Tag: Lifestyle

Just Another Manic Morning

I wake up each morning to the chimes of my cell phone alarm, roll over, and hit “cancel” (which always takes 3-4 tries to turn off in my not-yet-functional state). In those few seconds, when my brain is not yet awake, I see news alert after news alert – tweet-sized headlines that appear on my lock screen – causing my first thoughts as a sentient human to become “Damage Report!” Because I’m waking up on the west coast, it is 3 hours later than Washington DC, New York, and let’s be real, Florida, whence much of the news that concerns me these days emanates. It’s amazing how much can already have happened in those 3 little hours. Ten minutes later, still lying in bed staring at a screen, my brain struggling to string words together into reality, I realize I’m well on my way down the rabbit hole and that, if I don’t shut my phone off now, I’ll be late for work.

The tone of the morning is now set as sadness, anxiety, and often anger seeps into my consciousness. As I shower, the morning’s headlines race through my mind. As I make my coffee and down breakfast, I’m pondering the possible ramifications of the latest article or blog topic. On my drive to work, it takes all my self-control not to check headlines at the red lights and stop signs. And then, there I am, in a library full of my fabulous little children and I have to somehow immediately switch my mode of thinking into work mode.

When my insomniac self goes to bed at night, instead of reading a novel (I’ve been ⅓ of the way through Belgravia for weeks now) lately I’ve been back on social media and news sites on my phone. I think it’s good to be informed and know what is going on, even taking part in the online conversation here and there to try to help push forward justice and overcome evil. Still, my poor anxious brain is having trouble winding down so I can actually sleep (something my body already struggles against).

This is not okay. I know most of you have probably already figured this out, but it’s pretty new to me. You see, for years I was a teacher, which meant I got to school in the morning before most people were even awake. There wasn’t much news yet because, well, it was often still dark outside. Then, during the election season of last year, I was staying in a tiny English country town which had little to no internet connection so I had a bit of a buffer. But now, having 3 part time jobs, my day starts later and I have bits of time here and there throughout the day. Into those minutes goes my smart phone, always ready to tantalize me with the most recent shocking thing, always ready to grieve this non-Republican heart disgusted by the greed, hatred, and lies permeating America today. I find myself missing the days before our president could tweet his every thought multiple times a day, missing the times when I used to have to actually turn on my car radio on the drive to work before I knew what was going on. Missing having to wait for the newspaper or news hour after school or work for a recap (yes, I’m older than many of you, and thus didn’t have a cellphone until after my undergrad years at university).

I have to admit that the accessibility of news and the particularly extreme and divided nature of politics and society today is testing my faith. I am often worried. I am often heartsick. I am often devastated. There seems to be no escaping my ability to get news anywhere and anytime!

And then, at the end of this week, I had an epiphany. Again, one many of you have probably already had, but what can I stay, I’m stubborn and cynical and things take me awhile. I realized that my 10 minutes of online news binging here, 15 minutes of Facebook there, and 30 seconds of Twitter there is adding up to drastically more time than I’m spending in both Bible reading and prayer put together.

This brings me back to some of the passages of scripture so common to biblical counselors, ones I should remember and apply more than I have:

Philippians 4:4-9.
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me [Paul] – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

Psalm 1:1-3
“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.”

I have not been rejoicing in the Lord as often as I used to, nor delighting in His law. I’ve been withering a bit, to be completely honest. So, how do I find a way to still be aware of what’s going on in the world, still be engaged in the important global and national conversation, still do my best to give voice to the voiceless, help the weak and poor, and champion justice, without becoming overwhelmed by it all?

Here are some of the intentional steps I am taking to change my focus a bit and give Christ and his teachings prevalence:

