The Myth of Marital Maturity

In conversations with many married friends from their late 20s on, the following phrases can sometimes arise:

  • I didn’t know what unconditional love was until I got married
  • God uses our husbands/wives to grow us the most 
  • It wasn’t until I got married that I understood how to love
  • I was young and immature and then I got married and realized how much about myself needed to change
  • Without my husband/wife I would never have grown in this area

While all of the above statements may indeed be true for that specific person, there is an implied connotation that marriage = maturity. There is a subtle (or sometimes not at all subtle) insinuation that God uses marriage to mature Christians in a way that He uses nothing else, an implication that outside of marriage this level of Christian growth actually isn’t possible.

Biblically, this is incorrect in several ways:

  1. The only perfect, whole, mature Christian to walk the earth was single. That’s right, I’m pulling the Jesus card. And most of the leaders of the early church, the disciples and apostles, were also single.
  1. God has promised to complete the good work He began in us – each and every one of us (Philippians 1:6). This is not limited to married folks.
  1. God uses EVERYTHING in our lives to help us grow. So yes, if you have a spouse, God will use them. But guess what, He also uses roommates, kids, coworkers, parents, siblings, friends, and every other kind of person you interact with.

A lot of maturity happens in the decades in which many people get married. So perhaps maturity has more to do with the age, experiences, and brains of people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s than it does the specific relationships they have. Which means single or married, most of us do a heck of a lot of growing up in this time.

And yes, there are indeed people in these middle stages of life who aren’t as mature as others, some of whom are single, which could lead you to believe their non-attachment to a significant other is the reason they never grew up. But I happen to know quite a few immature married men and women who still struggle with adulthood in spite of the responsibilities of marriage and often even parenthood. Marriage isn’t a silver bullet to wisdom and maturity.

Marriage also does not create the sudden ability to love deeply and sacrificially. Thinking that your spouse is the reason you can truly love underestimates the ability for singles to love and commit to loving others wholly. We love because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Our love is not contingent on another person committing to love us ‘til death do us part. We have to love others knowing they may not be available to us. While we are usually lower down on the list of priorities in the lives of others, we keep loving. Love does not require a single lifelong object. We may love more widely, more broadly, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less deep. We are the aunties and uncles, the godparents, the children who will care for our elderly parents, the best friends who will drop everything when you need us, the church volunteers, the committed employees who never miss work, the best roommates ever. We learn to love without expecting another person to love us back in the same way. We get our hearts broken, we feel unappreciated and overlooked. We feel second, third, or fourth best. We are sometimes truly alone. But we keep on loving. 

There are incredibly selfish husbands and wives, narcissistic and abusive spouses who care more about themselves than their families. Marriage does not teach true love. God just often uses it in his children’s lives to help expose their need for him and help them develop some level of selflessness. It is not easy, marriage, but neither is being an excellent roommate at the age of 38, or adult child to a parent who is aging. Our ability to love well does not hinge on how well we are loved by another human being. I am wholly loved by God, and that is enough. 

God uses more than just people to help season us. Our circumstances and our spiritual disciplines also help us grow more Christlike. Since most people get married in their post college years, it’s easy to attribute all growth to the marriage, but so much more is happening that singletons also experience. We’re all learning how to pay bills, how to rent apartments, how to buy cars, how to find jobs, how to find friends outside of the school context, how to contribute to society. Many of us also experience loss during this time, which is a growth experience of its own. Some of us travel, opening our minds to a more global view of the world. We have trials and suffering, we have successes and joys. All of this happens in adulthood, not just to married people. In fact, singles who have to navigate much of this on our own may “grow up” pretty quickly.

God also uses our spiritual disciplines to help us grow. Spending time meditating on His Word, talking with him in prayer, obeying him, worshiping him, finding good teachers and wise counselors, learning how to lament, and growing in our ability to rejoice in him and love others will inevitably add up to more maturity as a Christian individual. None of this requires a spouse.

Married friends, the next time you find yourself thinking something like this, maybe stop yourself before you say it out loud until you consider how condescending you may sound to any singles around you, or indeed anyone who is struggling in their marriage and might not feel particularly mature or loving due to their husband or wife in that moment. God does use life partners as iron sharpening iron if the two people in the relationship are growing separately in their walks with God, and are committed to helping each other grow. I don’t want to discount the beautiful and meaningful bond that a couple has when committed for life. I’m a fan of marriage and try to encourage and help my married friends as much as I can. But it isn’t the secret recipe to growing up and “adulting” well. 

Perhaps it wasn’t just your husband or wife who made you mature and made you learn how to love, but just the fact that you actually, well, just grew up. Like a normal person. Like most of us do, married or not. If the last time you were single was in your teens or 20s, it’s easy to see why you might equate singleness with immaturity. But we singles don’t stay 20 forever, we grow up too, we learn how to love sacrificially just like you do. We singles in our 40s or older have some relationships, experiences, and spiritual growth under our belts which God has used to help us become better versions of ourselves. We don’t stay stuck in our youth just because we don’t marry.

So, single folks, before you worry that perhaps God isn’t pouring as much effort into helping you grow because you don’t have a spouse to prod you on, take heart! He is already at work in you. He is using everything in your life to help you glorify Him and find joy in Him. I see you, I see how well you love those God has placed in your life. I see how much you strive to help your friends and family. I see God growing you into incredibly beautiful, wise, important, loving human beings who bless so many around you. We are as much whole, mature, loving adults as the married couples around us. You are not lacking anything you need to be who God wants you to be (James 1:4). We are all capable of the growth God has ready just for us.

4 thoughts on “The Myth of Marital Maturity”

  1. So true. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have about this with my sister who has been married for 28 years. Marriage isn’t the only way to mature. I think she’s finally getting it. And it’s also true that you can mature in marriage. I’m glad to have someone to chat with to share our differing experiences with how to mature.

    Thanks for writing this!

    1. I’m glad you and your sister can have those conversations! And happy, as always, to have you as part of this little awkward community.

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