Churchless but not Faithless

I haven’t gone to church in over 2 years. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was in a church building. COVID hit, and everything shut down, and when buildings opened up again, my little church hadn’t survived. We were renting a space in a strip mall, and it wasn’t worth paying rent when we weren’t using it. Then our pastor got a job at a different church in a different city, which was so good. He and his family need to eat and pay rent themselves, so none of us begrudge him that. So I was churchless. And my hobbity self who would like to snuggle down in a hole in the ground with some good food and drink didn’t mind all that much.

Most Sundays, my mum and I would livestream the service from my old home church in LA until they stopped livestreaming. And when it was safe enough to start meeting with other humans again, my family and close friend’s family formed a little home church where we meet outside or, if the weather is bad, inside masked, and study the Bible, pray together, and let the kids run wild together. Sometimes, we take communion together, and we did some advent together near the holidays. I also meet once a month with my women’s global prayer group, on our back patio or masked indoors.

So fellowship and Bible study and communal prayer and communion are happening – just not in the traditional sense. I’ve thought about going back to a church in person – like with a building and ordained pastors and formal small groups and all that – but the local churches where I live are not welcoming spaces for non-Republicans who are fed up with the current state of the white evangelical church and believe COVID was/is real. Even the churches of people of color tend to lean right here.

I must be honest, I don’t miss traditional church as much as I thought I would. My mum misses it a lot more than I do, which makes sense as she’s gone for over 70 years to my over 40. I’ve also never or rarely fit in to the church environment, so have always felt on the fringes anyway. I’ve also been struggling with the politics/ethics of the white evangelical church a lot longer. But it breaks my heart to see her grieve the loss of church. I’ve been there, I’ve felt the betrayal and pain, and I hate to see her going through it too.

I’m not deconstructing my faith – my faith is the same as it ever was. I love God and try to love people. I am a sinner, saved by the sacrificial death and resurrection of Jesus, who loved me and gave himself up for me. This is why I try to love others – because I am so loved in a way I do not deserve and I want others to experience that too. My faith is unshaken and permanent. But the churches I see around me do not reflect what the Bible says about God and humanity.

I am not naïve – I do not seek a “perfect” church. I know the church is for sinners, and therefore will never be perfect. I do, however, seek churches that are trying to love God and love others well. Which are willing to admit when they’re wrong, and do everything in their power to grow and change. Which are not willing to bow to the right wing worship found in these spaces, but which seek to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8).

I’m no longer willing to bend to religious spaces which actively harm women and vulnerable minorities, which pull the “both sides are equally wrong” crap or go further and believe you have to be right wing to be a Christian, which prioritize the tastes of the more powerful or favored congregants over what is right, which pick and choose which sins to rebuke while holding tightly onto sins like greed, lust for power, and violence.

For me, the biggest struggle in this leaving of the traditional church is also leaving behind my calling as a Biblical Counselor. I never quite fit into that world well, and in fact got into many debates with my professors in my years of study. I also purposefully never turned in my completed NANC (now ACBC) exam to get certified by the Biblical Counseling big wigs because I could never 100% sign off on their statements of belief and didn’t want my name to be associated with them. Still, I paid tons of money (loans which I’m still paying off), gave a lot of my time and effort, to get my Master’s degree and be trained in that discipline. I also have 16 years of experience in Biblical Counseling. I’ve attended many conferences and classes over the years, continued in research and reading, and have given a huge amount of my adult life to that particular field of counseling. Giving that up is the hardest part.

I am a good counselor, sometimes I am even excellent. I am a good speaker and teacher, sometimes even excellent. I am a good writer, sometimes even excellent. And giving up that call and gift and skill is like giving up a huge part of who I am. I currently only have 3 counselees left, 2 paid and one pro-bono. And after them, I do not plan on taking any new counselees for the foreseeable future. The tradition in which I was taught and trained is so wrapped up in the white evangelical culture that I do not think it can be separated. And I do not have the time, energy, and money to go back to school and start over again to get trained in a different kind of counseling. So I must let it go. This breaks my heart the most.

I’m still working through a lot of this stuff, so things may change, but this is where I’m at right now. And, for those of you who know me well, this will not be a surprise. It’s actually been a very very long time coming. But I appreciate your love, support, prayer, encouragement, and listening ears these past few years as I’ve weighed these decisions. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about any of this, as I know I’m not the only one out there going through this.

The one thing I know for certain is that pursuing God and faith in Christ is still worth it, still beautiful and good and true, and that forming relationships with his children is still worth it. It just might look a little different for a lot of us.

