The Financial Woes of the Single Life

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of no fortune must be in want of a retirement plan. As a 40something person, I find myself thinking about my future from time to time, and worrying a bit about what exactly will happen to me. Now, none of us have the answer to this but God, so that concern isn’t relegated only to singles and only to women. However, singles, and especially single women, do seem to have more cause for concern.

According to this 2021 Retirement Confidence Survey, single women tend to be in the worst financial position going into retirement by quite a large percent. Single men also fall behind their married counterparts. It is a genuine concern. The survey doesn’t go into the causes of this, just the reality of its existence.

Now I realize that I have lived my life in a rather nontraditional way, and my finances have reflected that. I paid my own way through college and graduate school and am still paying off the loans of the latter. I traveled quite a bit, though much of that was done incredibly cheaply or even for free as a chaperone for school trips. I changed jobs in the wrong financial direction (going from higher to lower paying ones) in order to find better life balance, physical and mental health, and be near my family (I still do not regret this trade off).

On top of these individual decisions, however, are factors that have impacted my finances merely from being a single woman all these years.

Let’s start with the woman part – as confident as I am, I fall victim to one of the problems with self-perspective that often preys upon women. That is, I haven’t always valued my time, skills, and experience. I tend not to ask for raises. I don’t try to bargain about salaries when starting a position, but just accept the offer on the table. Some combination of my evangelical culture which often requires everything of a woman with nothing in return (metaphorical martyrdom for ministry and family and service and assisting men and taking care of everyone other than yourself is big for women in the church), a bit of Imposter Syndrome, fear of reprisal from the almost-all male bosses, and just never having been told I even could negotiate salaries or ask for raises played into this. Which is common for women. We are way less likely to do any of these things, and it’s not because we don’t deserve them as much as the men in our workplaces, it’s purely a systemic part of our culture and a difference in the way we raise women to approach work versus men. Women are also more likely to be seen as demanding, shrill, uppity, or even bitchy when asking for these things when a man would come across as confident leadership material. The professional backlash can be strong. And sadly, even though women are getting better at asking for raises using the exact same techniques as men, we are still less likely to get them.

The second part of this is that I was one of the many many women who got paid less than the men in my same position, even though I had more responsibilities than some of them and better student outcomes. I did not know this for several years, of course, because our society frowns upon sharing salaries which means that women and minorities are often paid less but never know it for sure. So as a woman, I have earned less and therefore have had much less to save for my future.

Now for the single part of why my future is more precarious than many of my married cohort. Most of my married friends are double income households for at least part of the marriage, which means rents/mortgages/utilities/etc. have been shared. Even friends who took time off work while their children were young were able to buy houses before that because they had a few years of dual income first. There is help in paying off loans and cars and everything. And yes, the bills are slightly higher for groceries and maybe 2 cars instead of 1, but the rent and utilities tend to be not much higher for marrieds than singles, and again is often split. 

Married folks are also way more likely to buy a home than continue to rent, which gives them equity. Part of this again is the shared income – it is incredibly difficult to buy any place as a single person unless you get an inheritance or come from a well-off family who will assist you in that first mortgage. Singles are more likely to get higher interest rates on loans as well, and often need to find someone to cosign if their credit isn’t established. So we end up renting for much, if not all, of our lives and miss out on that equity. And, due to perceived and absolutely false stereotypes of single people (viewed as irresponsible flight risks) versus single families (viewed as more responsible and stable), landlords and realtors often discriminate against single renters and buyers, which makes the housing pool much more narrow and therefore more competitive for the types of homes a single person can afford. Unfortunately, most of us singles don’t have a glam group of Golden Girls just waiting to go in together on a fabulous retirement house for all.

Singles also tend to pay more in taxes. We end up paying more income taxes, get less out of Social Security than our married counterparts even though we pay the same amount into it, we pay more penalties for IRA related expenses than marrieds, we pay way more for our healthcare because we can’t have shared health insurance policies, and we often don’t have someone at home to help care for us when we are ill so we have to pay for more outside help if necessary.

All of these expenses don’t even begin to touch the extra financial burden placed on single parents, especially single mothers. They have to deal with all of the above, plus incredibly expensive childcare costs, healthcare for their kids, education costs for children, and so much more.

All this to say, singles worrying about our futures is a valid concern, especially for single women. And very few ever discuss this – especially in the church. In fact, I don’t believe I’ve ever talked about this in a church setting or heard about this. Churches talk about ministering to the singles in their community, but are they actually taking care of true needs? Can we focus only on “spiritual needs” when someone is struggling to have housing and healthcare as they get older? The churches I’ve been a part of in the past think they’re doing something about this by taking special collections, or giving people some small money here and there if a great need arises, but this is a systemic issue which requires systemic change. Donations and handouts are good and necessary, but they are Band-Aids on gaping wounds. The church needs to be on the forefront of trying to change how our society views and treats singles, especially single women, so we aren’t going into our later years at a clear disadvantage compared to all others. 