  • Join a global prayer group – Twice a month I meet with a small group of Christian women who pray for the things going on in this world which concern us. Instead of feeling like we are outsiders for being some of the rare non-Republican Christians in our area, we decided to band together and bring our concerns to the Lord. This is not a space for us to rant or discuss political issues at length, but to present our concerns to each other, then pray together, “letting our requests be known to God.” We also drink tea and have snacks. We actually started out meeting once a month, but doubled it when we realized how much these nights were helping us.
  • Set an actual alarm clock – I just now took the time to figure out how to set the alarm on the speaker I usually use for my phone. Though it was harder than assembling IKEA furniture, I think it will be helpful for me to no longer wake up to a screen. My goal is to do what all the sleep studies say, to plug my phone in across the room so it’s inaccessible, and not use it before bed or when I wake up. I hope this will allow my mornings to be filled with prayer and worship, as they used to be.
  • Put my phone in a different room when I’m reading my Bible – It’s just too easy for my mind to be fragmented the minute an alert pops up when I’m in prayer or in God’s word. I want to be single-minded for once in my life, not multi-tasking while studying and meditating on my Lord’s teachings.
  • Reassess all of the alerts on my phone – I do want to know if something serious occurs so I can keep my students safe, pray for what is occurring as it happens, or know to look into something further when I have time. I do not, however, need to read every single tweet by our president as it’s posted. That is a recipe for madness.
  • Carve out time and space for meditation on God’s word – This was so much easier at L’Abri, where 3 hours a day are set aside for study. I need to apply this to my daily life, to actually put on my calendar and schedule time. To figure out a space where I can truly be alone for a few minutes with God.
  • Pray in my car as I drive to work and drive home – I used to do this as a teacher, pray for the specific classes and lessons I had ahead of me that day, for specific students who were on my heart, for coworkers and the school in general. By the time I got to work, my heart and mind were already engaged with the tasks I had before me, with hope. Praying on the way home instead of listening to the news allows me to lift up any concerns from the day to God, and prepare mentally and spiritually for my next job, or for spending time with family or friends. I need to get to that place again.

These are just a few of the things I am trying or will be trying in order to try to calm my manic mind and spend more time with God and His Word than my news apps or Facebook linked articles. If you have any other ideas that might help me or others like me, please share in the comments!

Embracing Being Human

When I stepped out of the taxi into the English rain, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before walking through the front door of the manor house labeled with a small sign that said “Welcome, L’Abri Fellowship, Please Enter.” I was exhausted from so much more than jetlag. 15 years of working in industries that care for and help others, often in the hardest circumstances of life, had worn me down so much more than the jetlag ever could, and I was seeking rest. Leaving my bags in the front hall, I did as I was told on the phone and headed toward the voices I could hear floating from the dining room. I walked into the wood paneled room, shaking with nerves as my social awkwardness hit its peak (no matter how many times I enter a room all on my own, it still freaks me out), to see smiling faces look up at me, and multiple voices in accents from all over the world offer me a seat, a cuppa tea, and a bowl of warm homemade soup. This was to be the beginning of my self-funded sabbatical, a time for God to teach me how to accept help from others, how to rest, slow down, and how to find the beauty in being human.

Growing up in the church, we often look at our humanity with all its limitations as fallen, broken, messed up. We can spend our lives trying to overcome it, trying to be better than human. When we have the perfect God-Man as our example, asking questions of ourselves like “What would Jesus do?” can become more than inspiring, it can become a obsessive search for perfection. Verses like Matthew 5:48, “you therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” weigh heavily. Even when we’ve had it explained in a complete biblical context, it can be the refrain in the back of our heads, impossible and crushing.

We are taught that God came for the broken, that he loves the lost, that we can never be perfect, we will always fall short, which is why we need God in the first place. Yet, this is often not the way the church actually lives. There can be an unspoken pressure placed upon each Christian to somehow be more than human. The “Puritan work ethic” comes to mind, as we learn from youth that “all hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty” (Proverbs 14:23). We’re taught the Proverb of the sluggard and the ant, which ends with “a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest – and poverty will come upon you like a robber and want like an armed man” (Proverbs 6:10-11). We are told by parents, teachers, and pastors alike “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (Colossians 3:23). Even in the best of circumstances, when we are taught these things in balance with the rest of scripture, it can be hard to not focus mostly on this part. The work hard part. The never rest part. The give 110% to everything you do part.

As a single person at work and in ministry, I expected to be able to work and serve non-stop. I remembered hearing “if you work in your own strength you’ll get tired, but if you work in God’s strength, you won’t ever get weary!” I remembered Ephesians 6:7-8, saying “serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does.” Paul, one of our examples of those in ministry, made sure to point out that he worked a day job while he preached, saying “we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you” (2 Thessalonians 3:7-8).

I don’t know about you, but after reading all of these verses, I almost despair because it seems impossible. I’m exhausted just thinking about them.

