of my best friends, a brilliant pastry chef. It was also freakin’ delicious.

Moaning Myrtle even made an appearance in the ladies’ bathroom.

And, just like I’d dreamt, friends from many different aspects of my life joined together to hang out for one night – from my current town, from my old West LA life, family, roommates, dear friends from ministries past, my writer’s group, grad school, and childhood. Some who had never read the HP books or seen the movies still came and posed in the photo booth with beards and wands and a fabulous Hedwig balloon. Many came in full costume (my mom was seriously the cutest Molly Weasley ever) or Potterbounded.

It was my dream party even after I thought that dream was put aside. It was the best way to enter my forties – with love, joy, and whimsy.

The Traditions of Single Friendship

Last weekend, two of my best friends swept me off to Las Vegas for an early birthday weekend. They do this every couple of years, braving the immense heat of July to drink mojitos poolside, play penny slots and quarter roulette, eat incredible food at nice restaurants, see shows, and get beef jerky at Alien Jerky in Baker on the way there or back. This time we even stopped by a geeky haven called Rogue Toys on our way out so that I could pick up some 1980’s swag.

I do not deserve friends like these. I’m not just saying that – I seriously don’t deserve them. But that’s the incredible thing about true friendship, it doesn’t matter. You see, the three of us have gone through over a decade of being continually single adults together. We’ve done grad school together, and post grad life. We’ve helped each other move, well, mostly they’ve helped me move repeatedly. We’ve tried online dating together and given up on it all. We’ve supported each other through career changes and church searches, through family crises and joys. For better or worse, they are stuck with me.

And, over the years, our friendship has created its own traditions. We celebrate birthdays and holidays, we binge watch shows like “Stranger Things” and “MST3K,” we try new restaurants, and we text silly memes and cartoons. I used to do my taxes at their condo until we switched systems. We even travelled Japan together. We constantly pray for each other and ask for prayer. And all of this with us only living in the same area for 1 year of our friendship.

Single friendships, just like married ones, need traditions. Traditions help us mark time, celebrate, lament, and experience stability. Since we singletons often move frequently and experience upheaval as jobs, cities, and churches change having some traditions on which we can rely helps us feel settled. We don’t go home to the same person each night. We don’t have spouses and children which remain constants when everything else is new. But we can have loyal friendships to anchor us.

I’m not saying friendships like this one won’t change. There is every possibility that these two amazing men will each fall in love and marry their respective dream girls. Or not. Who knows but God, really. They may move out of the state or country. Or I might. The outside things in our lives might change so much that our traditions will have to stop. Because I am well aware of this, and have experienced it with other friendships, I value these moments even more. They are precious. They help me feel known and seen and valued.

I pray that every single person has friendships in their lives which help them grow into the best versions of themselves. Friends who will call them out when they need it, walk alongside them when things are bad, laugh and smile with them when things are great, and pray for them always. Married people probably need this too.

So thank you to the friends in my life, for I have been blessed by a few loyal, wise, hilarious, gifted, challenging, and kind ones. Thank you for developing traditions with me – for book clubs, and writing groups, for going out to the good Korean BBQ and the cheap sushi, for texting me when you can’t sleep and praying for me when I’m down, for bringing me wonton soup when I’m sick and letting me crash in your guest rooms or on your couches. Thank you for letting me become part of your families, for encouraging my friendship with your spouses and children, for making me honorary auntie or godparent. Thank you for holding me accountable in ministry and writing, and for encouraging my faith to grow. Thank you for geeking out with me at late night rooftop movies and trips to Wonder Con. As the Golden Girls said it best, “thank you for being a friend / traveled down a road and back again / your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.”