The One About Dating

At this point in my “What Do You Believe About Singleness” series based on the conference at which I spoke, I’m supposed to talk to you guys about dating. I’d rather gush about how brilliant “Wonder Woman” was, or rant about the latest Trump tweet; heck, I’d rather write about most things other than dating. However, it’s important in the life of the single person, so it’s important to me.

But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I don’t really date so I’m not an expert on this topic at all. To be fair, I like to think of my lack of dating life as something almost entirely out of my control. You see, I did date a tiny bit here and there when I was a younger, thinner, and an ever-so-slightly-more-optimistic 20-something, but even that was usually accidentally ending up dating a friend with whom I probably should’ve just stayed friends. I even experienced one incredibly awkward proposal which I declined (cold-hearted vixen that I was) because I didn’t trust him. Turns out my instincts were good and I frequently praise God for saving me from that potential disaster, but that’s another story.  And then I moved to Los Angeles and I only went on one date in almost a decade; my dating life was a desert. This is where people either *GASP* in shock or think, “well, at least you had some dates, I’ve never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend.”

This nonexistent dating life was unexpected, unplanned, and almost completely involuntary. I had a rather large group of friends that included dateable Christian guys, but it was totally platonic between all of us and ended in amazing friendships, most of which are still valuable to us today though many of those young men have since married. I tried various forms of online and app dating, only to be shunned by anyone remotely normal and approached only by 65 year old men with various levels of English looking for a Green Card Marriage (for real, guys) or easy sex. The one date I went on was with a nice-ish Christian man I met on Coffee Meets Bagel but he was deathly boring, it was so awkward, and there was zero chemistry so I decided I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than go on another date with him. And that was before he kissed me when I was belted into the seat in my car and couldn’t dodge it! Blech. Chemistry-less kisses are pretty horrible, especially when you can’t get away. I’ve never even been set up on a blind date because none of my friends has ever met maybe-possibly-the-perfect-geeky-Christian-guy-for-Fawn.

So the first thing I wish people out in the world knew about singles and dating is that some of just don’t seem to have that as an option. If I hear one more professor or older Christian say singles today “are just too picky” I might have to pull out my soap box and spiel. I suppose there might be that young woman out there who won’t give a wonderful Christian young man a chance just because he doesn’t fit some unrealistic standard she has of perfection, but I have yet to meet that young woman. I’m even guilty myself of judging some of my guy friends for not asking the young ladies in our church out, but instead dating women from other circles – but then I see who they chose to marry and am nothing but pleased with the women they eventually ended up with! So yes, I do think some people are possibly too picky, but I don’t think it’s the majority of us. It’s not like guys are begging to date me and I’m standing there like “No! I’m sorry! You’re not the Benedict Cumberbatch of my dreams!” Most of the adults I know are perfectly capable of telling the fantasy from reality and not expecting the former over the latter. Actually, the people I have met who had unrealistic expectations of a spouse are usually already married and quite possibly should have been more picky when dating.

Also, dating today when you are a committed Christian, celibate and passionate about Christ, is tough. Every article I read about creating a great online dating profile says not to limit by religion, that is the kiss of death for options. But for me, that was the most important thing in my life. Why would I talk about how I like to travel and eat gelato but leave out my savior? It just doesn’t make sense. We can also end up the wrong age, the wrong size, and the wrong personality for many “Christians,” apparently. And I’m good with that. I like my age, and size, and personality, but I do realize it’s not typical – I’m always way too liberal for conservative Christians and a bit too conservative for liberals.

So if you are single and don’t seem to get dates, realize that’s okay, and actually surprisingly normal. There are a lot of us out there. You then have a couple of options:

  1. You can mope and be sad about it (easy, but terrible option).
  2. You can embrace your singleness and seek contentment in it for the long run (hard, but awesome option).
  3. Or you can seek contentment in it but also keep trying to date (hard, but also awesome option).

