Tag: Sexuality

How to be Single, Celibate, and Happily Turn 40 – Recognize Celibacy as Worship

When I started reassessing my life, I realized I needed to give up some of my previous dreams in order to make room for new ones. One of those dreams was that of marriage and children. I’m not saying I won’t ever marry if God chooses to introduce a man into my life who loves me and who I love back, but that I no longer see this as a requirement for my joy or God’s glory. Instead, I have come to a new appreciation for the celibate life.

Tip 3: Recognize Celibacy as Worship

Rather than looking at my singleness, lack of sex life, loss of motherhood, and nonexistent partner in life as a hardship to be endured, more and more I am able to see it as a gift from God (1 Corinthians 7:7). Whereas before, when I was younger, I could accept it more easily as a temporary gift, I am now able to view it as an opportunity to worship God daily through living a celibate life to honor him.

Romans 12:1 and 1 Samuel 15:22 both introduce the idea that living lives of obedience to the Lord, even with our very bodies, is our spiritual worship. I know a 40 year old virgin can be viewed with mockery and disdain – as if I’m somehow less mature or more naive than everyone else, there must be something incredibly wrong with me.

I know many Christians at this point in their extended singleness throw celibacy out the window, seeing it as unrealistic or unfair. I can understand that. The “gift of singleness” in my life doesn’t mean God took away my desire for men, for a partner in life, for sex, or for children. I still have all of those desires. Anyone who tells you those with the “gift of singleness” will have these desires removed by God is the naive one.

But what he has done is make my desire to worship him in all I do, with my very body even, greater than these others. It doesn’t mean it’s not a struggle, but it’s a worthy one when I know that each day I recommit to a celibate life, I am honoring the true love my life, God.

I’m also not buying into the modern western world’s obsession with sexuality being one of the most important markers in our identity, nor the modern Christian church’s obsession with marriage and children as the main goal for a woman’s life.

I am so much more than my sexual identity. God’s plans for me are perfect, so if you look at life without a spouse and kids as lacking, you are not seeing it clearly. We are brainwashed by culture, even or perhaps especially Christian culture, to view marriage as the ultimate relationship, when it is meant to be a beautiful metaphor of Christ’s love for the church. A single Christian’s celibate commitment to loving God body and soul is also sacrificially beautiful and should not be discounted.

ProTip:

If you’re getting older and God still hasn’t brought the love of your life into it, look into the beauty and fulfillment that can be found in worshiping God through celibacy.

Swing by the Awkward Spinster tomorrow for the next tip in the How to be Single, Celibate, and Happily Turn 40 series.

Single and Celibate in Relationships

Single and Celibate: Always the Odd One Out, Part Three

Just as I’ve discovered over the years that being a single, celibate, adult in the church and the world can be incredibly difficult, leading to all sorts of awkward or even degrading perspectives, trying to be a single celibate person in relationship with others can be just as difficult. Therefore, this final entry in my Single and Celibate: Always the Odd One Out series will focus on how intimacy in relationship is just as important to the celibate single as it is to the married person, yet how difficult this can be to put into practice.

Intimacy is something humans need – we were created for it. Not meant to be independent creatures, we thrive in community, with the mutual help and support of others. But more than this we need closeness, understanding, familiarity, and affection. Modern American culture, including the church, often sees marriage as the cure for this need. Genesis 2:18 becomes the prescription for all human intimacy – “it is not good for the man to be alone.” So Eve was created. But more than that, Eve was created with the powerful ability to produce family and community. Adam was not just given one other person who would fulfill all of his needs for intimacy, he was given the very person who would extend their closeness beyond themselves as a couple to others.

Sadly, both the church and the world often pair intimacy down to sex. They are frequently used synonymously, so much so that my high school students would snicker if the term “intimate” appeared in any piece of literature, no matter how benign the context. What a tragic stripping down of such a powerful term. And, by depleting this beautiful idea of its many nuances, we place celibate single adults in a particularly lonely tragic place, one in which we will always lack fulfillment.

I read an article this week based on the underlying premise that intimacy = sex, and since intimacy is required for full human development, anyone who is not having sex is not fully developed psychologically and therefore will have all sorts of issues. It was one of the more disturbing articles I’ve read, and yes, it stemmed from a religious background, making it all the more concerning.