We need to pressure our workplaces into paying men and women equally and being open about salaries from the beginning. We need to consider women for higher paying jobs and encourage them to apply, even when they may not have considered it for themselves at first because they lack self-confidence. We need to rent and sell homes to singles without prejudice. We need to vote for changes to our Social Security and healthcare systems. We need to put societal and legal pressure on our culture in order to help it grow and serve more of us. The church is not exempt from this just because it donates to good causes here and there. The church should be fighting for the vulnerable, oppressed, and underrepresented. For justice.

Sadly, I’ve found that the Christian organizations for which I worked were often the worst offenders. The way the white evangelical church raises its girls to worship marriage before all, to see ourselves as doormats for others, to feel immense guilt any time we think of ourselves and our needs, to berate ourselves for not being humble enough or servant-hearted enough sends us out into the world unprepared to stand up for ourselves when we need to, to fight for our worth in the workplace, and to take care of ourselves if we don’t happen to find a knight in shining armor to take care of us (or it turns out that knight is actually horrible, or the knight leaves us, or dies).

Christians, do better. Christian parents, do better. Christian organizations, do better. Churches, do better. America, do better. And singles, especially single women, it’s time to start taking some small but decisive steps to financially take care of ourselves just as our male and married counterparts are already doing. We’re not asking for more than anyone else is getting, we’re asking for the same.

Churchless but not Faithless

I haven’t gone to church in over 2 years. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was in a church building. COVID hit, and everything shut down, and when buildings opened up again, my little church hadn’t survived. We were renting a space in a strip mall, and it wasn’t worth paying rent when we weren’t using it. Then our pastor got a job at a different church in a different city, which was so good. He and his family need to eat and pay rent themselves, so none of us begrudge him that. So I was churchless. And my hobbity self who would like to snuggle down in a hole in the ground with some good food and drink didn’t mind all that much.

Most Sundays, my mum and I would livestream the service from my old home church in LA until they stopped livestreaming. And when it was safe enough to start meeting with other humans again, my family and close friend’s family formed a little home church where we meet outside or, if the weather is bad, inside masked, and study the Bible, pray together, and let the kids run wild together. Sometimes, we take communion together, and we did some advent together near the holidays. I also meet once a month with my women’s global prayer group, on our back patio or masked indoors.

So fellowship and Bible study and communal prayer and communion are happening – just not in the traditional sense. I’ve thought about going back to a church in person – like with a building and ordained pastors and formal small groups and all that – but the local churches where I live are not welcoming spaces for non-Republicans who are fed up with the current state of the white evangelical church and believe COVID was/is real. Even the churches of people of color tend to lean right here.

I must be honest, I don’t miss traditional church as much as I thought I would. My mum misses it a lot more than I do, which makes sense as she’s gone for over 70 years to my over 40. I’ve also never or rarely fit in to the church environment, so have always felt on the fringes anyway. I’ve also been struggling with the politics/ethics of the white evangelical church a lot longer. But it breaks my heart to see her grieve the loss of church. I’ve been there, I’ve felt the betrayal and pain, and I hate to see her going through it too.

I’m not deconstructing my faith – my faith is the same as it ever was. I love God and try to love people. I am a sinner, saved by the sacrificial death and resurrection of Jesus, who loved me and gave himself up for me. This is why I try to love others – because I am so loved in a way I do not deserve and I want others to experience that too. My faith is unshaken and permanent. But the churches I see around me do not reflect what the Bible says about God and humanity.

I am not naïve – I do not seek a “perfect” church. I know the church is for sinners, and therefore will never be perfect. I do, however, seek churches that are trying to love God and love others well. Which are willing to admit when they’re wrong, and do everything in their power to grow and change. Which are not willing to bow to the right wing worship found in these spaces, but which seek to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8).

I’m no longer willing to bend to religious spaces which actively harm women and vulnerable minorities, which pull the “both sides are equally wrong” crap or go further and believe you have to be right wing to be a Christian, which prioritize the tastes of the more powerful or favored congregants over what is right, which pick and choose which sins to rebuke while holding tightly onto sins like greed, lust for power, and violence.