If you decide you want to date, then my encouragement to you is to be picky. Only date Christians. Look for people you think could be interesting, good to talk to, to hang out with, but most of all who love Christ and are trying to grow in living godly lives. Trying is the key word here. No one is perfect, but if they are willing to grow and learn then that’s a great sign. One great thing to look for is if your potential date is active in their church. There are a lot of people out there who believe in God but don’t have an active faith. If being part of the body of Christ is important to you, then seek someone who has it as a priority as well.

Dating someone who doesn’t believe in God or believes in a different God is a seriously bad idea. If you love God more than anything else, then date someone else who at least has the potential to have that same love. I adore books, reading, and geeking out over literature – if a man says “I don’t like reading, I just don’t see the point” then that’s a turn-off for me. How much more so should I not be interested in a man who says “Yeah, I don’t really believe the whole God thing.”

As for online dating, only try it if you can do so and hold to a high standard and not let it consume you or depress you. Don’t allow dating apps to become the main priority in your life. Don’t allow them to take over your thought life. There are more important things to focus on. And be smart and safe.

For my married readers, please realize that some of us have little to no control over whether we date or not. If we have high standards for a godly partner we actually like and aren’t willing to just date random people who may or may not love our God the way we do and who we’d be miserable living with for the rest of our lives, then we honestly might not get asked on dates. It happens. We are not being too picky. It’s not like flocks of men and women are knocking on our doors and we’re turning them all away. A lot of people never get asked on dates, not for years.

If we view singleness as a gift just as marriage is a gift, then dating becomes less of a priority, there’s less pressure to find “the one.” Because if we meet a godly man or woman who we like and who likes us back, then great, we should date them and see if maybe the like can be love and if they are a worthy person to marry. And if the rest of us crush on people who don’t return it, or are asked out by creepy people only or no one at all, or are attracted to those who are bad for us, or aren’t really attracted to anyone, then we can just live awesome single lives. If our churches could move in this direction instead of the “everyone should be married by 25” model in which many of us were raised, then maybe churches could better support and encourage their singles in the ways they need it without the constant emphasis on dating and marriage.

So, rant over (for now). Please like, comment, and share. I’d love to know your thoughts, as there’s a lot more to say about this topic.

 

Don’t Just Bide Your Time

I’m meant to be working on another draft of this second blog in the “What Do You Believe About Singleness” series, but instead I am distracted, scrolling through all my friends’ Mother’s Day photos on Instagram. In my family, over the past 3 years since we’ve had the little ones around, we celebrate mums, grandmas, and aunts. Pretty much all the women who love the littles, and the not-so-little-anymores. And this means the world to me. As a woman who very likely will never have or raise kids of her own, being part of the team that raises my nephews and niece, my godson and goddaughter, my friends’ children, and my students is incredibly special to me. So here’s to all the mums and all the other women who raise up kids in this world, who teach them to love God and love each other, and hopefully to love reading and bugs and bubbles and space and fake tattoos and adventures while they’re at it.

I’m also texting (and praying for and weeping for) my friend whose mother is currently in hospital dying, at a loss for the right words as there are no words that can make death right. So here’s to everyone who has lost their mothers, or never had them in the first place – may God grant you strong women to hold you up when you are broken, to laugh with you until you cry, and to remind you just how loved you are by God.

You see, my first point in looking at singleness based on the theological view presented in my last blog is that we need to choose not to just bide our time as singles until we’re married. We need to use our time well. And, in this season of my life, being part of this semi-connected family currently celebrating or grieving their mothers is my world. Father’s Day will come soon enough, and I’ll be among the mourners, and I will need my brothers, and brother-in-law, and best friends, and pastors, and other guy friends to remind me to carry on as much as I need to celebrate the women in my life today. That’s how this works, this living in community thing. We get through it together, the good, the bad, and the ugly. So singles, if you haven’t surrounded yourself in a community like this yet, it’s time to build one.

You see, singleness is not the waiting room for life, for growing up, for being wandering lone wolves; it IS life. It’s neither a time to sit back and think, “someday, when I’m married, then I’ll . . .” or “when I have a family, then I could . . .” James 4:14 warns us “yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” My sister discovered a giant dead moth in my niece’s fairy garden this afternoon. What a juxtaposition of life, this gorgeous creature that lives for such a short time, next to the beautiful imaginary world of my 3 year old little love! And we were reminded, this, right now, is the life God has given us on earth. How are you going to use yours?