Let me knock this argument down at its base. Intimacy does not equal sex. Sex can and will help many people become more intimate, but it is not the foundation. I’ve counseled enough people who have experienced abusive, harmful, careless, or selfishly motivated sex to know sex can even diminish one’s ability for intimacy if it is abused. Also, if intimacy is mainly or exclusively related to sex, where does the profound closeness experienced by children and parents come from? How about the special bond of twins or close siblings? The profound intimacy experienced by elderly couples whose sexual desires have ebbed? The aunt or uncle’s deep committed love for and bond with their nieces and nephews? Best friendships that last a lifetime, sometimes even outlasting sexual partnerships those friends have had with others?

The best sex should indeed increase intimacy, it should help a couple bond emotionally and physically, increase understanding of one another, develop familiarity with each other in a profound way. However special this bond can be, it is not the only path to intimacy, and, as stated before, it can often be a path away from it if used harmfully.

So if intimacy does not equal sex, then what is it? It is a closeness between individuals, a deep understanding of one another, a familiarity with another based on time and experience, and a true affection for the other. This is intimacy. It is beautiful and multifaceted. It is not limited to one type of experience.

The greatest intimacy in existence is between God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. They are bonded for eternity, incredibly different and yet the same, independent yet reliant on each other. This intimacy was extended to us, his children, when God gave up Christ, his son, to die for us and then sent the Holy Spirit to indwell us. There is no greater closeness than that. In fact, marriage, including sex, is merely a metaphor for this relationship between Christ and us, his church, his bride, meant to help us grasp something so profound our finite minds can only understand a piece of it.

Some of the most intimate relationships depicted in the Bible are between fathers or mothers and sons, daughters and mothers-in-law, best friends, teachers and disciples, brothers, sisters, old friends, cousins, and even strangers being brought into Christ’s fold.

So while I do agree that intimacy is necessary for human development and fulfillment, I take great issue with narrowing this down to one’s sexual experiences. Deep lasting relationships in which we know and are known, understand one another, care for each other, and actively practice loving another are possible without even a hint of sex.

This does take a lot of work, however, and a lot of vulnerability. We singles can easily grow into our independence, and after years of disappointment in dating relationships, loneliness, or lost friendships, we can withdraw. We look at our married friends and think how easy it must be for them to have this one person assigned to be their intimate partner – they don’t have to seek closeness outside anymore because they have this person living with them to fulfill that.

Two truths about that – first, many a married individual feels lonely, and struggles with truly being intimate with their partner for many reasons, so our grass-is-greener view is often not true. Married couples who do indeed have a deep level of intimacy have probably worked darn hard at it for a very long time. Second, it may indeed be a bit more difficult for us as singles to develop intimacy because we don’t have one person who has committed to try and work at it for a lifetime. And, our intimacy will most likely come in the form of more than just one person, which is awesome, but also takes quite a bit of work on our parts. Also, lacking the lifelong commitment part up front can make it scary and risky to put so much into our relationships as we try to develop the level of closeness and understanding that can be called intimate. However, in this era of easy divorce, marriage is no longer a guarantee for that anyway.

So how does a single, celibate, Christian adult develop intimate relationships? There’s no perfect recipe for this. Sometimes they just happen over time! Those are the best – friends that have just been around so long, and you’ve experienced so much together, that at some point you realize they know you better than anyone else and will always be part of your life, no matter what happens. Others take more purposeful effort. If you desire friendships that go beyond just having a few things in common and hanging out sometimes, it often takes some work. Texts, phone calls, emails, coffees, dinners, crashing at each other’s places on the weekend, camping trips, etc. Time. Lot of time. And an openness to be who you really are around each other, to talk about real stuff, not just the fun things. And commitment to the friendship, being willing to debate and argue when you disagree but still come back as friends.

I honestly think the most important thing for us in creating intimate friendships as celibate singles is to think how we can love them best. If the entirety of our motivation in friendship is having them pour into us, take care of our need for understanding and affection, then we’ve missed out on being able to be that person for them as well. There are times when we will need more than they will, and vice versa, times when we’ll be a bit weaker, times when they’ll need our support most of all – that’s normal and good. But if your whole friendship is about you taking from them, then you probably won’t experience that intimacy you seek, the intimacy of two people who build each other up, point each other to God, and bring out the best in each other.

This intimacy will not happen in all of our friendships. As humans, our capacity for that level of depth with others is limited. Even Christ had his close circle of most intimate friends within his larger group of friends. Sometimes we already have these beautifully deep relationships in our lives, but don’t recognize them as such because we’ve been trained by society to only see sexual partners as intimate soul mates.