I think every Christian deals with this at some point, but the single Christian has a particular expectation. We are meant to minister. This is why Paul says, after all, that singleness is better, “to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:35). I sometimes felt I was expected to work longer hours at my jobs, show up to more things, always be on time, never leave early while my married coworkers had to race off to pick up sick kids, or come in later because their spouse had their car, or drop out of a weekend event because of family priorities. Instead, I had “free” time and everyone knew it. If we aren’t using every moment of our “time off” for work or ministry, we can feel judged, guilty.

So what happens when you already work with kids all day and just don’t have it in you to work with more of them on the weekend by helping in the church nursery? What happens when you are just exhausted? What happens when you really need time with friends or family or just to rest?

I realized during my time at L’Abri that a lot of these expectations were actually placed there by me. Somehow, after years of hearing in church and in staff meetings that we needed to work harder, this became the Main Thing in my brain. I don’t think my pastors and bosses meant for this to be the Main Thing. But I’m like the stressed out straight A student in a class of non-motivated underachievers, when the teacher chews out the whole class, it’s kids like me who will get anxious and feel they have to work even harder, even if that isn’t the teacher’s intention.

Some of us need to hear the “work harder” message repeatedly, but some of us need to hear the “rest in his grace and mercy and love” message every day. Every moment.

Last winter, I set out to study rest and discovered, to my surprise, that humans, limitations and all, were created that way Before The Fall. It seems that needing to sleep and eat, only having a certain number of hours in the day, and needing rest, are NOT actually the result of sin and death entering the world. We were, in perfection, created to need rest and community. We were created to be limited. We were not created to be little gods, but to be echoes of His image. We were created human, and it was good. Then, if we add all the new limitations to our humanity after sin and death entered the world – health issues like illness and injury, more laborious work, mental and emotional health struggles –  we need to remember grace all the more.

Yes, we ought to implement the principles found in the verses above and work hard, but we must also embrace our limitations. Humans need moments of rest and relaxation, that ever-elusive “balance.” These are gifts to help us enjoy God and each other all the more.

Consider God’s institution of the Sabbath. I don’t think I really understood what a true Sabbath was until I spend some time in Israel with modern Jews who still honor this day wholeheartedly, preparing in the days before so they could do no work but spend time worshiping God and enjoying their families and friends. Exodus 10:9-10 says “six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work.” and Mark 2:27 tells us “the Sabbath was made for man.” Hebrews 4:4, 9-10 claims “for he has somewhere spoken of the seventh day in this way: ‘And God rested on the seventh day from all his works.’. . . So then there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.”

The Sabbath was a gift to us, and though we no longer are under the Old Testament laws that require us to eat a certain way, celebrate a certain way on that day, the idea of one entire day of complete rest, without ANY work, is beautiful and good and meant for man’s good and God’s glory. True rest is necessary and good, not just a day we go to church, then race home to run errands, clean house, carpool the kids to 5 different activities, answer texts and emails, or in my case – blog or work from home, then end the day by plopping down on the couch to watch Netflix. I’m not saying doing these things is wrong, sin, but I am saying we need to reassess what is actually restful to us. And we need to realize it’s not just okay to rest, but it is good. We’re created for it. For lazy days of family conversations, reading books, watching TV with our roommates, taking walks, exploring the new eateries in town, and letting our minds wander to God.

I am a broken human. I am limited. I get tired, overwhelmed, and sometimes a bit lost. But I have a Father who says to me “come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). I have a Savior who, in the midst of one of the busiest, most successful times of ministry, told his apostles to “come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while. For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat” (Mark 6:31). In fact, Christ himself frequently took times of rest alone, going to the mountains to talk with his Dad. And we often find him reclining at table with friends, eating, drinking, and discussing topics of the day. Much of his ministry seemed to be quite personal, just hanging out with people.