Single people are some of the busiest I know. Or maybe that’s just because I spent the last decade in Los Angeles, where singles lead rather hectic urban lives. We work, and we work hard, often putting in more hours than our married-with-kids counterparts. You won’t see most of us calling in sick because we have to stay home with a sick child, or leaving work early because we must carpool with our spouse when the other car’s in the shop. The single childless professional doesn’t need to rush off to pick the kids up from school or take a long lunch to get them to the dentist. We just work long hours. We rarely take time off. We tend to come in even when we’re sick rather than use sick time. Yet, like our married counterparts, we still need family time. Our family time may look a bit different, more like basketball every Thursday evening with the guys, Happy Hour Wednesday after work with the girls, hours babysitting the niece and nephew, watching MST3K with the besties, or Skype dates with the parents, but it is still family time for us. It is still necessary for a full, God-glorifying, sustainable life.

It is easy for us to get caught up in the day to day plans, the minutia of life as it is in this moment, but we can’t keep waiting for big life events to change how we are living. We need to stop and take stock of our lives frequently. We need to pause and figure out what our goals are for this season instead of waiting for another one before we fulfill them. We need to spend time in scripture and in prayer to reassess what our goals should even be. And, we need to be willing to make some big moves, deep commitments now, not in some far off tomorrow.

One of the coolest things about singleness is often being a bit more open to what God has for us. While we should still seek wise counsel and make careful decisions, ultimately the choice of what we do with our lives rests on our shoulders, not someone else’s. Are you using this freedom? Or are you wasting your time?

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your current season in life:

  • How can I be part of a family with people I can care for who will care for me?
  • How can I be lifting up God’s name at work, with friends, with family?
  • How can I not just be busy, but use my time wisely, including rest?
  • How can I be involved in a ministry for which God has suited me?
  • How can I better love the people in my life? In my city?
  • How can I develop gifts God has given me into skills?
  • How can I ENJOY God today?

The Westminster Shorter Catechism is a favorite of mine, beginning with:

Question 1. What is the chief end of man?

A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

So what are you doing today to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever? What are you doing to help others do the same? Don’t just bide your time, thinking one day in the future I’ll rethink my life, because it’s not just the Steve Miller Band who think “time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.” Let us live our lives today in a way that we, like Christ, can say to our Father in heaven “I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do” (John 17:4).

What Do You Believe About Singleness?

One of my dear friends texted me a couple days ago to say that her senior-in-high-school son asked her if being single was a sin. He was concerned about this after hearing a woman ask for prayer that God would give her a husband and children. I don’t know much else about the context, but can assume that the attitude in which she asked made it seem like she was doing something wrong by not having the spouse + 2.5 kids yet. It broke my heart to know this worried him, because this young man is such a particularly awesome human being. If the American church is making even our teenagers feel bad for being single, how much more must those of us who are older, having been single longer, feel we are doing something wrong?

It’s time for the modern American church to look more closely at what the Bible has to say about the single life, and ask ourselves if not only our words are backing this up, but our tones, our insinuations, and our actions. Many times have I had a pastor or Bible teacher preach truth from the pulpit, saying that singleness is a valid lifestyle choice, a gift from the Lord, then turn around and try to set up all the single women with the single men. In order to counteract young Christians having sex before marriage, many churches champion young marriages and hold them up as the gold standard. The message this sends is confusing and can even be harmful. 

This weekend I was able to speak on singleness at a conference at my home church, Cornerstone West LA. I was asked to discuss how having a biblical view of singleness practically affects our lives. Since I was only able to spend about 5 minutes on each of my main points, I’m going to spend the next few weeks delving into each one a little more in depth.

Let me start with some basics by going into a bit of the theology behind my views on singleness. Rather than forming our opinions on Christian singleness on the cultural standards of today, let’s find our standards in things above. Being single does not mean we are missing something. There is not some gaping hole in us that can only be filled by our soul mate. We are not lacking. 