I can’t help but think of Anne and Diana in Anne of Green Gables – bosom friends, soul mates. Or Frog and Toad, some of the dearest of best friends from my childhood imagination. Even in shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the most important relationships were those of the Scooby Gang, the friends and mentor, the romantic ones came and went, but they were the one constant. The Gilmore Girls developed the mother/daughter relationship more than any other in the show. Every buddy movie depicts soul mates in friendships, not romance.

In my life, I was surprised a few years ago when I realized I actually already had several intimate relationships. There was a time when all I could see ahead of me was a lonely single life, moving from apartment to apartment as roommate after roommate got married and rents went up – an endless stream of temporary. So I decided to change that, decided to move to where I could experience permanent a little bit more. And there it was! My mother, my brother, my sister, my niece, my nephew. People who knew me, truly, who understood me. And I was so afraid that by moving I’d lose my bosom friends in LA, the ones who’d been my family for almost a decade. But I didn’t. They’re still there. It takes some work on both ends, but they’re still there. They still know me, still love me. Because of the effort these friends and I put in over the years of getting to really know each other, of opening up in the hard times, of supporting one another, and truly living in loving community with each other, we can go our separate ways and still hold on to that intimacy. Most of them have gotten married, some have kids, and some of us are still rocking the single life. Yet, when I need them they’re just a text away. When they need me, they know I’ll be there.

So, singles, don’t take so much pride in your independence that you don’t ask for help. It’s often in times of shared weakness that intimacy develops. Reach out to your roommates, your community groups, your families, your neighbors, your coworkers. You won’t have deep lasting relationships with every single one of them, but find the ones you connect with most and work to develop that. Spend time, real time with them. Open up and let them open up. Let your actions prove your friendship, not just empty words. Start to see these friendships as permanent, not temporary. It will change how you treat each other when you know you’re in each other’s lives forever. Love them. And let them know how they can love you. It can be hard – I was very much the strong one for most of my life, trying to help everyone else but not letting them help me. But that’s not reality, and without letting your friends into your reality, intimacy can’t grow. Needing people isn’t weak, it’s what we’re created for.

The Bible is full of incredibly powerful, beautiful commands to love one another. Few of these commands are aimed at couples; they’re aimed at the church, at brothers and sisters in Christ. Christ himself gave a new command just before he proved his love for us by dying on our behalf: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34).

Interestingly, the command for husbands to their wives echoes this: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Thus, marriage is only one example of Christ’s love for the church, only one aspect of true intimacy in relationships. We too, not just husbands, are to love one another just as Christ loved us, just as he gave up everything for us. Take heart, single Christians! Intimacy is possible even when marriage may not come, even without sex. Intimacy is greater than that and is available to all.

Top 5 Things I Hate About Being Single

It’s time for the ubiquitous Top 5 lists – this week I’ll look at my top 5 reasons I hate being single, and next week I’ll explore the top 5 reasons for loving my singleness. I realize life has difficulties for everyone, single or married, widowed or divorced, for those who raise children and those who don’t. I’m not claiming life is more difficult for me than everyone else, just highlighting some specific things that I hate which stem particularly from me being single. Like most top 5 lists, this has changed throughout the different episodes of my life, so here are my current pet peeves in Episode VI as a single woman in my late 30’s.

1. Not Being Picked For a Team

PE was my least favorite period of the day. An energetic child often found at the top of a tree or the monkey bars, I loved being outside and constantly had scraped knees. Always adventurous, I was never athletic. I’m awkward, clumsy, and not very coordinated. So, like most nerdy kids, PE and little league were rather torturous for me. I remember the shame of being the last person chosen for softball practices, of having the coach just give up and assign a team so I wouldn’t be left out, of quitting after just one season because I was already so behind the rest of the kids. This feeling of insignificance, like somehow I missed out on what everyone else seemed to have, like I was irredeemably behind, still creeps up now and again.

No one worthy person wanted me for their team. Yes, there was the guy whose proposal I turned down, but he was not a good man, not a team you’d want to join. Other than that, somehow, I just never got picked. No matter how long your marriage lasts, at least a married person can look back and say “someone chose me to be their partner, someone wanted me.” The rest of us struggle to fight off the feelings of being left out, somehow unworthy of being desired as a teammate.