Little Moments of Joy

I’ve had a bit of a tough week, but today I’m feeling better and think I shall just make a list of things that are currently bringing me moments of joy:

Lunchtime walks in the little square next to my library. Someone tossed rose petals into the fountain and just watching them float while listening to the trickling water lowered my blood pressure.

Reruns of Forged in Fire on Netflix. Something about watching people grind out swords and knives and axes by hand does it for me. And nothing is quite as fulfilling to hear as those words from Doug Marchaida after slashing up a forensic dummy, “It will KEAL!” For something a bit more therapeutic and wholesome, try The Great Pottery Throwdown on HBOMax.

My silly puppy figuring out how to wrap mum and I around her little paws more and more each day. Lately she’s taken to booping us on the leg with her nose, then herding us wherever she wants us to go. Usually to the back door to let her outside so she can chase squirrels and bark noisily. She also is trying to get us to hand feed her. Sigh. She’s almost 2! Good thing she’s so cute.

Getting interviewed over the phone by my second oldest nephew for a school project on “an adventurous extended relative.” It was so good to relive my traveling days, and have an excuse to dig up old photos from Australia from a couple decades ago. Yes, I used to be incredibly adventurous, and it’s good to remember that’s still part of me. Someday, time and money and global pandemic permitting, I’d like to get back some of that adventure. 

Clips of Harry Styles at Coachella dancing in a sparkly jumpsuit. I don’t even listen to his music or follow him, as I’m not really a pop music kind of gal, but the sheer radiating happiness that comes from his stage presence is contagious, even through the small screen of my phone in 10 second clips on Instagram.

Cheesy romance novels, fantasy graphic novels, and Victorian feminist murder mysteries, accessed for free via my library’s Hoopla and cloudLibrary accounts and my library card. Yay for guaranteed HEAs (Happily Ever Afters) and all the free books you could read/listen to.

Successful storytimes, even with TONS of new toddlers. We started our spring storytime sessions last week, and have a particularly young group this round, many of whom have never been anywhere before. So it’s been a joy to have the storytimes go well, and to have parents, grandparents, and guardians who are incredibly supportive, encouraging, and easy going. Plus, the flannel stories we made for spring are freakin’ adorable!

Prayer. I might be utterly fed up with the white evangelical church, but I am not done with my faith or my relationship with Christ. Prayer is getting me through so much these days, as it has throughout my life. My brain doesn’t have the ability to disconnect from things like thoughts of war, injustice, or abuse, so I often struggle as a counselor, concerned friend, and responsible member of society to not get dragged down into deep, lasting, cynical depression. I do have some coping mechanisms to help me disengage when needed, the most effective thing I personally can do is pray. I’m not one to say “thoughts and prayers” and do nothing – I try to do everything in my power to “do good, seek justice: help the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow” (Isaiah 1:17). But in my day to day life, when there is little to nothing I can do in that moment or circumstance, prayer gets me through. I have a good God who cares about my worries, fears, concerns, pleas, and laments. A God who listens, understands, and acts. Prayer brings me joy.

I’m trying to recognize the little things of beauty and goodness more and more each day, so listing little moments like this and the things that help me get through daily life helps. What is bringing you moments of joy this week?

Getting a Little Messy

It’s springtime, which means things get a little messy. Mum and I have done some backyard gardening, with Dandelion as our “helper.” And with all this new life, my allergies go crazy, so my head is frequently a stuffed mess. Being a permanently single 40-something Christian dealing with other Christians’ strongly held views of singleness? Also messy.

A couple months ago, I was able to have 1½ hour long conversation with my friend, pastor and writer Scott Mehl, about “The Mess of Singleness” for his podcast, “The Messy Podcast.” The episode aired at the end of March, but I didn’t think to mention it here at the time. If you haven’t had the chance to listen to it, I strongly encourage you to check it out. It holds truths, challenges, and encouragements for both singles and marrieds. 

You can find it on Apple or Spotify:

Just when I think I’ve said everything there is to say on this topic, someone like Scott comes along with great questions, and I realize there is so much more that needs to be expressed about living the life of a single adult in today’s Christian church environments. 

One of the main things I wanted to express is that singleness is vast and varied. From the young 20-something who has just started dating, to the 75 year old man who recently lost his wife of 50 years, from the divorced single parent, to the never-married person in middle age, singleness is not one-size-fits-all. 

If the Christian community wants to serve its single people well, it needs to expand its perspective and be ready to truly get to know each individual and what their specific needs are rather than treating singles ministry like a monolithic entity, usually geared toward young adults with the goal of marrying off as many of us as possible.

I’d love to hear what you think of the topics touched on in this interview, so feel free to comment or message me back once you’ve listened! What would you like me to discuss next time? What needs to be repeated, delved into more deeply here on my blog, or what have I missed thus far?