2 Peter 1:3 claims “his divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.”

The Greek term used here for “has granted” is in the Greek perfect passive tense, which means the action has already been completed and we now are experiencing the final results of it; the passive part means it was done for us, not by us. This means that God has already given us ALL THINGS that pertain to life and godliness and we get to live in the fruit of that. Nothing is lacking. This is a statement which applies to all who are called to his own glory, every Christian. God is not withholding anything from single men and women that we could possibly need for life and godliness.

Sometimes, however, I still feel like I’m missing something. I can look around at my friends who are married or are getting married, friends who have great boyfriends, friends who have kids and dogs and are on their husband’s excellent health insurance, and think what have I done wrong for God to punish me? Here I am balancing 3 part time jobs, filling out paperwork for the Affordable Care Act which may or may not exist tomorrow, and it’s in times like these that I must remind myself that my Father is good, and loves me, and only gives good to his children.

Matthew 7:9-11 says, “or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to given good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

From this, we can assume that if we’ve been asking our Father in heaven for a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend for awhile and it has yet to happen, that this is for our good. Instead, He has given us the specific gift of what he knows we actually need, what will be best for us. The good might not be readily apparent, but it is there. This includes Him gifting some of us singleness, whether temporarily or permanently, and others marriage.

In 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul says “I wish that all were as I myself am [single]. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind, and one of another.”

Do you truly believe this, that singleness is as much of a gift as marriage?

If you are unhappily single and struggling with some things because of this, know that the solution to this struggle is not actually marriage. Lust, loneliness, selfishness, fear about the future, difficulty trusting God with our lives, questions of who we are and our value, all of these issues and more would still be there if you were to marry today. You might trade out a couple for some new ones, but most will not be solved by adding a spouse to your life. This is because it is not another human who will “complete us.” 

Freakin’ Jerry McGuire (look it up if you’re young) and other rom-coms use lines like this, but it is a lie. Only Christ can complete us.

Philippians 1:6 promises “and I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Rather than thinking the guy needs to get the girl at the end of every action movie and video game, that every story needs to end with the Jane Austen double wedding or the Hollywood happily ever after, let’s place our eyes firmly on the promises of the Lord and put our futures in his hands. All other promises are built on shaky ground, but his rely on the perfect nature of one who loves his children and will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

So, rather than thinking that the solution to all of our problems is marriage, we need to start looking at our struggles and try to figure out why we have them in the first place. What is the heart of the issue?

For singletons like me, we should ask ourselves this question:

Will I be fine if I never marry?

If your answer is no, ask yourself why not? Your answers to this follow up question will give you a great place to start looking at your heart issues. Journal, jot them down in your phone, tell them to a friend. Then start looking at what the Bible has to say about your fears, concerns, and discontentment. I’m convinced you will find that marriage cannot solve these issues, that trusting in our God’s sovereignty is a much better starting point than hoping in some possible future human.

For my married readers with kids, ask yourself this:

Will I be fine if my children never marry?

If your answer is no, ask yourself why not? Then ask yourself if you want God’s will for your children’s lives, or your own will? Look into what the Bible has to say about marriage and singleness and see if you are aligned with God, or just with our culture and your personal preferences.

I have been through many stages of singleness in my life so far, and probably have many more to come so I don’t want to pretend this is an easy issue. In some moments I am more than content with the way things are in my life, but others have been painful and heartbreaking. Know that this is probably true for our married friends and family as well. As one of my fellow panel members from last night mentioned, “life is hard.” And it is hard for everyone, not just single people. You can make it a bit less difficult for yourself and your single friends by speaking about singleness and thinking about it in a biblical way instead of a worldly one.

We are loved.
We are complete in Christ.
We have been given a good gift.
God has plans for us for our good and his glory.
God does not withhold good gifts from his children.
God has given us everything we need to live a godly life.

Let’s try to re-frame our thoughts from this starting point. In the upcoming weeks I’ll be looking at five practical ways this theology should affect how we singletons think and live out our lives with hope and joy and love. I hope you’ll join me.