The most practical part of being on a team that I miss as a single person is having someone to help me shoulder life’s burdens. Financial, physical, emotional, and even spiritual burdens all lie squarely upon my shoulders. Yes, I have other family and friends who can lift a bit from time to time, but I don’t have that lifelong partner whose job it is to help me carry them for the long run. I hate that life is more expensive for single people. I hate that hotel rooms are cheaper if you get a queen or king bed instead of 2 doubles, family gym memberships give better deals than single ones, couples tickets to events will save individuals money over single tickets, and health insurance and tax rates are usually better for families. The statistics are rather disconcerting about how much a married person will save over a single person in their lifetime. Also, apparently, single people die younger, which is just a bit depressing – mostly, the experts think, because we don’t have that partner nagging us to go to the doctor when we’re sick so we just wait until it’s too late.

I’ve gotten better at speaking truth to myself when I feel this way, when these lies start to infuse my heart with doubt and sadness. The ever-present, whole, and beautiful love of God reminds me that I am chosen, was chosen before my frame was created, that I am wholly loved and adopted into God’s family.

Ephesians 1:3-6

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

2. Future Fears

Every human I’ve met has some sort of fear about the future. Because of my singleness, many of my fears are about facing the future alone. Yes, for married people they may fear their partner’s death or abandonment, but if things go as hoped, they will live long lives together and take care of each other for most of it. They are meant to have a permanent roommate. Even that hope isn’t there for me. I take care of myself now, and I will be taking care of myself for the foreseeable future. No one wants to burden anyone as they grow older, but one of the benefits of having a spouse and some kids is it’s kind of their job to take care of you. Or it should be. But for me, I guess my nephews and niece will have to step up for their spinster aunt as well as their own parents? I fear being a burden to those who never signed on for the job.

Each time a roommate moved or got married, I had to scramble to find a new one. Each time a close friend marries the love of his or her life, after I’ve genuinely celebrated with them, I grieve the loss of yet another close friendship that will never be the same. As friends have children, I rejoice in the wonderful new life and also steel myself for the inevitable loss I will experience from their now more limited time and attention. Yes, this may sound selfish, but it is the truth of what a single man or woman goes through over and over again.

As our dearest friends and family move on to new milestone after new milestone, we are thrilled and excited for them but also a little bit brokenhearted. We know the future will not just look different for them, but for our friendships as well, and there is real loss there for us as we are much too often left behind.

Anxiety about the future is universal, not just for singles, but there are specific concerns that come up without having our own families there to partner with us as we age together. But what this does is give me endless opportunities to put my trust in God instead of the fickle securities of this world.

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3. Missing Touch

Because I believe that God’s plan for our lives is the best plan, I truly believe that a life of god-glorifying singleness will include celibacy. And, to be honest, I often hate that part of the single life. I do think humans were created to experience intimacy through touch, that we are created physical beings with sexual desires to connect us to one another. Just because I am single does not make me a less sensuous individual. Yes, there are some singles who do not have sexual desires, but they are few and far between.

This is another thing it is easy to feel I’m missing out on. I even get judged for this, thought foolish or immature because I am not partaking in what some consider a necessary rite of passage into adulthood. I’m not going to go into celibacy in detail here, but please check out my blog post on the topic “Committing to Celibacy.”

Possibly more than sex itself, I’m missing out on touch, physical connection. Holding hands, hugs, snuggles, laying my head on someone’s shoulder. I’m not sure if people realize how much touch single people miss, especially in the culture of white America where we are more standoffish unless in a sexual relationship. I hate this part of singleness – it is very lonely. If you are in a relationship, think about the number of times a day you experience loving touch – the kiss on the forehead, brush of a finger against your hand, the arm around the back of your chair, the snuggles from your children, the quick hug goodbye on the way to work, the hand on your back as you laugh together. Singles can go days without this connection.

In moments when I am missing touch, I remind myself of how blessed I am to have a family around me to hold me when I need it. I have a mother who will let me cry on her shoulder, a sister and brothers who hug me, a little nephew and niece who climb all over me, friends who will hold and comfort me. I remind myself that Jesus often reached out to touch those he healed, and and that God is sometimes portrayed as a loving mother to his child Israel, physically nurturing – not distant and cold, but present and warm.