For me, the biggest struggle in this leaving of the traditional church is also leaving behind my calling as a Biblical Counselor. I never quite fit into that world well, and in fact got into many debates with my professors in my years of study. I also purposefully never turned in my completed NANC (now ACBC) exam to get certified by the Biblical Counseling big wigs because I could never 100% sign off on their statements of belief and didn’t want my name to be associated with them. Still, I paid tons of money (loans which I’m still paying off), gave a lot of my time and effort, to get my Master’s degree and be trained in that discipline. I also have 16 years of experience in Biblical Counseling. I’ve attended many conferences and classes over the years, continued in research and reading, and have given a huge amount of my adult life to that particular field of counseling. Giving that up is the hardest part.

I am a good counselor, sometimes I am even excellent. I am a good speaker and teacher, sometimes even excellent. I am a good writer, sometimes even excellent. And giving up that call and gift and skill is like giving up a huge part of who I am. I currently only have 3 counselees left, 2 paid and one pro-bono. And after them, I do not plan on taking any new counselees for the foreseeable future. The tradition in which I was taught and trained is so wrapped up in the white evangelical culture that I do not think it can be separated. And I do not have the time, energy, and money to go back to school and start over again to get trained in a different kind of counseling. So I must let it go. This breaks my heart the most.

I’m still working through a lot of this stuff, so things may change, but this is where I’m at right now. And, for those of you who know me well, this will not be a surprise. It’s actually been a very very long time coming. But I appreciate your love, support, prayer, encouragement, and listening ears these past few years as I’ve weighed these decisions. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about any of this, as I know I’m not the only one out there going through this.

The one thing I know for certain is that pursuing God and faith in Christ is still worth it, still beautiful and good and true, and that forming relationships with his children is still worth it. It just might look a little different for a lot of us.

Little Moments of Joy

I’ve had a bit of a tough week, but today I’m feeling better and think I shall just make a list of things that are currently bringing me moments of joy:

Lunchtime walks in the little square next to my library. Someone tossed rose petals into the fountain and just watching them float while listening to the trickling water lowered my blood pressure.

Reruns of Forged in Fire on Netflix. Something about watching people grind out swords and knives and axes by hand does it for me. And nothing is quite as fulfilling to hear as those words from Doug Marchaida after slashing up a forensic dummy, “It will KEAL!” For something a bit more therapeutic and wholesome, try The Great Pottery Throwdown on HBOMax.

My silly puppy figuring out how to wrap mum and I around her little paws more and more each day. Lately she’s taken to booping us on the leg with her nose, then herding us wherever she wants us to go. Usually to the back door to let her outside so she can chase squirrels and bark noisily. She also is trying to get us to hand feed her. Sigh. She’s almost 2! Good thing she’s so cute.

Getting interviewed over the phone by my second oldest nephew for a school project on “an adventurous extended relative.” It was so good to relive my traveling days, and have an excuse to dig up old photos from Australia from a couple decades ago. Yes, I used to be incredibly adventurous, and it’s good to remember that’s still part of me. Someday, time and money and global pandemic permitting, I’d like to get back some of that adventure. 

Clips of Harry Styles at Coachella dancing in a sparkly jumpsuit. I don’t even listen to his music or follow him, as I’m not really a pop music kind of gal, but the sheer radiating happiness that comes from his stage presence is contagious, even through the small screen of my phone in 10 second clips on Instagram.

Cheesy romance novels, fantasy graphic novels, and Victorian feminist murder mysteries, accessed for free via my library’s Hoopla and cloudLibrary accounts and my library card. Yay for guaranteed HEAs (Happily Ever Afters) and all the free books you could read/listen to.

Successful storytimes, even with TONS of new toddlers. We started our spring storytime sessions last week, and have a particularly young group this round, many of whom have never been anywhere before. So it’s been a joy to have the storytimes go well, and to have parents, grandparents, and guardians who are incredibly supportive, encouraging, and easy going. Plus, the flannel stories we made for spring are freakin’ adorable!

Prayer. I might be utterly fed up with the white evangelical church, but I am not done with my faith or my relationship with Christ. Prayer is getting me through so much these days, as it has throughout my life. My brain doesn’t have the ability to disconnect from things like thoughts of war, injustice, or abuse, so I often struggle as a counselor, concerned friend, and responsible member of society to not get dragged down into deep, lasting, cynical depression. I do have some coping mechanisms to help me disengage when needed, the most effective thing I personally can do is pray. I’m not one to say “thoughts and prayers” and do nothing – I try to do everything in my power to “do good, seek justice: help the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow” (Isaiah 1:17). But in my day to day life, when there is little to nothing I can do in that moment or circumstance, prayer gets me through. I have a good God who cares about my worries, fears, concerns, pleas, and laments. A God who listens, understands, and acts. Prayer brings me joy.

I’m trying to recognize the little things of beauty and goodness more and more each day, so listing little moments like this and the things that help me get through daily life helps. What is bringing you moments of joy this week?