One of the best lessons we can learn by embracing our limitations as humans is that we need God. When we are busy every moment, it is tempting for us to think we have some kind of control over our lives, our futures. This can lead to arrogance and a ton of anxiety. Stepping back from it all to rest reminds us that we’re not actually the ones in charge, reintroducing humility and also the peace and joy that flows from allowing God to be in charge. Paul wrote of his limitations to the church in Corinth and, instead of talking about how awful they were or how he was trying hard to overcome them, he rejoiced. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 states “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So, no, we don’t have to agree to do every single thing asked of us. We don’t need to add extra pressure onto ourselves, expecting to be able to work 15 hours a day, 7 days a week and not wear down. We don’t need to feel guilty when we are sick or tired or just want to relax for a few hours. Yes, this can be taken too far and there are indeed those who are sinfully lazy, but the single people I know who live in LA and the surrounding area tend to be the opposite. We tend to work and work hard, with our careers becoming our identities. We can put pressure on ourselves to do more, be more, and our bosses and friends and families and churches can often play into this by adding more demands, more expectations. Since we don’t have to leave work on time to get home to husbands and wives and kids, since we live alone or with roommates instead of people for whom we’re responsible, it’s easy to feel like taking time out to rest is bad. But that Wednesday happy hour or coffee break with the girls or guys during which we discuss how we’re doing, hold each other accountable to living godly lives, and encourage and lift each other up is just as important as the married couple’s family dinner. We should be using up all of our vacation days, not buying into the workaholic culture that so often prevails in America today. We need to stop bragging about how much overtime we work, how many jobs we have, how many hours a night/weekend we spend on jobs and start encouraging each other to rest. To heal. To recover. To focus on God’s grace and glory.

Stop expecting humans to be more than we can be. And stop expecting singles to give everything we are to our jobs and ministries. Allow for rest and joyful times with family and friends. Eat great meals together. Actually get enough sleep. Remember, God created us this way – limited and yet somehow still beautiful.

Life, Episode VI

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you can’t imagine things ever being different? It’s more than a rut, it’s a never-ending cosmic whirlwind from which you can’t escape. When you look ahead to the years and decades to come, this is all you can see; the same stuff you’re dealing with now forever, over and over again, on repeat. It’s like your life has somehow become a horror movie version of Groundhog’s Day, without the love story or even the cute rodent.

Last January I got to this point, and it was bad. So bad. When I looked ahead, all I could see was my landlord raising my already-ridiculously-too-high-Los Angeles-rent yet again, having to pack and move yet again, having to find a new roommate yet again, becoming great friends with said roommate only to have them get engaged then married and having to find another one yet again, working 70 hours a week yet again, still not having enough for a savings account yet again, burning out yet again . . . FOREVER.

I could picture myself, a tubby 80 year old woman, having to go through exactly this, yet again. And, of course, I freaked out. Because these are circumstances I can survive and possibly even thrive in while they’re happening, but the thought of this being my entire future knocked the breath out of me. It was time for a change. A big one.

So, last year, I quit my job, gave away ⅔ of my belongings to thrift and independent book stores, moved the rest of my stuff into one bedroom at my mum’s place in the desert town from which I had escaped a decade ago, and ran away to a Christian commune in the English countryside for 3 months. I returned to the States just before Christmas to settle into Life, Episode VI.

Life, broken into seasons, is much more manageable and makes a lot more sense than the previously described endless linear view that never changes. So far, there have been 5 chapters to my life, episodes if you like; episodes more like British television or Star Wars films, quite long and with painful yet eager times of waiting in between.

Episode I, Childhood: idyllic, optimistic, happy, full of lots of moves, all about family and imagination.

Episode II, Jr. High and High School: when I discovered insomnia, literature, and that people suck.

Episode III, College-Post College: figuring out who I am, developing friendships, and a deepened understanding of God.

Episode IV, Dad’s Death: when life changed for all of us.

Episode V, Los Angeles: the first time I felt I truly fit into a church family, a city I loved, found independence & career, and all the stress that goes with it.

And now begins Episode VI, Back to the Desert. Or perhaps Episode VI, Finding Family. Or, to steal even more from my beloved Star Wars saga, Episode VI, A New Hope.

For most of Episode V of my life, I was a high school English teacher, and now I’m an elementary school library clerk. You know, I’m that obnoxious person constantly encouraging my students to find and use their voices. I’ve also been a Biblical counselor for over a decade, helping people process what’s going on in their lives from a biblical perspective. So, here I am, challenging myself to do just that, use my voice and process stuff by blogging once a week about the issues surrounding singles in the church and work and world. Are there any specific topics touching these areas you’d like me to explore in the next few weeks? Let me know in the comments.

Welcome to Episode VI in the life of the Awkward Spinster.