Isaiah 66:12-13

For thus says the Lord: “Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

4. Justifying Myself

From traveling alone to buying a car without a male present, from counseling a married mother to sitting in a job interview, I am constantly in a position where I must assert myself. When traveling, there are certain places, even countries, in which it’s actually dangerous for me to be without a male escort, and many others where it will be uncomfortable. The car dealer treats me like a little girl instead of a financially viable adult who knows exactly what I want and what it’s worth. The married counselee often begins by questioning my ability to help her because I’ve never been in her exact situation. The job interviewer may see me as an irresponsible flight risk because I don’t have a family to take care of.

Because I’ve experienced this repeatedly in my lifetime, I am well versed in defending my right to be taken seriously. I was a teacher, I speak with authority. I have a loud, commanding voice inherited from my father, which I must use because I have no other voice to back me up. If I were a man, this would be seen as a good thing – to be confident, strong, and bold. Since I am a woman, this is often seen as me being too loud, bossy, or pushy, especially in Christian circles. Yet, it is necessary for my life. I wouldn’t even be able to rent an apartment if I couldn’t boldly walk into the landlord’s office and declare that even though I look young, I am older than I appear and have excellent credit, so no, I don’t need a cosigner, and would they just run the credit check to confirm, please.

In Christian communities, my opinion is often even more unwelcome or overlooked. I find myself having to remind people that I have a degree in this or that, so many years of experience, knowledge and training and skills in this area, in order to be heard. There are entire Bible studies in which I would not be welcome to speak. I’m used to not getting clear answers from pastors and teachers regarding my role in the church because, as an unmarried woman, they can’t just tell me to be led by my husband. My father is dead, so I can’t report to him. I am an uncomfortable outlier.

Honestly, I just get tired. Tired of having to explain to wives and mothers that, no, I haven’t had kids, but I’ve been a teacher, a counselor, an aunt, and I worked at a pregnancy clinic so I do know a bit about the subject and I can actually help. Tired of saying “I’m older than I look” as men are shocked that I have some knowledge in a lot of areas. Tired of having to justify my thoughts, opinions, and ideas. Tired of not going places or doing things because I don’t have a man to go with me and it’s dangerous without one. Just tired. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone else advocate for me. Or to not have to stand up for myself at all. I am, just like you, created in God’s image. That should be enough to at least have a voice, shouldn’t it?

Genesis 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

5. Being Judged or Pitied

At this age, one of the first things people ask when they meet me is “are you married?” and then when the answer is no, somewhat more awkwardly, “oh, so…do you have kids then?” Seriously, the only other information they’ll have at this point is my name, and these are the very next questions. Even before the omnipresent “what do you do?” And in that moment, the moment I say “no,” the judgement and/or pity is usually inevitable.

When we’re single past the age of 25, people love to judge why. Like the WebMD aficionados who are addicted to deciphering illness, they see our singleness as something to be diagnosed and cured. They say things like, “you know, if you just lost a little weight” or “maybe men are threatened by you because of your education,” or “maybe you’re not putting yourself out there enough.” All these comments and worse every single has heard much too often. They think to themselves things like “there must be something wrong with her/him if they’re still single after all this time” or “no wonder they’re still single, they are too (enter your choice of negative trait here)” as if all married people have somehow figured out how not to have any unpleasant character traits.

Worse than the judgement are the pitying glances and unhelpful condescending encouragements. A couple months ago I spoke at a conference on singleness in which I discussed what the Bible says about it being a gift, and the struggles and the beauty to be found. Afterward, just like every time I speak on the subject, a woman who meant well came up to me and told me not to give up hope, that God has someone out there for me and I just haven’t met him yet. I hear this every single time I speak, and I find myself wondering if they were listening at all because they seem to have missed the point.

Being encouraged with unbiblical promises that someday my prince will come is a pet peeve. They don’t know this, God didn’t tell them this in His word, so why on earth would they say this to a single person? If singles are led to believe this, the least it can do is momentarily get someone’s false hopes up, the worst it can do is continue to build up a false idol of “the one” with which they may already be struggling. Help me firmly place my hope in the Lord, not on a future spouse who may or may not exist.

I am single. That’s it. It’s not a sin to be judged nor a weakness to be pitied. Single adults do not need condescension or sympathy – we need respect and compassion, genuine interest in getting to know us and understanding, grace and empathy, a willingness to listen and commitment to join with us in our lives, and most of all we need biblical encouragement, admonishment, friendship, and love. Just like everyone else.

Romans 15:4-7

For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomes you, for the glory of God.

Please like, share, and comment – I’d love to hear what some of the top things you hate about being single are! And be sure to come back next week for the “Top 5 Things I Love About Being Single.”